Delivery Style: storytelling

Storytelling joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Double or Nothing

    A certain country was ruled by a dictator who was very paranoid. He rarely appeared in public; he preferred to send one of his many doubles.

    One day, an enemy attacks the palace. The survival of the dictator is in question. The doubles await news, trembling in fear. If the dictator dies, they would be no longer useful, and with all the secrets they know, the new regime surely wouldn’t let them live.

    Finally, they are called into a conference room. One of the dictator’s chief advisors enters.

    “My dear doubles!” he says. “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that our beloved leader has survived the dastardly attack, and so, your services are still very much required.”

    The doubles collectively sigh with relief.

    Then a big man with an axe enters the room.

    “Now for the bad news,” continues the advisor. “He lost an arm…”

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  • Perfect Eyesight

    Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball, I couldn’t see where it went.”

    His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try?”

    “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

    “He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

    So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?”

    “Of course I did. Great shot!” answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

    “Where did it go?” Arthur asks.

    “I don’t remember.”

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  • Hit the Ball, Drag Walter

    A man goes golfing every Sunday morning and is usually home in time for lunch. Until one Sunday when his wife found herself waiting well past noon with no sign of her elderly husband. She wrapped up his lunch and put it in the fridge to stay fresh, busying herself with chores and growing more anxious as the afternoon wore on.

    Finally, he pulled into the driveway and she ran out to meet him. “Where have you been?” she asked.

    “Well, Walter had a heart attack on the third hole,” he replied. “Just keeled over and died right there on the spot!”

    “Oh no, that’s terrible!” the wife exclaimed.

    “Yeah, so for the whole rest of the day it was ‘hit the ball, drag Walter. Hit the ball, drag Walter…’”

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  • Cindy the Witch

    A guy goes to a whorehouse, feeling extremely horny. He’s willing to pay big money. The madame realizes that all her girls are currently occupied, but she doesn’t want to lose out on the cash. So she gets an idea.

    She puts a blow-up doll in a darkened room. Then she goes back to the guy and says, “You can have Cindy. She’s very shy and doesn’t speak or react, and she likes to do it with the lights off. But you can do anything you want with her, she won’t complain.”

    The guy pays his money and goes up to the room.

    Ten minutes later he runs back down, naked, screaming, “Cindy’s a witch! Cindy’s a witch!”

    “What’s wrong?” asks the madame.

    “Well, you told me I could do what I like with Cindy, so I thought I’d try some rough stuff!”

    “What happened?”

    “I bit her tit and she flew out the window!”

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  • Which President Said That?

    A little boy was sitting in class. The teacher decided that since it was Friday afternoon and there was nothing left to do for the week, she’d let the students go home early if they could answer a question correctly.

    The teacher said, “Okay class, which president said, ‘The only thing we have to fear is fear itself’?”

    Little Timmy was bouncing up and down in his seat, arm raised: “OOH! OOH! I KNOW!”

    Before the teacher could call on him, little Julie stood and said, “Franklin Roosevelt.”

    “Very good, Julie, you can go,” the teacher replied. “Okay class, which president said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country’?”

    Again, little Timmy’s hand shot into the air and he waved his arms excitedly. “OOH! OOH! I KNOW! PLEASE!”

    Again, before she had a chance to call on anyone, little Sally stood and said, “John Kennedy.”

    “Very good, Sally, you may leave also.” The teacher asked again, “Okay class, which president said, ‘Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall’?”

    Before Timmy could answer, little Jennifer jumped up and shouted, “Ronald Reagan!”

    Frustrated, little Timmy mumbled to himself, “I wish these bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!”

    The teacher heard and shouted, “WHO SAID THAT?!?”

    Timmy jumped up: “Bill Clinton! Can I go now?”

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  • No Shit

    Immediately after mass one Sunday morning, a man stops to shake the preacher’s hand. “That was a goddamned fine sermon you gave today,” the man tells the preacher. “Goddamned fine!”

    “Thank you, sir,” the preacher answers, “but I’d rather you didn’t use that kind of foul, blasphemous language in the Lord’s house.”

    “You know, I was so goddamned impressed with that fucking sermon that I put $5,000 in the goddamned offering plate!” says the man.

    And the preacher says, “No shit!”

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  • The Golfing Widower

    Jim and Bob are golfing together on a Sunday morning. They’re both on the green, which is near a county highway.

    As Jim lines up his putt, a funeral procession goes by on the highway. Jim immediately stops, takes off his hat and bows his head.

    Bob is impressed. “Wow, Jim. That’s really a profound sign of respect. I’m impressed.”

    Jim answers, “Well, Bob. We were married for 41 years. It’s the least I could do.”

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  • And Tigger?

    And Tigger?

    Zack Riley @ColdHeart_Prj

    My son asked me “Where does poo come from?” I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation. He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

  • Madison’s Lab Partner

    Madison’s Lab Partner

    you thought you were having a bad day, at least you’re not Madison’s lab partner…yikesssssss

    Today in my bio lab we were doing check swabs and like checking them out under the microscope.. and cheek cells all look like fried eggs. & this girl was like ummm my don’t look anything like that and so the prof walked over and looked at hers and she goes well that’s because these aren’t cheek cells they’re sperm cells

  • The Sperm Count

    An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave him a jar and said, “Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow.” The next day, the man returned to the office and handed him the jar, which was as clean and empty as the day before.

    The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained,

    “Well, doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then my left, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left — nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then the teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too — first with both hands, then an armpit, she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees — but still nothing.”

    The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor?”

    The old man replied, “Yep. None of us could get the jar open!”

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