Format: short

Short comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Beat Me Half to Death

    A guy finds an old lamp and gives it a rub. A genie pops out.

    The genie says, “I will grant you three wishes, but there are rules. One wish has to be good for you, two have to be bad for you. And whatever you wish for, your ex-wife gets double.”

    The guy thinks for a second and says, “Alright. For my first wish, I want a million-dollar mansion sitting on one hundred acres, with a safe inside that has ten million dollars in it.”

    The genie snaps his fingers. “Done. And your ex-wife now has a two-million-dollar ranch on two hundred acres with a safe holding twenty million.”

    The guy shakes his head but says, “Okay. For my second wish, I want you to give my ex-wife half of everything I have.”

    The genie looks at him for a moment, then snaps again. “Done. Which means she now has to give you all of hers.”

    The guy smiles. “Perfect.”

    The genie says, “Alright, last wish. This one has to be bad for you.”

    The guy takes a breath and says, “Fine. I want you to beat me half to death.”

    The genie pauses, looks at him, then slowly smiles.

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  • The Ladies’ Tee Box

    A guy is golfing at an upscale course and goes to hit the ball from the red tees. A staff member is driving by in his cart and grabs a megaphone: “Will the gentleman on hole four please move his ball back to the white markers, and not hit from the ladies’ tee box?”

    The guy yells back, “Will the guy in the golf cart please shut the fuck up so I can take my second shot?”

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  • Afghanistan

    The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.

    The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

    The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

    The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

    The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant-major who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, “From the tip of my penis to my testicles.”

    It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old sergeant-major insisted, and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

    The medical officer arrived at the barracks in the UK and instructed the sergeant-major to “drop ’em,” which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the sergeant’s penis and began to work back.

    “Dear Lord,” the medical officer suddenly exclaimed. “Where are your balls?”

    The old sergeant-major calmly replied, “Afghanistan.”

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  • Pig!

    A woman decides she’s finally going to get into shape and start jogging. She jogs for several miles and is feeling really great about herself. But then a man drives by, points out the window and shouts, “Pig!”

    The woman shouts back, “How dare you!”

    Then she trips over a pig.

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  • I Am Jesus Christ

    Two priests are walking down the street when a drunk comes up to them, falls onto one of them, and says, “I am Jesus Christ.”

    The priest, smelling the drunk, immediately pushes him off and says, “No, you are NOT Jesus Christ.”

    The drunk says, “Betcha I am. Follow me.” The priests look at one another before the drunk starts pulling one by the arm, dragging the priest into a corner pub.

    The drunk stumbles into the pub with the priests in tow, when the bartender shouts, “Jesus Christ, what are you doing back in here? I told you to leave!”

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  • The Kia vs. the Rolls-Royce

    A man driving a Kia stops at a traffic light next to a Rolls-Royce.

    The Kia driver rolls down his window and calls out to the Rolls-Royce driver, “Hey, pal, that’s an impressive car. Does your Rolls have Wi-Fi? My Kia does!”

    The Rolls-Royce driver replies, “Yes, it has Wi-Fi.”

    The Kia driver continues, “Nice! And do you have a fridge in there? I have a fridge in the backseat of my Kia!”

    The Rolls-Royce driver, getting irritated, responds, “Yes, there’s a refrigerator.”

    Not backing down, the Kia driver asks, “That’s cool, man! What about a TV? I’ve got a TV in my Kia’s backseat!”

    The Rolls-Royce driver, increasingly annoyed, says, “Yes, there’s a television. A Rolls-Royce is the epitome of luxury vehicles!”

    The Kia driver says, “Amazing car! But do you have a bed in there? I’ve got a bed in the back of my Kia!”

    Frustrated that his car lacks a bed, the Rolls-Royce driver speeds off. He heads straight to the dealership and orders a bed to be installed in his Rolls. The following morning, he picks up his car, and the bed looks fantastic, complete with silk sheets and elegant brass accents. It’s undoubtedly a bed suited for a Rolls-Royce.

    The Rolls-Royce driver spends the entire day searching for the Kia. Finally, late that night, he spots the Kia parked with fogged-up windows. He gets out of his Rolls-Royce and knocks on the Kia’s window. At first, there’s no response, but then the owner pokes his head out, dripping wet.

    “I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the Rolls-Royce driver declares smugly.

    The Kia driver replies, “Did you really drag me out of the shower just to tell me that?!”

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  • Disabled Porn

    A guy takes his wife and two small kids on a driving vacation, and checks into a cheap motel. He asks the clerk, “For the sake of our kids’ TV viewing, can we have the porn disabled?”

    The clerk responds, “Who the hell would make their kids watch disabled porn, you sick bastard?”

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  • My Shit Doesn’t Stink

    The doctor asks the man, “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

    The man says, “Well doc, this is gonna sound a little weird. I wasn’t even sure if I should come to you about it, but you know what they say, better safe than sorry!”

    The doctor says, “I’ve heard everything there is. Out with it, man, what seems to be the problem?”

    The man says, “Well doc, here’s the thing. My shit doesn’t stink anymore.”

    “Your shit doesn’t stink anymore?” the doctor repeats back as a question.

    “Yes sir. I noticed it a month ago in late April. I was sitting down for my regular morning shit. Everything went well — firm, good size, came right out nice and smooth — and that’s when I noticed. No smell! Not a damn thing! I’ve just been wondering if something might be wrong,” the man explains.

    The doctor furrows his brow. “That is indeed puzzling, sir. It says here you’re not married. And you live alone?”

    “Just me and my dog,” the man replies.

    The doctor scribbles two prescriptions and hands them to the man. “Take one of each, once a day for two weeks and come back to me.”

    The man comes back two weeks later. Now he’s angry. His face is red as he grumpily explains, “Doc, I don’t know what you gave me, but ooh boy does my shit stink! I think you might have made things worse! I’m gagging in the bathroom! I can barely stand to be in the room with my own stink now! What in the hell did you give me?”

    The doctor replies, “Nasal decongestant and antihistamine.”

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  • Is That All You People Think About?

    Two Jews are walking down the street when they come upon a Christian church with a sign: “Come in! Convert to Christianity and receive $100!”

    One Jew says to the other, “I’m going in to see if getting $100 is this easy!”

    When he returns, he’s wearing a necklace with a cross. His friend points at the cross and says, “What’s that? Did you really convert?!”

    “Yes, I did. I’m now Christian.”

    “Well, did you get the $100?”

    “Is that all you people think about?”

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  • Not What It Looks Like

    So a girl walks in and catches her boyfriend masturbating to an optical illusion. “What the hell are you doing?” she screams.

    And he says, “Honey, it’s not what it looks like.”