I convinced my wife to do a sexy role play with me where we pretend to be financial corporations.
She’s Intuit.
Joke Type: comparative
Comparative jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Not a Single Piece of Straight Wood
Happy Pride Month to Home Depot!
There isn’t a single piece of straight wood in that place.
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Absolute Game Changer
I’ve recently switched from eating venison to eating pheasant.
Absolute game changer.
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His Career Is Now in Ruins
I have a friend who quit his job to pursue his dream in archaeology.
His career is now in ruins.
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Perfect for Fixing a Hot Dog
Did you know that if your dog is running a fever, you’re supposed to give them ketchup?
Apparently it’s perfect for fixing a hot dog!
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Putin’s Driver and the Pig
Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.
Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all disheveled.
“What happened to you?” asked Putin.
“Well, the farmer gave me the Horilka, his wife gave me a box of cigars and their 19 year old and 21 year old daughters made mad passionate love to me simultaneously.”
“My God, what did you tell them?” asks Putin.
The driver replies, “I’m president Putin’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”
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The Dog-Friendly Hotel
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, “I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware, or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here too.”
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The Four Seniors and the Christmas Golf Game
Four seniors were playing their weekly game of golf when one remarked how great it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed, go directly to the golf course, and play eighteen holes together.
The others chimed in and said, “Let’s do this! We’ll make it a priority — and each of us must figure out a way to meet here early Christmas morning!”
Several months later, it’s Christmas morning, and each man is at the golf course as promised, ready to play golf just as they’d discussed.
The first guy says, “Boy, this round has cost me a fortune! I had to buy my wife a diamond ring that she really wanted.”
The second guy remarks, “I spent a ton of money too. My wife is at home with travel brochures all over the place, planning a cruise I had to give her.”
The third guy says, “Well, my wife is at home admiring the new car I agreed to buy for her.”
They all turned to the fourth guy, who was staring at them and shaking his head as if they’d all lost their minds.
He said, “I can’t believe you guys spent so much. Let me tell you what I did. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Merry Christmas, babe! It looks like a great morning, so it’s either gonna be the golf course or intercourse?’”
And she said, “You’ll need a sweater, and don’t forget your hat!”
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The Cabbie and the Preacher at the Pearly Gates
A cab driver dies and reaches the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.
Next in line is a preacher.
St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow, and says, “OK, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.”
The preacher is shocked.
“But I am a man of the cloth! You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!”
St. Peter responds matter-of-factly:
“This is Heaven, and up here we’re interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed.”
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The Three Sons-in-Law and the River
A mother-in-law wanted to test which of her three sons-in-law was the nicest.
She pretended to fall into a river while walking with the first son-in-law.
He quickly jumped in and saved her.
The next morning, he found a Chevrolet Malibu with a note: “From your mother-in-law.”
The second son-in-law did the same thing and received a Ford Fusion the next day.
Then came the third son-in-law’s turn.
When the mother-in-law jumped into the river again, he just watched… and walked away.
The next morning, he found a brand-new Cadillac Escalade with a note: “From your father-in-law!”
