Surprise twist joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, “What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?”
The little girl replies, “I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe.”
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, “I thought Barbie comes with Ken.”
“No,” says the little girl. “She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.”
This woman is in labor. Everything is going fine, and suddenly the nurse exclaims “I can see his head!”
And sure enough, the baby peeks out. But then he sees this nurse, gets scared, and ducks back in. After a few moments, he pops his head out and looks around the room again. This time, he sees the doctor, gets scared, and ducks back in. A few more minutes pass, and the baby reluctantly peeks out again. This time, he sees the father.
Suddenly, he reaches out and starts poking the father on his forehead and says, “How do you like that, mother fucker!??”
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men’s toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn’t reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child.
“I guess you must be in the fifth,” she said.
“No ma’am,” he replied, “I’m in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow.”
Delta Airlines introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.
Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
The results were mixed. On the positive side, 96% of the surveys were returned — by far the highest in the history of such surveys.
On the negative side, virtually all of the returned surveys contained only one short sentence: “What fucking trip???”
Teacher to Little Johnny: “You’re late again. What’s your excuse today, Johnny?”
LJ: “There was a man outside who lost a hundred dollar bill.”
Teacher: “Oh… so you were helping him find it? That’s very nice of you, Johnny.”
LJ: “Well, not really… I was standing on it.”
When it was finally her turn to take care of the elderly Father Sands, the novice Jenny was taken aside by the Mother Superior.
“I must warn you,” the older woman said, “that although Father Sands is old in body, he is young at heart. It is important that when you give him his bath, you never look below his waist. Otherwise, he will become very excited.”
With that, Jenny went to look after the aged priest. Later, sobbing, Jenny sought out the Mother Superior.
“Forgive me,” the novice said, “but when I was bathing Father Sands, I — I looked down. As you said, he became aroused.”
“And what happened?”
“I — I lay with him. He said that I would surely go to heaven if I let him put his key to the gates of St. Peter in my lock.”
“Why, that old bastard!” the Mother Superior fumed. “For years he’s been telling me it’s Gabriel’s trumpet!”
A man with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach.
A beautiful woman walks by. She sees him, takes pity on him and says, “You poor thing. Have you ever been held by a woman?”
“No,” he says sadly.
She kneels down and embraces him. Then she gets up and walks on.
Some time later, another even more beautiful woman walks by. She sees him, takes pity on him and says, “You poor man. Have you ever been kissed?”
“No,” he sighs.
She leans down and kisses him. Then she walks on.
A while after that, a third woman appears. She’s even more beautiful than the first two. She sees the limbless man lying there, looks at him and says, “Have you ever been fucked?”
“No, I haven’t.”
“Well you are now, the tide’s coming in!”
A man comes to the hospital and says his elbow hurts.
The doctor tells him to take a urine test.
The man gets annoyed: “Doctor, why a urine test? My elbow hurts!”
The doctor replies: “You came here for treatment. If I said take the test, then take the test and stop arguing.”
The man goes home furious. Out of spite, he mixes together urine from his wife, daughter, mother-in-law, and cat, adds some water from the heating radiator, and even pours in some brake fluid from his car. Then he takes the whole mixture to the lab.
The next day he comes back for the results.
The doctor says: “Well, your cat is perfectly healthy, so no need to worry about her. Your heating system is fine too — no repairs needed anytime soon.
Your mother-in-law is developing a serious illness. She’ll need surgery, expensive and only available abroad.
Don’t worry about your daughter — her young, strong body, despite being thirteen, has successfully formed a fetus. It’s twins.
As for your wife — she’s had syphilis for about six months, and because of that she’s not sleeping with you. So you go jerk off in the bathroom, it’s cramped in there, you keep banging your elbow against the wall — that’s why your elbow hurts.”
The man stands up, completely stunned, and walks away.
The doctor shouts after him:
“And change your brake fluid while you’re at it — your left rear brake cylinder is leaking too!”
A father came home and found his 8-year-old boy sitting on the front porch smoking a cigar. He marched up to the lad, removed the cigar from the boy’s mouth and said, “I suppose you’re going to tell me that you’re sitting there smoking that cigar because you just became a father.”
“Hell no, Dad,” said the boy, “Cindy ain’t even reached puberty yet.”
Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup. As he is being looked over, the doctor asks about his stuttering. After considerable effort, he was able to tell the doctor that it started shortly after reaching puberty. The doctor asks him to drop his pants and underwear, at which point he sees the patient has an exceptionally large member. The doctor picks it up and asks the man if he feels any better. The patient clearly replies with no stutter that he feels great. The doctor tells him the weight is putting stress on his diaphragm, making it hard to move air in and out of his lungs, causing the stutter. The doctor says he can correct the problem but will have to replace his manhood with a smaller but still functional penis. The guy agrees to have it done because he is tired of the looks and insults he gets from strangers.
A couple days later he storms into the doctor’s office and, with perfect diction, asks the doctor to give back his old penis or his girlfriend will leave him.
The doctor replies, “I-I-I-I’m s-s-s-so sorry. I-I-I c-c-ca-can-can’t do that.”
