Delivery Style: storytelling

Storytelling joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Gorilla Pranks Lion: Jungle’s Wildest Tale!

    A gorilla spots a lion bent over a stream taking a drink. He sneaks up behind him, does his thing, and takes off running. Furious, the lion chases him through the jungle.

    The gorilla gets ahead and runs into a safari camp, quickly throws on some khakis, grabs a newspaper, and sits by the fire pretending to read.

    Moments later, the lion bursts into camp, roaring, “Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”

    Without looking up, the gorilla says, “You mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?”

    The lion gasps, “Oh my god! It’s in the paper already?!”

  • Curious Minds in the Park

    A boy and his father are walking in the park.

    The boy sees a male dog mounting a female dog. He asks his dad, “Dad, what are they doing?”

    Dad thinks for a second and says, “Well, son, they’re making a puppy.”

    This satisfies the boy’s curiosity, and they finish their walk.

    Later that night, the boy gets up for a drink of water. He passes his parents’ room, and they’ve carelessly left the door ajar. They’re face-to-face in the throes of passion.

    The little boy asks, “Dad, what are you and Mommy doing?”

    The startled dad hesitates for a second, looks up, and says, “Well, son, we’re making you a baby brother.”

    And the kid says, “Well then, can you turn Mommy over? I’d rather have a puppy.”

  • Biden’s Barn Blues: A Night Out

    Biden, Obama, and Trump get lost in the woods one night.

    They come across an old farm and knock on the door to ask if they can get shelter there overnight.

    The farmer answers the door and says yes, but he only has room in his house for two guests, so one of the guys will have to sleep in the barn.

    Biden offers to sleep in the barn, and everyone turns in for the night. A couple minutes later, the farmer hears KNOCK KNOCK on the door. It was Biden standing there. Biden says, “I didn’t realize horses were in there. I’m allergic.”

    So the farmer lets Biden in and sends Obama to the barn instead. A couple minutes later, the farmer hears KNOCK KNOCK on his door. It was Obama standing there. He said, “I can’t sleep out there. The smell from the pigs is making me nauseous.”

    So the farmer lets Obama in and sends Trump out to the barn instead. A couple minutes later, the farmer hears KNOCK KNOCK on the door.

    It was the horse and the pigs standing there.

  • Love Stinks: A Wedding Dilemma

    A young couple decided to wed but, as the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.
    Long
    Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

    The groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.

    “Father, I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.”

    His father replied, “Do you love this girl?”

    “Oh yes, very much,” he said,” but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.”

    “No problem,” said his father, “All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”

    Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

    The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom.

    “Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”

    “Honey,” her mother consoled, “Everyone has bad breath in the morning.”

    “No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”

    Her mother said simply, “In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth.”

    “I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked.

    “Not a word,” her mother affirmed.

    “Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought.

    The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.

    Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, “What on earth are you doing?”

    “Oh no!” he replied, “You’ve swallowed my sock!”

  • Marriage: The Real Devil’s Advocate

    Church was in service when the Devil appeared and started running up and down the aisles, screaming, “I AM BEELZEBUB, LORD OF HELL! FEAR ME!”

    Everyone in the church started panicking and scrambling to escape, except an old man who just quietly sat there shaking his head.

    The Devil, seeing this, went up to the old man and shouted, “I AM BEELZEBUB! WHY AREN’T YOU AFRAID OF ME?!”

    The old man calmly looked the devil in the eyes and said, “I’ve been married to your sister for 60 years.”

  • Papal Joyride: A Divine Driving Desire

    After getting Pope Francis’s luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices the pope is still standing on the curb.

    “Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver. “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”

    “Well, to tell you the truth,” says the pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”

    “I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?!” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

    “Who’s going to tell?” says the pope with a smile.

    Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 km/h.

    “Please slow down, Your Holiness,” pleads the worried driver, but the pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

    “Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license—and my job!” moans the driver.

    The pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
    “I need to talk to the chief,” he says to the dispatcher.

    The chief gets on the radio, and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 km/h.

    “So bust him,” says the chief.

    “I don’t think we want to do that. He’s really important,” says the cop.

    The chief exclaims, “All the more reason!”

    “No, I mean really important,” says the cop with a bit of persistence.

    The chief then asks, “Who do you have there, the mayor?”

    Cop: “Bigger.”

    Chief: “A senator?”
    Cop: “Bigger.”

    Chief: “The president?”

    Cop: “Bigger.”

    “Well,” says the chief, “who is it?”

    Cop: “I think it’s God!”

    The chief is even more puzzled and curious. “What makes you think it’s God?”

    Cop: “His chauffeur is the pope!”

  • Firefighter or Photographer? The Great Mix-Up!

    A photographer for a prominent national news magazine was assigned to get photos of a humongous forest fire.

    Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. His editor made the arrangements and assured him the plane would be started and waiting for him at the airport.

    As soon as he got to the small rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!”

    The pilot turned the plane into the wind, and soon they were in the air.

    “Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low-level passes.”

    “Why?” asked the pilot.

    “Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.

    After a long pause, the pilot said, “Wait, you mean you’re not the instructor?”

  • Captain’s Secret Weapon: The Red Vest!

    A merchant ship filled with gold is sailing in the Caribbean when the lookout in the crow’s nest suddenly cries out, “Pirate ship off the starboard bow!” The captain immediately orders, “Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my red vest.”

    A fierce battle follows, and the pirates are driven off.

    The next day, the lookout calls again, “Pirate ship off the port bow!”

    Without hesitation, the captain shouts, “Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my red vest.”

    Once more, the pirates are defeated.

    Two days later, the lookout bellows, “Pirate ship dead ahead!”

    The captain remains calm. “Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my red vest.”

    Again, the pirates are beaten back.

    After the fight, the first mate approaches the captain. “Begging your pardon, sir, but why do you always ask for your red vest when we’re under attack?” The captain replies, “So that if I am wounded in battle, the crew will not see my blood and lose heart.”

    Three days later, the lookout’s voice rings out in alarm: “Three pirate ships off the starboard bow, the port bow, and dead ahead!”

    The captain turns to his first mate and says, “Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my brown trousers.”

  • Mule-icious Courtroom Comeback!

    Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.

    In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” said the lawyer.

    Farmer Joe responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the….”

    “I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?!”

    Farmer Joe said, “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”

    The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

    By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”

    Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

    “I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

    “Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

    “Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?””

  • Dave’s Daring Claim: Hollywood Reunion!

    Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

    “No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

    “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a chat!”

    Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

    “No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.

    “Iron Mike Tyson” his boss quickly retorts.

    “Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to New York,” and off they go.

    When they get there, Tyson spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to the gym, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a catch up.”

    Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave Iron Mike Tyson’s house he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

    “Pope Benedict” his boss replies.

    “Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.

    Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

    Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

    Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”

    His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out onto the balcony and the man next to me said, “wait a minute, who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?”