Questionable humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A redneck tells his buddy, “Hey, I just got a promotion! I’m the boss’s sexual consultant.”
His buddy says, “Sexual consultant? How did you get that job?”
And the redneck says, “I told the boss he should fire Jones in accounting. And the boss said, ‘When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.’”
A man leaves for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home afterward, he spends the entire weekend hunting with his buddies and blows his whole paycheck.
When he finally gets home Sunday night, his wife is furious. She spends the next two hours giving him an earful.
Finally, she asks, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
He replies, “That’d be fine with me.”
Monday comes and goes, and he doesn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday pass with the same result.
By Thursday, the swelling has gone down just enough for him to see her out of the corner of his left eye.
Do you think it’s a big deal, if after years of marriage you find out your partner literally sucked hundreds of dicks before you met? Or is my wife making a big deal out of nothing?
A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 90-year-old said things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 23-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?
The doctor considered his question for a moment and then began. I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off to go hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.
He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he would not be able to shoot the magnificent creature but, out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle and went “bang, bang”. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?
The 90-year-old said, “If you ask me, I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”
The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
Me, a kid with two gay dads thinking I’m immune to “Yo momma” jokes:
Yo momma so ugly, your dad had to get a husband
Jesus invited prostitutes to dine with him and he’s the light of the world, I do it and I’m “making Thanksgiving awkward.”
A New York woman asked her doctor how to bring sex back into her marriage.
The doctor said, “Slip a Viagra into his coffee. He’ll never notice.”
A few days later, she called and said, “Doctor, it was awful!”
He said, “What happened?”
She said, “Well, I put it in his coffee, and before I knew it he swept everything off the table, and we went at it like newlyweds!”
The doctor said, “That doesn’t sound so awful.”
She said, “Oh, the sex was wonderful but we’re banned from Starbucks!”
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
“An ambulance just drove by!”
“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.
“Matt’s riding a new bike!”
“Looks like the Sandersons are moving!”
“Jason is on his skateboard!”
After a few moments he announced,
“The Coopers are having sex!!”
Startled, his mother and father shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
“How do you know they’re having sex?”
“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”
An elderly couple driving get pulled over by a cop. The woman is behind the wheel, and is a bit hard of hearing.
The cop: “Ma’am, you were speeding.”
She turns to her husband: “What? What did he say?”
He shouts into her ear: “You were speeding!”
The cop: “Your license, please.”
Once again, she turns to her husband: “What did he say?”
He shouts even louder into her ear: “Give him your license!”
She hands it over.
The cop looks at it and says: “Oh, you’re from Arkansas. I remember being there once… and having the absolute worst sex of my life.”
The woman: “What? What did he say?”
The husband shouts into her ear: “He said he knows you!”
