Format: short

Short comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • If Those Useless Cocksuckers at the Lumber Yard

    A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

    The young family’s 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

    They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take her dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

    When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, “I’ve been working with a crew building a house all week.”

    “My goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week too?”

    “I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fucking wood,” replied the little girl.

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  • Bet Your Ass Its Not Cheerios

    There are two little brothers, one is seven and the other is four. The seven year old convinces the four year old that they are old enough to swear now. He tells the four year old, “When we go downstairs, I will say, ‘Hell’ and you say ‘ass’.”

    The four year old agrees. When they get downstairs, the mother asks the seven year old, “What do you want for breakfast?”

    Seven year old, “Oh, hell, I’ll just have some Cheerios.”

    Well, mother slaps the crap out of him and sends him to his room.

    Then, she turns to the four year old — “What do you want for breakfast?”

    The four year old is wide-eyed and says, “I’m not sure, but you can bet your ass it’s not going to be Cheerios!”

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  • How Do You Like That

    This woman is in labor. Everything is going fine, and suddenly the nurse exclaims “I can see his head!”

    And sure enough, the baby peeks out. But then he sees this nurse, gets scared, and ducks back in. After a few moments, he pops his head out and looks around the room again. This time, he sees the doctor, gets scared, and ducks back in. A few more minutes pass, and the baby reluctantly peeks out again. This time, he sees the father.

    Suddenly, he reaches out and starts poking the father on his forehead and says, “How do you like that, mother fucker!??”

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  • Thanks for the Lift

    A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

    As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men’s toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn’t reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child.

    “I guess you must be in the fifth,” she said.

    “No ma’am,” he replied, “I’m in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow.”

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  • What Fucking Trip

    Delta Airlines introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.

    Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

    The results were mixed. On the positive side, 96% of the surveys were returned — by far the highest in the history of such surveys.

    On the negative side, virtually all of the returned surveys contained only one short sentence: “What fucking trip???”

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  • So Fragrantly

    A local store was giving away free samples of perfume, limited to one per customer.

    I went in with my brother, who decided that if he sprayed the entire sample on himself in the store, then he was entitled to take another as he hadn’t technically left the store with the first. He repeated this seven or eight times until he reeked of roses.

    Somehow, he seemed not to find anything wrong with this behaviour. I, however, was appalled. I couldn’t believe my own brother would abuse the rules so fragrantly.

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  • Gabriels Trumpet

    When it was finally her turn to take care of the elderly Father Sands, the novice Jenny was taken aside by the Mother Superior.

    “I must warn you,” the older woman said, “that although Father Sands is old in body, he is young at heart. It is important that when you give him his bath, you never look below his waist. Otherwise, he will become very excited.”

    With that, Jenny went to look after the aged priest. Later, sobbing, Jenny sought out the Mother Superior.

    “Forgive me,” the novice said, “but when I was bathing Father Sands, I — I looked down. As you said, he became aroused.”

    “And what happened?”

    “I — I lay with him. He said that I would surely go to heaven if I let him put his key to the gates of St. Peter in my lock.”

    “Why, that old bastard!” the Mother Superior fumed. “For years he’s been telling me it’s Gabriel’s trumpet!”

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  • The Tides Coming In

    A man with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach.

    A beautiful woman walks by. She sees him, takes pity on him and says, “You poor thing. Have you ever been held by a woman?”

    “No,” he says sadly.

    She kneels down and embraces him. Then she gets up and walks on.

    Some time later, another even more beautiful woman walks by. She sees him, takes pity on him and says, “You poor man. Have you ever been kissed?”

    “No,” he sighs.

    She leans down and kisses him. Then she walks on.

    A while after that, a third woman appears. She’s even more beautiful than the first two. She sees the limbless man lying there, looks at him and says, “Have you ever been fucked?”

    “No, I haven’t.”

    “Well you are now, the tide’s coming in!”

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  • Urine Test Results

    A man comes to the hospital and says his elbow hurts.

    The doctor tells him to take a urine test.

    The man gets annoyed: “Doctor, why a urine test? My elbow hurts!”

    The doctor replies: “You came here for treatment. If I said take the test, then take the test and stop arguing.”

    The man goes home furious. Out of spite, he mixes together urine from his wife, daughter, mother-in-law, and cat, adds some water from the heating radiator, and even pours in some brake fluid from his car. Then he takes the whole mixture to the lab.

    The next day he comes back for the results.

    The doctor says: “Well, your cat is perfectly healthy, so no need to worry about her. Your heating system is fine too — no repairs needed anytime soon.

    Your mother-in-law is developing a serious illness. She’ll need surgery, expensive and only available abroad.

    Don’t worry about your daughter — her young, strong body, despite being thirteen, has successfully formed a fetus. It’s twins.

    As for your wife — she’s had syphilis for about six months, and because of that she’s not sleeping with you. So you go jerk off in the bathroom, it’s cramped in there, you keep banging your elbow against the wall — that’s why your elbow hurts.”

    The man stands up, completely stunned, and walks away.

    The doctor shouts after him:

    “And change your brake fluid while you’re at it — your left rear brake cylinder is leaking too!”

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  • Cindy Aint Even Reached Puberty Yet

    A father came home and found his 8-year-old boy sitting on the front porch smoking a cigar. He marched up to the lad, removed the cigar from the boy’s mouth and said, “I suppose you’re going to tell me that you’re sitting there smoking that cigar because you just became a father.”

    “Hell no, Dad,” said the boy, “Cindy ain’t even reached puberty yet.”

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