Delivery Style: storytelling

Storytelling joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Little Johnny Explains What a Gnome Is

    A teacher asks her class, “Who can tell me a word that starts with the letter ‘A’?”

    Little Johnny raises his hand, and the teacher thinks, I’m not calling on Johnny. He’ll say something like ‘asshole.’

    So she calls on Suzy, who says, “Apple.”

    “Very good!” says the teacher. “Now… who can tell me a word that begins with the letter ‘B’?”

    Again, Johnny raises his hand, and the teacher thinks, I’m not calling on Johnny. He’ll say ‘bastard’ or ‘bitch.’

    So she calls on Stephen instead, and Stephen says, “Balloon.”

    This continues until they get to the letter G.

    Again, Johnny raises his hand, and the teacher says to herself, I can’t think of a swear word that starts with G.

    So she calls on Johnny.

    “Gnome,” says Johnny.

    Very surprised, the teacher says, “That’s excellent, Johnny! It does start with G, which is silent. Johnny, do you know what a gnome is?”

    “Yeah,” says Johnny. “It’s the little shit who lives in my garden and fucks fairies.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Doctor Clears Her Sinuses

    An old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I can’t stop farting. They’re silent with no smell, but I’ve let out 20 in the past five minutes sitting here.”

    The doctor gives her some pills and tells her to come back next week.

    The next week, the old lady comes back and says, “Doc, I took the pills. The farts are still silent, but now they stink!”

    The doctor says, “Great! We’ve cleared your sinuses. Now let’s work on your hearing!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Interpreter Had Other Plans

    A Chicago mob boss needed someone to collect protection money without talking to the police.

    With cops watching closely, he had an idea.

    “Get me someone who can’t talk. That way, if he gets picked up, he can’t talk to the cops.”

    They bring in Pete — a big bloke who looks mean as hell. He doesn’t speak and communicates only in sign language.

    By the end of the week, Pete has collected $50,000.

    Then he disappears.

    The boss sends two goons. They track Pete down easily, but he just stares at them, expressionless.

    So they drag him to an interpreter.

    One of the goons says, “Ask him where the money is.”

    The interpreter signs it.

    Pete shrugs and signs back, “No idea what you’re talking about.”

    The interpreter says, “He says he doesn’t know anything.”

    The goon pulls out a gun and presses it to Pete’s head.

    “Ask him again.”

    The interpreter hesitates, then signs again.

    Pete immediately folds.

    “Alright! It’s in Central Park, under a tree stump near 78th Street!”

    The interpreter turns back to the goons and says, “He says he doesn’t know anything — and he thinks you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Pissing Skittles

    Unfortunately, it wasn’t until after I had spent three days eating nothing but beets and asparagus, and downing enough Karo syrup to kill a horse, that I realized maybe it was actually during a dream when I came up with my super-secret formula for “pissing Skittles.”

  • Mother Nature and the Buttercups

    I was out playing golf and sliced a shot into a field of buttercups.

    Just as I was about to hit, I heard a voice say, “Don’t hurt any buttercups.”

    I asked, “Who are you?”

    “I’m Mother Nature. If you can chip out of this field of buttercups without harming a single one, I’ll guarantee you have butter every day for the rest of your life.”

    I said, “Screw you. Where were you last week when I sliced into a field of pussy willows?”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Lone Ranger’s Three Wishes

    The Lone Ranger is riding across the range when he gets captured by a group of Native Americans.

    The tribal leader shows the Lone Ranger his deepest respect, as the Ranger is considered an honorable man. He offers the Ranger three wishes before he is to be put to death by fire.

    The Ranger calls for his faithful horse, Silver, and whispers in the horse’s ear. The horse rides off into the distance and a short time later returns with a beautiful blonde riding in his saddle.

    The tribal leader is impressed and offers his personal tent to the Ranger. After some time in the tent, the Ranger emerges and asks for his horse again. He whispers in the horse’s ear, and Silver darts off into the distance. This time, Silver returns with a beautiful brunette on his saddle.

    The tribal leader is impressed yet again and gestures toward his tent. Once the Ranger emerges from the tent, he asks to see his horse one last time.

    The Ranger slaps Silver as hard as he can and says, “Read my lips, you stupid horse! I said POSSE!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Bearly A Joke: Legal Trouble in the Woods

    An American lawyer and his Czech brother-in-law are on a hunting vacation in Canada.

    As they exit their tent, they run into a male and female bear in the middle of an intimate moment. Enraged at the interruption, the male bear roars, rears up, and, with a sudden pounce, swallows the lawyer’s brother-in-law whole!

    The American runs for help, calling out for their Canadian ranger guide, who shows up with his hunting rifle. The American points at the male bear and says, “Quick! Shoot him, but be careful—my brother-in-law’s inside his belly!”

    The ranger levels his hunting rifle, takes aim, and shoots the female bear dead! Startled by the shot, the male bear runs off.

    The American falls to his knees, looks at the Canadian, and asks, “Why did you shoot the wrong bear?”

    The ranger scoffs and says, “Did you really expect me to believe a lawyer who tells me the Czech is in the male?”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Hooked on Rescue: A Fishy Dilemma!

    Three guys are fishing out of a boat. One guy’s lure gets stuck, and when he tries to reel it in, the line breaks. He tells the others with him that the lure was his favorite and that he is not leaving without it.

    He takes off his shirt and shoes and jumps in. He’s down there for such a long time that one of the other guys jumps in to try and save him. That guy is down for a while, but finally the guy still in the boat sees the second guy pop up with the first guy in tow.

    The one in the boat helps pull the guy in and right away starts to give him mouth-to-mouth. Almost instantly, he stops and says, “I can’t do it—his breath is horrible.”

    The other guy takes over as soon as he gets into the boat. Then he stops and says, “You’re right! I don’t remember his breath ever being that bad. In fact, I don’t remember him wearing that snowmobile suit.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Unexpected Guests: A Night at the Farm

    A Jew, a Hindu, and a lawyer are driving down a country road.

    Of course, their car breaks down, and they are forced to walk. They walk for hours, and as the sun is setting, they come upon an old farmhouse. They decide to take a chance and knock on the door. An old farmer answers, and the trio explain their situation.

    The farmer says, “Welp, ain’t nobody ’round here can help y’all till the morning. But y’all are welcome to spend the night here. But one of y’all is gonna have to bed down in the barn, ’cause I only got two spare beds, ya see.”

    So the trio draws straws, and the Jew gets the short one. He goes out to the barn to sleep, and everyone else goes to bed.

    A few minutes later, the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens it, and the Jew is standing there. The Jew says, “I can’t sleep in the barn. There’s a pig in there. It’s forbidden for me to sleep near such a filthy animal.”

    So they wake up the Hindu, and he agrees to swap places with the Jew. Everyone goes back to bed.

    A few minutes later, the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens it, and the Hindu is standing there. The Hindu says, “I can’t sleep in the barn. There’s a cow in there. I am unworthy to sleep near such a holy animal.”

    So they wake up the lawyer, and he goes out to sleep in the barn. Everyone goes back to bed.

    A few minutes later, the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens it, and there’s a pig and a cow standing there.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Don’t Worry, It’s Just the Drums!

    The Drums, the Drums!

    Two intrepid explorers are navigating up a remote river in Africa with the assistance of some native bearers.

    The first night, around the fire, the sound of drums can be heard in the distance. The explorers are clearly discomfited by the sound, but the natives tell them to relax—it’s not a big deal.

    The following night, the drums can be heard again, only much closer and louder. The explorers think this can’t be good and are visibly shaken. Again, the bearers tell them to calm down, that the drums are harmless.

    The third night, the drums are louder still, and the explorers are barely keeping it together. Suddenly…the drums stop.

    Now it is the bearers who are quaking, trembling in terror. When the explorers ask them the reason for this, the leader says, in a quavering voice,

    “Very bad! When drums stop, bass solo begins!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail