Storytelling joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A wealthy man commissioned an artist to paint a mural depicting General Custer’s last words at the Battle of the Little Bighorn. He told the artist he’d have complete creative freedom on how to present the scene.
A man reaches the age of 100 and a news crew goes to see what his secret to long life is. The neighbor kids say “He’s always drinking on his front porch.” The local police say “we always have to pick him up from the bars for fighting.” The butcher says “He eats a pound of bacon from my store every day!” Finally they go to his house to interview him.
Sure enough, his front lawn is strewn with cigarette butts and beer cans. The old man comes to the door, his face weathered and brown, with nicotine stains on his teeth, and the smell of bacon wafting out the door. But he’s walking, just a little slow, but really well for a 100 year old man.
“Sir, how did you manage to live so long? It sounds like you have so many unhealthy habits, is there anything special you do?”.
“Well, first, I bribed the pension office to say I was 75, so I could retire at 30. That was about thirty years ago.”
Little Johnny refused to study math so his parents decided to put him in Catholic school and let the nuns fix the situation. Sure enough, Johnny came home after her very first day and went straight to his room to work on his math homework. Right after dinner, he went back to his room to study math, right up to bedtime. And even after bedtime, his parents found him working on math problems with a flashlight under his blanket.
The next morning, while Johnny was working on math problems over breakfast, his baffled parents asked him why his new school had changed his attitude towards math so quickly. He answered with a terrified whisper:
“When the nuns took us to chapel, I saw the guy they nailed to the plus sign…. I knew they weren’t joking around.”
A Priest dies, and goes to heaven. In heaven he is given a small apartment, a modest budget to buy groceries and food, and a pass to ride on the Heaven Express bus company. However he keeps noticing a certain guy driving around heaven in a sports car, residing in the biggest mansion in heaven, eating at the finest heavenly restaurants, and given the royal treatment wherever he goes. The Priest starts to get jealous so he makes an appointmentto see God.
“What’s going on? “He asks God “Who is that guy who is treated like he’s the new Messiah?”
“Oh, that’s Kevin” Answers God,
“I don’t get it” says the Priest “Didn’t I love a good life in your service? Haven’t I been a true follower”
“Yes you have been” Says God “I couldn’t have asked for any more from you. You have been a perfect servant”
“So what makes Kevin so special. Why is he given everything on a silver platter?” asks the priest
“Kevin’s a lawyer” answer god
“so?”
“Well you see. We have thousands and thousands of Priests who made it up here. But Kevin’s the only lawyer”.
A family walks into a talent agency and says they have an act. The talent agent retorts, “I don’t sign family acts, sorry.” They reply, “Please! You’ve got to see our act.”
They spring into action. The dad pulls out a coffee table and the mom starts laying out saucers and teacups. The son places chairs around the table while the daughter serves blueberry scones. They proceed to enjoy a mid-morning tea and have polite conversation. They laugh and smile and bond as family.
When they finish their tea and scones, the agent asks, “What do you call your act?”
The family replies, “The cocksucking mother fuckers…”
A man walks into a bar and sees a big barrel full to bursting with $20 bills. He orders a drink and, striking up a conversation with the bartender, gets around to asking, “what’s the deal with the big barrel of cash?”
The bartender chuckles and says, “oh, for a $20 entry fee that can be yours. You just have to complete three tasks.”
The man perks up and says, “what do I have to do to win?”
The bartender says, “first, you need to do a shot of this hot sauce brewed from the hottest peppers in the world. After that, there’s a pitbull in the back. Take these pliers and pull out its rotten, sore tooth.”
The man balks at that, but says “what’s the third thing?”
The bartender says, “there’s an old lady who lives above the bar. Have sex with her until she’s satisfied and the money is yours.”
The man has a few drinks and thinks about it. Finally he slaps a $20 on the bar. The bartender pours a shot from the hottest peppers sauce and the man plugs his nose and downs the shot.
Next the man disappears and the whole bar hears the dog growling, barking and snapping. He comes staggering back into the bar, scratched and bloodied. After he catches his breath he turns to the bartender and says, “alright, where is this bitch with the bad tooth?”
An undercover cop came to my farm out in the sticks yesterday evening.
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs,” he said.
“By all means, Officer—just don’t go in that field over there,” I replied.
The cop exploded. “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!” he shouted, pulling a badge out of his back pocket. “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want, and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want. Have I made myself clear?!”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went back to work.
A short while later, I heard loud screaming. I looked up and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by my angry bull. With every step, the bull was gaining ground, and it looked like he was gonna get gored before he reached safety.
The officer looked terrified and kept running for his life.
I threw down my tools, ran to the edge of the fence, and shouted at the top of my lungs:
“Your badge—show him your fucking badge!”
