Storytelling joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A bear and a bunny rabbit were pooping next to each other in the woods. The bear asked the bunny if it had problems with poop sticking to its fur.
The bunny replied with a soft, “No, Mr. Bear, I don’t have a problem with poop sticking to my fur.”
So, the bear wiped its butt with the bunny rabbit.
Jesus is hanging on the cross and calls out to one of his apostles…
“Peter, Peter!” Jesus cries.
Peter, down at the bottom of Calvary Hill, hears his Lord’s call and runs as fast as he can toward the sound of the voice. He ducks and weaves through the crowd until he’s spotted by a Roman soldier. The soldier cuts Peter’s left arm off and kicks him back down the hill.
Jesus calls out again, his voice weakening: “Peter, Peter.”
Though weak himself from his injury, Peter gets to his feet and begins up the hill again. Peter makes it past the first soldier and a bit farther up the hill when a second Roman soldier cuts off Peter’s other arm and kicks him back down the hill. Peter lies bleeding out when he hears the weakening voice of Jesus yet again.
“Peter… Peter,” Jesus beckons.
Peter musters his strength and stands. He begins his third attempt at climbing the hill. The first soldier is occupied and doesn’t notice Peter. The second soldier is busy beating another man. But when Peter is just about to reach the foot of the cross, a third soldier draws his sword, cuts off Peter’s left leg, and kicks him back down the hill. Peter, now nearly dead, hears Jesus call out one last time.
Now just a whisper, Jesus calls, “Peter… Peter…”
Peter, now looking more like a snake than a man, begins slithering his way back up the hill on his belly. The first, second, and third soldiers take no notice of Peter while he slowly makes his way through the blood and the mud. Peter can feel his strength waning as he finally reaches the top of the hill. Peter collapses at the foot of the cross and calls out to his Lord, “My Lord Jesus, why dost thou beckon me?”
Jesus gazes down upon his faithful apostle and says, “Peter, Peter… I can see your house from up here.”
There was this magician of some repute who was hired to do his act aboard a cruise ship.
He had been there for several years, and since the crowd was continually changing, he did the same act over and over. He enjoyed the good life in this sense, spending most of his time out on the promenade deck working on his tan, not new tricks.
One day, the captain bought a parrot and, over the months, brought the parrot with him to see the nightly magic show.
Being a smart parrot, the bird learned all the tricks—where the cards, flower, etc. were hidden by the magician in his act.
The bird would say, “The card is up his left sleeve, the flower is under the pot, he hid the money under his shoe…”
Because the parrot would only take about a week to catch on to his magic tricks, the magician was forced to continually learn new ones, which was getting harder and harder by the day, and really cramping his “sun time.”
To put it mildly, he hated the darn parrot, but since it was the captain’s, he couldn’t do anything about it.
Late one night, the engine room exploded and the ship sank within minutes. Miraculously, the magician found himself clinging to a timber, floating in the water surrounded by darkness. Alas, he was the only one left alive!
As the sun came up the next morning and he turned around, what should be sitting 20 feet away on the opposite end of the log—his arch-nemesis, the parrot!
They glared at each other and said nothing. This went on for three days, and neither said a word, just glared.
On the fourth day, the parrot finally broke the silence and said, “Okay! I give up. What did you do with the ship?”
A boy and his grandfather were digging in the backyard when the grandfather pulled a long earthworm out of the dirt.
The boy says, “Hey, Grandpa. I bet you five bucks I can put that worm right back in the ground.”
“No way that’s possible,” says the grandfather. “You’re on.”
The kid goes inside, gets a can of hairspray, and sprays the length of the earthworm, which goes completely stiff. He takes it between his fingers and slides the worm right back into its burrow.
The grandfather shakes his head and, with an “I’ll be damned,” hands the kid a five-dollar bill and heads inside.
After a while, he comes back out to the yard and hands the kid a five-dollar bill.
“Grandpa,” the kid says, “you already paid me.”
“I know,” the grandfather replies. “That’s from Grandma.”
The Rectum Stretcher
There was a middle-aged blonde lady speeding down the highway in a red sports car. She accelerated while crossing a bridge, figuring she didn’t have to worry about speed traps.
At the end of the bridge, there was a cop hidden behind a bunch of bushes. His radar gun tagged her at 95 mph. He pulled her over, walked up to the car, and asked, “What’s the hurry?”
She said, “I’m late to work.”
The cop asked, “What do you do?”
The lady responded, “I’m a rectum stretcher.”
The cop chuckled, winked at her, and asked, “Now just what in the hell does a rectum stretcher do?”
Without missing a beat, she took the opportunity to explain. “Our clients come into our office wanting their rectum stretched. We lube up their assholes until we can get two fingers in there, then we wiggle those fingers around and stretch it until we can get our entire hand inside.”
The cop was in disbelief at this point and let his mouth drop open. Disgusted but intrigued, he continued to listen.
She continued, “After we get back from lunch and the patients have had some time to rest, we put our hands back in their butthole and continue the back-and-forth stretching until we can get both hands inside. Once that’s accomplished, we proceed to stretch their rectum until it’s about six feet long!”
The cop, disheveled and in disbelief, raised his voice and said, “COME ON, LADY! NOW JUST WHAT IN THE HELL WOULD YOU DO WITH A SIX-FOOT ASSHOLE?”
She replied, “You give it a radar gun and stick it behind a bridge.”
A man is having a terrible day. He’s broke and needs to get his mind off things. He goes to a brothel, hoping to clear his mind. Beautiful women are lined up waiting for his choice.
He talks to the madame and says, “I only have $10 to my name. Is there anyone who will fuck me?”
The madame talks with some of the girls and heads to the back room. She comes back a while later.
She tells him only one prostitute will sleep with him: Sandpaper Sally. She’s at the end of the hall.
Nervously, he walks down the hall and enters the room. A woman who isn’t the worst-looking greets him. After warming him up a bit, she begins to fuck him. Her name held true. The man was so uncomfortable while fucking that he had to stop.
He said, “I can’t do this. It’s too painful.”
Sally says, “Hang on, I’ll be right back.” She leaves for the bathroom.
The man is trying to recover. Sally comes back a little while later, and they go at it again. This time it was AMAZING. It was wet and soft. He came, and it was one of the best orgasms he has ever had.
Astonished, he looks at Sandpaper Sally and asks, “What did you do in the bathroom?”
She gives a small smile and says, “I picked off all of the scabs.”
A captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour, he noticed a very old, seedy-looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”
The sergeant replied, “Well, sir, it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”
The captain said, “Well, if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me.”
After he had been at the fort for about six months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, “BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!”
The sergeant shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain’s quarters. The captain got a footstool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped down from the stool, satisfied, and was buttoning his pants, he asked the sergeant, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?”
The sergeant replied, “Well, sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.”
A man is making a long journey in the desert with his camel. He has been walking for days and suddenly has the urge to have sex. With no other options, he tries to have sex with the camel, which immediately runs away. He catches up and, after another day or so, tries again, but fails because the camel runs away.
Another day or two later, he comes across three gorgeous women next to a broken-down van. They ask him for help fixing the van and say they will do anything in return.
The man is a bit of a mechanic, so he is able to fix their van. The girls come up to him and ask him what he would like; they’re willing to do anything.
“Anything?” asks the man.
“Anything you want,” they reply.
The man thinks about it for a minute, then politely asks, “Could you hold down my camel?”
A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes out and screws all 150 of the farmer’s hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore—he is worried.
The next morning, not only is the rooster screwing the hens, but he is screwing the turkeys, ducks, and even the cow.
Later, the farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead, and vultures circling overhead.
The farmer runs out, looks down at the young rooster’s limp body, and says, “You deserved it, you horny bastard!”
The young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, “Shhhh! They are about to land.”
A woman is in the hospital in a coma, hooked up to all the monitors. One day, while the nurse was cleaning the wife, she noticed a blip of brain activity as she washed her nether region. The nurse scrambled to grab the doctor to show him.
The doctor ran the sponge over again: another blip. He was a little more vigorous, and a stronger series of blips appeared, but nothing brought back consciousness.
The doctor rushed out, called the husband, and told him to rush over to the hospital. When the husband arrived, the doctor let him know there was some brain activity and said it might be a weird request, but oral may bring his wife back.
The husband was flabbergasted, but after being reassured no one would interrupt, he went in and shut the blinds.
The doctors and nurses gathered around the nurses’ station when, suddenly, alarm bells started going off. The doctor and nurse ran in to help and saw the husband sitting beside her.
Doctor: “What happened?”
Husband: “I think she choked.”
