I was having dinner at my boss’s house…
…and his wife, serving up, said, “How many potatoes would you like?”
“I’ll just have two please,” I said.
“You don’t have to be polite,” she replied.
“Ok, I’ll just have two please, you stupid cow.”
Joke Type: buildup
Buildup jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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The Golf Mulligan
A buddy of mine was in his residency as an ER doctor and his shift was just ending on a Saturday afternoon. As he was trying to walk out the door, he sees this old man in golf clothing dragging his unconscious wife into the ER.
She’s covered in blood from a head wound and my friend immediately starts looking her over right there in the lobby of the emergency room to find her wound.
Trying to remain calm he asks, “What happened here, sir?”
The husband is in a panic and totally exhausted from carrying her dead weight from the parking area, and is just stumbling over his words and rambling all over the place as he tries to explain.
“Well, me and my wife have been married for 35 years and every Saturday morning since our wedding day we’ve played a round of golf together. You see her dad was a local golf pro…”
“Sir, please try to focus here. How did your wife get injured?”
“Sorry. So I play from the men’s tees, she plays from the women’s tees, and she normally drops me off in the cart before heading over to her tee box, and waits for me to hit and then I walk over to her.”
“Sir!” My buddy’s getting frustrated, because he’s really struggling with the wound, there’s a lot of blood, and he’s working frantically at this point.
“I’m explaining it to you, son! So anyways she drops me off like always and I set up for my drive and I thinned it! I never thin it! Never! But, TODAY, I thinned it! Lo and behold that ball had eyes for my dear wife, Agnes’ head. I yell ‘Fore!’ but she wasn’t looking and boom! Straight to the back of her head!”
He just starts weeping at this point, clearly overcome by guilt.
Finally my buddy finds the cause of the bleeding but he’s confused.
“Sir, I actually see two injuries here.”
The old man dries his eyes, instantly gains his composure, and states matter of factly, “Well I had to take a mulligan.”
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A Quick 9 Holes
A guy and his wife had their 27th wedding anniversary last Sunday.
He said, “Honey, I made a reservation at your favorite restaurant, and have an awesome evening planned for the two of us. But would it be alright if I got in a quick 9 holes first?”
She replies, “Of course. Go have some fun!”
He goes to the golf course and decides to have a beer before teeing it up. A very attractive blonde comes up to him at the bar and says, “I’ve had my eye on you for years. Forget golf for today, chug your beer, and we’re going back to my place!”
She’s not going to take no for an answer, drags him back to her house, and screws his brains out!
The man, feeling extremely remorseful, decides that he has to tell his wife about his infidelity, and he returns home.
The GPS shows that his house is right around the corner from where he cheated on his wife, and he realizes that he just slept with his neighbor!
He walks through the door and tells his wife, “Honey, I have to tell you something. I didn’t end up playing golf today. I haven’t been faithful to you, and actually ended up sleeping with Jennifer from two streets away.”
His wife replied, “Bullshit! You rat bastard, you played 18 holes, didn’t you!”
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Just Walk
A group of tourists got turned around on a backroad and spotted an old local sitting by the path. They stopped to ask for directions and how long it would take to get to the train station.
The old man simply pointed toward the horizon.
“Alright, but how long will it take?” one of the tourists asked. “An hour? More?”
“Just walk,” the old man said flatly.
“Yeah, we’re going to walk,” the tourist replied, a bit annoyed. “But we need to know the timeframe. How long will it take us to get there?”
“Just walk,” the old man repeated.
“Look, can you answer a simple question or not?” the tourist snapped, convinced the old man was losing his grip.
Thinking the man was just senile, the group turned around and started walking away. They had only gone about fifty yards when they heard the old man shout after them:
“It’ll take you about an hour and a half!”
The tourists stopped and yelled back, “Why couldn’t you just tell us that in the first place?”
“Because,” the old man yelled, “I had to see how fast you walk!”
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The Moth Exterminator
A man is banging a married woman when suddenly they hear the front door slam. “It’s my husband, hide in the bathroom!” says the woman frantically.
The man runs into the bathroom just as the husband enters the bedroom. “Honey, why are you naked?” he asks.
“I was waiting for you, dear,” she says.
The husband walks into the bathroom and sees a naked man standing there, poking the ceiling with the toilet plunger. “Who the hell are you?” the husband yells.
“The moth exterminator,” says the naked man.
“Why the hell are you naked?” shouts the husband.
The naked man looks down, jumps back in shock, and yells, “Those sneaky little bastards!”
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The Holy Water Fountain
Father Rick has lately gotten news that some of the Sisters had been naughty, and he decided to take action. He gathered the Nuns and made them line up in front of the church’s courtyard fountain of holy water.
“Now sisters. I understand that desire can be strong. But today you wash away your sins. You name your sin and wash it away with the holy water.”
The first nun in line admits to having peeked and stared at a penis, so she washes her eyes with the holy water. The second nun admitted to having touched a penis, so she washes her hand in the holy water…
Then, suddenly, Sister Clarice starts bumping all the other nuns to get to the front of the line.
“Sister, sister, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but everybody will get their turn.”
“Well, I’ll tell you what, Father. If I must gargle this holy water, I’m sure going to do it before Sister Marie dunks her ass in it!”
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Password Rejected
A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘penis.’ Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!
