Delivery Style: storytelling

Storytelling joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Hurts Doesnt It

    A married guy was out getting a little “strange stuff” when he suffered a massive heart attack and died. The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body, saying, “Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that we can’t get to go away… What would you like us to do?”

    To which she replied, “Somehow, that doesn’t surprise me… Cut it off and stuff it in his ass.”

    When she went to view the body she noticed a somewhat pained expression on her deceased husband’s face as he lay in the casket. Bending over him she said softly, “Hurts, doesn’t it?”

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  • Faster Than a Speeding Bullet

    One afternoon Superman was out flying around. Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go over to Spiderman’s house.

    Supe: “Hey Spidey, let’s go get a burger and a beer!”

    Spidey: “No can do, Supe. I’ve got a problem with my web-shooter. Can’t fight crime tomorrow without it.”

    So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave.

    Supe: “Hey, Batman! Let’s go get a burger and a beer!”

    Batman: “Not today, my friend. The BatMobile is down and it’s gotta be fixed. Can’t fight crime tomorrow without it.”

    Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air. Cruising around, he flies over a penthouse apartment balcony where none other than Wonder Woman is lying, spread-eagle and stark-naked. Supe gets a brilliant idea: “They’ve always said I’m faster than a speeding bullet and I’ve always wondered what she’d be like with all her Wonder Powers.”

    So he zooms down, does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden Wonder Woman sits up and says, “What was that?!”

    The Invisible Man gets off her and replies, “I don’t know, but my ass hurts like hell!”

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  • The Dead Frog

    This kid walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. The kid walks up to the Madame and says that he wants a girl.

    The Madame says to the kid, “Sorry… You are too young.”

    The kid promptly puts a $100 bill on the counter and the Madame says, “One girl coming right up…”

    As the Madame starts walking away the kid says, “Hold on a minute… I need a girl with active herpes.”

    The Madame says, “Sorry kid… All my girls are clean.”

    The kid promptly places another $100 bill on the table and the Madame says, “One dirty lady coming right up!!!”

    The kid goes upstairs, fucks the girl, and when he comes back down the Madame can’t help but ask, “Why did you want a girl with active herpes?”

    The kid replied, “You see… it goes like this… I went up, fucked that girl and got the herpes. I’ll go home and my babysitter will be there and I’ll fuck my babysitter and she’ll get the herpes. Then my dad will come home and take the babysitter home and fuck the babysitter and he’ll get the herpes. Then he’ll come home and fuck my mum and SHE’LL get the herpes. Tomorrow morning my dad will go to work at 8 AM. At nine the milkman comes… and HE’S the bastard that killed my frog!!!!!”

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  • Someone’s Coming

    One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of “Good Nights” she went upstairs.

    Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others’ shoulders beneath Snow White’s bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy’s turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.

    After a minute or two he hollered down, “She’s taking off her blouse!” and this was echoed down the stack — “Taking off her blouse,” “She’s taking off her blouse,” “Blouse is coming off,” “Taking off her blouse,” etc.

    Next Grumpy yelled, “She’s taking off her skirt,” which was followed by the echoes — “Taking off her skirt,” “She’s taking off her skirt,” “Skirt’s coming off,” “Taking off her skirt,” etc.

    Of course the next line from Grumpy was, “She’s taking off her bra!” and the echo chorus went down the line: “She’s taking off her bra!” “She’s taking off her bra!” “She’s taking off her bra!” etc.

    Then Grumpy said, “She’s taking off her panties!” which again cascaded down the dwarf tower. “She’s taking off her panties!” “She’s taking off her panties!” “She’s taking off her panties!” “She taking off her panties!” etc.

    Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, “Someone’s coming!”

    And from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.”

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  • Paint My House

    Some smart looking businessman dude was sitting in a bar drinking a beer one night when a gorgeous well-stacked blonde walked in.

    She says, “For $250, I’ll do anything you want, only you have to describe it in three words or less.”

    He thinks about this a minute or so, pulls out $250, and says, “Paint my house.”

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  • The Milk Man Dead

    A baby was born to a couple. When he was one, he could talk like an adult. When he was two, he could read anything. When he was three, he could do advanced calculus. When he was four, he could predict the future.

    One day, he made three predictions. One year from today, I will die. Two years from today, my mother will die. Three years from today, my father will die.

    Sure enough, a year later he died.

    The father, getting the picture in a big way, loaded up his wife with a million dollars in life insurance.

    Sure enough, a year later she died. He figured he had a year to live it up with that life insurance, which he did, spending every penny of it.

    The eve of his projected death, he drank himself into a stupor. To his amazement, he woke up the next morning with nothing more than a bad hangover. He stumbled to the back porch to get the milk for his coffee, where he found the milk man dead.

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  • Catch a Coyote at His Age

    This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it.

    “Oh my God!” she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law. She sees the local sheriff’s car parked in front of the town bar.

    “It figures,” she says as she storms inside.

    The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking off.

    She runs up to the sheriff who’s sitting at the bar with his drink. “What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal… and then… I come in here… and see this old man in the corner jacking off right in public!”

    “Well, ma’am,” the sheriff slowly replies, “You don’t expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?”

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  • Room 319

    A man went to a whorehouse to get some practice performing oral sex on his old lady. The woman at the front desk gave him a key and told him to go to room 319. He went in and there he saw his lady of the evening. He told her why he was there and she gave him a few pointers and told him to get down to it.

    He began performing oral sex and was, by her reaction, pretty good at it. But something strange happened. About five minutes into the deed he felt something in his mouth. He stealthily spit it into his hand and saw to his amazement that it was a piece of carrot.

    “Oh man, that’s fuckin nasty!” he thought, but he said nothing and continued. Five minutes later he came up with a pea.

    “Christ! I can’t take this much more. There’s something wrong with this bitch.” But again he said nothing and gave it one more shot. This time it was a piece of chicken. He could stand it no longer.

    “Fuck! I can’t do this anymore! I’m gonna throw up!”

    “That’s funny,” the hooker said, “That’s what the last guy did.”

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  • Not Good Enough For Her Family

    A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says…

    “Wait, honey, there’s somethin’ I need you to know. I’m a virgin.”

    “WHAT THE FOOK?” The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out.

    He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her daddy’s house, where he dumps her in the yard.

    Then the man drives to his daddy’s house and goes inside.

    The dad sees his son, and says, “What the hell you doin’ here, boy? Ain’t you supposed to be with your new bride?”

    “Well, pa,” the son says, “I was, but she told me she’s still a virgin.”

    “Well holy dog-shit,” says the dad, “What’d you do then?”

    “I punched her in the face and knocked her out, wrapped her up in the sheets, drug her down the stairs and out the door, threw her in the back of my pick up, and then drove on to her daddy’s house and dumped her on the lawn.”

    The dad starts laughing, and, patting his son on the back, he says, “Good job, son. If she ain’t good enough for her family, I say she ain’t good enough for ours neither.”

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  • The Ambidextrous Golfer

    A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?” No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot…

    Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m.”

    He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

    The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

    They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay.”

    She’s there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.

    She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.

    They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.

    She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.”

    The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.

    Only this time, she plays left-handed.

    The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

    They’re totally amazed.

    They can’t figure her out.

    She’s very pleasant and a gracious winner.

    They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

    The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.

    This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.

    The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.

    However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge.

    This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.

    They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

    The lady blushes, and grins. “When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous.” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth.”

    “When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”

    The guys think this is hysterical.

    Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”

    She says, “Then, I’m fifteen minutes late.”

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