Delivery Style: narrative

Narrative joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Amish Family and the Elevator

    An Amish husband, wife, and son travel to the city on vacation.

    While the mother shops, the father and son stand in awe in front of an elevator, having no idea what it is.

    As they watch, an elderly woman slowly walks into the strange silver doors. The doors close, and the father and son watch the numbers light up as the elevator rises… then pauses, and comes back down.

    A moment later, the doors open and a beautiful young woman steps out.

    The son stares in amazement and asks, “Dad… what just happened?”

    The father leans over and whispers, “I’m not sure, son… but quick, go get your mother!”

  • The Smartest Pig in the World

    A journalist heard about an incredibly smart pig out in the country, so he decided to go and check it out.

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    He arrives at the farm and meets the owner.
    “I’ve heard your pig is exceptionally intelligent,” the journalist says. “Could you tell me why?”

    “Well, I’ll tell ya,” the farmer replies. “The other day, my pregnant wife’s water broke all of a sudden. The pig saw it happen. He ran out into the yard, saw me working out in the field, and jumped up on the tractor. He started the engine and leaned on the horn as hard as he could. I heard the racket, rushed back to the house, and was able to get my wife to the hospital just in time.”

    “Wow, that’s truly impressive!” says the journalist.

    “Oh, but it gets even crazier! The other day, I was working on the grain auger. I don’t know what happened, but I must not have turned the tractor off right, because the auger started spinning. My hand got caught in it, and it started pulling me in. I thought for sure I was gonna lose my arm. But then, that pig came charging out. He jumped into the tractor, cut the ignition, and ran over to pull me free. Once my hand was out—it was pretty banged up—he reached into my pocket, grabbed my phone in his mouth, and I don’t know how he did it, but he dialed 911. I was able to talk to the paramedics; they got here fast and saved my arm.”

    Stunned, the journalist asks to see the pig.

    The farmer leads him over to the pen and shows him a pig with only three legs.

    The journalist, totally baffled, asks: “Wait, why does he only have three legs?”

    “Well, heck!” the farmer says. “A pig that smart? You don’t eat him all at once!”

  • The Grocery Store Con

    I went to the grocery store for some bread, milk, bacon, eggs, and I ended up getting a couple things that were on sale because apparently I now get excited about discounts.

    The store was packed and the self checkout lane was down to one machine. Luckily there was a spot behind this little old Asian lady with a cart piled dangerously high with groceries. We started making small talk while we waited.

    Out of nowhere she smiled at me and said, “You look just like my son.”

    I laughed because… I’m very obviously not Asian.

    She laughed too and said, “Still, it would make me very happy if you said ‘Bye Mom’ to me when I leave.”

    Honestly, she reminded me of somebody’s sweet grandma, so I figured why not. It costs me nothing to be nice.

    A few minutes later she finished paying, waved at me, and started heading toward the door.

    So I smiled and called out, “Bye Mom!”

    She turned around grinning and yelled back, “Bye son!”

    A couple people in the line beside us smiled. One cashier even said, “Aww.”

    Then it was my turn.

    The cashier started scanning my stuff. Bread. Milk. Bacon. Eggs. A frozen pizza I absolutely did not need. Total seemed to be climbing pretty fast, but groceries are expensive now so I didn’t think much of it.

    Finally the cashier looked at me and said, “Okay, your total is $487.63.”

    I nearly had a heart attack.

    I said, “WHAT? For this?”

    The cashier looked confused and said, “Well… your mother said you’d be paying for her groceries too.”

  • Four Beer CEOs Walk Into a Bar

    Four beer company CEOs walked into a bar…

    The CEO of Budweiser ordered a Bud Light.

    The CEO of Miller ordered a Miller Light.

    The CEO of Coors ordered a Coors Light.

    The CEO of Guinness ordered a Coke.

    The first three asked the CEO of Guinness why he didn’t order a Guinness, to which he replied:

    “I figured if you three weren’t ordering beer it would be rude for me to.”

  • The Juggler’s DUI Test

    A juggler is driving to his next performance when he gets pulled over by the police.

    The officer spots some matches and lighter fluid in the car and asks, “What’s all this for?”

    “I’m a juggler,” the man says. “I juggle flaming torches in my act.”

    The cop looks skeptical. “Oh yeah? Let’s see it.”

    So the juggler gets out of the car and starts expertly juggling flaming torches on the side of the road.

    The cop stands by, watching intently.

    Meanwhile, a passing couple slows down to watch.

    “Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m so glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!”

  • The Catholic Dog

    A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for a long time.

    The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying, “Father, my dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?”

    Father Patrick told the farmer, “No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church, but I’ll tell you what, there’s a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”

    Muldoon said, “I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?”

    Father Patrick replied, “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?”

  • Larry and the Divine Light Switch

    A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal.

    The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

    Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

    “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

    A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

    “Bonnie…” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

    “Oh for Pete’s sake!” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

  • Get a Hobby

    A man is talking to his therapist. “Doc, I feel like I’m wasting my life. All I do is sit around reading fantasy books. Must be my 50th time going through Tolkien. I feel so directionless.”

    The therapist tells him, “I would suggest finding a real hobby. One that gets you out of the house. Try it this week and come back.”

    The man shrugs. “Well, I guess it’s worth a shot.”

    The man goes back the following week and is on cloud nine. “Doc! I took your advice and I’ve had the best week ever. I must have been to a dozen different pubs, I went foraging for mushrooms, and I’ve been on all sorts of adventures.”

    “That’s great to hear. What did you do different?”

    “Instead of telling you, why don’t I show you?”

    The man opens the door and pulls in a little person with shaggy hair, bare feet, and smoking a long wooden pipe.

    The therapist is confused. “What does this person have to do with your new hobby?”

    There’s a long pause before the man replies, “Ohhh. Did you say get a hobby?”

  • The High-Speed Excuse

    A man is going 85 miles per hour on a motorway when he sees a police car in his mirror.

    He thinks for a moment as the officer is getting closer and then floors it, 95… 110… 140… Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows down and pulls over to the roadside.

    The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places his hands out where they can easily be seen.

    “You were going a little fast there,” the officer says, “but it is the end of my shift and tonight the boys are coming over, so you have exactly one chance to explain yourself.”

    The man, with all the sincerity he could muster, replied, “Sir, round about a year ago my wife left me for a police officer. I tell ya, that nag leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it was too good to be true because when I saw your lights in the mirror, I thought you were bringing her back!”

  • The Organ Donor

    There once was a very prolific prostitute. She serviced many a John and a Jane over her career.

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    Her biggest insecurity was always the way her vagina looked. She had rather large pussy lips (labia minora). Occasionally, she would be rejected by a client because of the way her lady bits looked, and she sought the advice of a surgeon.

    “Sure, we can reduce the amount of external flesh and create a more aesthetically appealing area in the process. Just know that the procedure will result in a lengthy healing process,” the doctor said after a thorough examination.

    “Please, doctor. I need this,” the woman said.

    The procedure went very successfully. No complications, sutures in the right places, everything was shaping up to heal quicker than expected.

    When the woman woke up, she had three bouquets next to her bed. The first was a modest six roses and a card. The card read, “To my daughter, I hope your recovery is swift. We may have our differences, but I will always love you. – Mum.”

    The second bouquet was two dozen beautiful roses and also had a card. This card read, “I can’t wait to see that delicious slot when it’s healed. I’ll triple the usual rate to have first crack at it! – #1 John.”

    There was a third bouquet that had a dozen roses, a dozen daffodils, a dozen sunflowers, two dozen lilies, and countless protea blooms. But there was no card accompanying it.

    Her doctor came in to follow up on the surgery and after examining her, she said, “Excuse me, doc? I know who these two gifts came from, but there wasn’t a card for the third. I don’t know who to thank for the gesture. Would you happen to know who sent these?”

    The doctor smiled and looked at his feet, as if slightly embarrassed. “Well, ma’am. When we copied your ID for record keeping, we saw you were an organ donor. Those flowers are from someone on the fourth floor burn ward. They wanted to thank you for their new ears.”