Format: short

Short comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • We’re on the Patch

    Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror — the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, “What are we going to do?”

    The driver says, “Don’t worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we’ll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking.”

    They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy’s driver’s license. And he asks him, “Have you been drinking?”

    “Oh, no, sir,” the driver replies.

    “I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven’t been drinking?” the cop asks.

    “Oh, no, sir,” the drunk answers. “We haven’t had a thing to drink tonight.”

    “Well, I’ve got to ask you,” says the cop, “what on earth are those things on your forehead?”

    “That’s easy, Officer,” says the drunk. “You see, we’re both alcoholics, and we’re on the Patch!”

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  • Your Tit Is Hanging in the Ashtray

    A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, “Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy.”

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    The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drank in one gulp.

    “Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy.” Again, the bartender brought her a Martini.

    By this time the lady was leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, “Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn.”

    Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, “Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn — your tit is hanging in the ashtray.”

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  • Help Getting Out of the Mud

    Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car, and started it up.

    After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.

    The passenger screamed, “Look at the window! There’s an old ghost’s face there!”

    The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.

    The passenger rolled his window down partway and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”

    The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”

    The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it!” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

    A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry — the speedometer says we’re doing eighty now.”

    All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

    “There he is again!” the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”

    “Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked.

    The passenger threw a lighter out the window, saying, “Step on it!”

    They were driving about a hundred miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

    “Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”

    The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”

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  • The Three FBI Agents

    There were three recruits that were on their way up the ranks after joining the FBI for top-ranking officers. There was one final test for them to do before they were chosen to officially join the top ranks, and if they failed, they would not be chosen for the prestigious position.

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    So there were three doors, and the commander explains what each of them needs to do. He says, “Behind the door with your name on it is each one of your wives, and for the final test you must go in that room — there will be a gun sitting on the table — and you need to kill your wife.”

    There is an awkward silence for a few minutes before the first guy goes in the room with his name on it. A few minutes later, he comes bursting out of there crying, “I can’t do it! I just can’t do it!” He hands the gun to the commander and walks away.

    The second guy goes into the room with his name on it, and he’s in there for a little bit longer. He calmly comes out of the room, hands the commander his gun, and says, “Nope, can’t do it.”

    So the third guy goes in the room with his name on it, and he’s in there for quite a while. And then all of a sudden everyone outside the door hears “BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!” then “click, click, click, click,” and then they hear what sounds like a struggle. A few minutes later, the third guy comes out and says, “God damn it, somebody put blanks in this gun, so I had to take off my jacket and strangle the bitch.”

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  • Quit Making Spectacles of Yourselves

    A monocle strolls into a bar. After a couple of drinks, he starts feeling pretty great (and a bit unsteady). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender cuts him off. “Sorry, pal, but city rules ban smoking inside. You’ll have to go outside if you want to smoke.”

    So the monocle jumps down from the bar stool and picks up his cigarettes to head out. At the same time, a second monocle comes out of the bathroom. They collide as they pass each other and tumble to the ground, completely twisted together. They attempt to untangle themselves, but the harder they try, the more knotted they get.

    The bartender stares down at the mess and shakes his head. “Hey, you two!” he yells. “Quit making spectacles of yourselves!”

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  • Three Stops Ago

    A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to eat…

    So she says to her baby, “Eat up now or I’m going to give it to that nice man over there,” and points at the man sitting across from her.

    Ten minutes later: “You have to eat, or I will give it to that man!”

    Five minutes later: “Come on now, I can’t waste this milk so you have to eat or I’m giving it to that man.”

    At this point the gentleman sitting across from her finally says, “Come on lady, make up your mind, I was supposed to get off three stops ago!”

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  • The Tide’s Coming In

    A man was sitting on the beach, all alone. He had no arms and no legs.

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    Three beautiful women came walking along and stopped.

    One asked him, “Have you ever been hugged?”

    “No,” he said. She knelt and gave him a really great hug, then walked on.

    Another woman asked, “Have you ever been kissed?”

    “No,” he replied. She knelt and gave him a truly passionate kiss, then she followed the first lady.

    The third woman asked him, “Have you ever been fucked?”

    His pulse jumped, his breath caught, and his mouth got dry, and he said, “No.”

    “You will be. The tide’s coming in.”

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  • It’s a Date!

    A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He’s reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says, “Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward, but I would love to grab coffee with you some time.”

    Flattered, the man responds, “Sure… but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?”

    “Well…” the woman says. “A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing a Metallica t-shirt. They’re my favorite band of all time. When they went on their …And Justice for All tour, my parents took me to see them in Chicago. I was twelve years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Metallica.”

    The man can’t believe it.

    “I saw them play in Chicago too! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Mike and I told our parents we were sleeping at each other’s houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city, and saw them play at the World Music Theater!”

    Naturally, they’re both shocked.

    “If that isn’t weird enough…” says the woman. “I noticed you’re reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He’s my favorite author.”

    Now the man is really taken aback. “Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in nineteenth-century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer. I absolutely love Mark Twain.”

    They both can’t believe it… this has got to be a match made in heaven.

    “Ok…” the woman says. “Well, buckle up because here’s the icing on the cake. I noticed you’re eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we’d go up and harvest the plums with him. He’d dry them and by the time we’d go back to his place for Thanksgiving he’d always have those prunes saved just for us. They’re my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you’re eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?”

    The man puts down his fruit and responds, “It’s a date!”

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  • $chool and kNOwledge

    Sam went away to school. A month later, he mailed a letter to his mother:

    Dear Mom,

    $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I’m acing $pani$h and Economic$, and I $pend hour$ in the $ocial $cience$ department. $ociology i$ intere$ting!

    Ju$t off I can’t think of anything I wi$h for, but it would be $uper nice if you could ju$t $end me a card, a$ you know I would alway$ love to hear from you.

    Love and ki$$e$,
    your $on, $am

    His mother wrote back:

    Dear Sammy,

    I kNOw ecoNOmics, astroNOmy, and oceaNOgraphy are more than eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

    Love, your mom

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  • Much Better Insurance

    A rich donor is given a tour of the new hospital wing named after her.

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    The tour guide shows her all the wonderful people she’s helped, the staff they hired, and the medical equipment her philanthropy helped fund. As they tour one of the bottom floors, they come to a room where a man is furiously masturbating. The rich donor is appalled and wants to cut the tour short.

    The tour guide says, “Ma’am, you don’t understand. This man has a very rare condition. If he doesn’t ejaculate every hour or so, poisons will accumulate in his blood and he’ll die soon after.”

    Relieved by the explanation, the rich donor decides to continue the tour. She’s shown the cancer ward, obstetrics, the highly advanced surgical ward, and finally the top floor that houses the sickest patients. As the tourists pass a room, the donor notices a patient receiving a blowjob from a nurse. Again, she is appalled and wants to end the tour.

    The tour guide says, “Remember down on the first floor with the guy masturbating?”

    She replies, “How could I forget?”

    The tour guide says, “Well, this man has the same condition, only much better insurance.”

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