Joke Type: crude humor

Crude humor jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Bear Hunting

    Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

    The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or you let me fuck you in the ass.”

    After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob.

    Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

    The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you’ve got two choices — either I maul you to death or you let me fuck you in the ass.”

    Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.

    Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

    The polar bear lets out a huge sigh and says, “Admit it, Bob, you’re not here for the hunting, are you?”

  • Dumb Men Jokes Volume 2

    Why do doctors slap babies’ butts right after they’re born?
    To knock the penises off the smart ones.

    What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
    The man.

    Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
    When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.

    Why are men like commercials?
    You can’t believe a word they say.

    Why are men like blenders?
    You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

    Why are women so bad at mathematics?
    Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

    What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?
    Sex.

    What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
    When the power goes off.

    What do men and women have in common?
    They both distrust men.

    How can you tell the difference between men’s real gifts and their guilt gifts?
    Guilt gifts are nicer.

    What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
    His wife is good at picking out clothes.

    How is a man like the weather?
    Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

    What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
    One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

    What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
    The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

    Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
    What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

    What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
    Slow.

    What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
    They’re married.

    Why don’t men often show their true feelings?
    Because they don’t have any.

    Why do men have a hole in their penis?
    So oxygen can get to their brains.

    What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
    Castrated.

    What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
    Bonds mature.

    What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
    E.T. phoned home.

    Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
    So men can remember them.

  • Cindy Aint Even Reached Puberty Yet

    A father came home and found his 8-year-old boy sitting on the front porch smoking a cigar. He marched up to the lad, removed the cigar from the boy’s mouth and said, “I suppose you’re going to tell me that you’re sitting there smoking that cigar because you just became a father.”

    “Hell no, Dad,” said the boy, “Cindy ain’t even reached puberty yet.”

  • 45 Pounds vs 45 Minutes

    We all know the difference between a girlfriend and a wife is 45 pounds, but…

    Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    A: 45 minutes.

    Q: What is the definition of “making love”?
    A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

    Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
    A: It’s not real bright, but it’s cheap, and spreads easy.

    Q: What’s the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
    A: It took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

    Q: What does a Polish woman do after she sucks a cock?
    A: Spits out the feathers.

    Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme?
    A: Humpme Dumpme.

  • Wouldnt I Wooden Eye

    There was a seaman who had a wooden eye because he was a tight mean bastard who refused to pay for a professionally made eyeball. However he was very sensitive about people making fun of his eyeball. One night after being at sea for several months and being tight with money, he thought he would try his luck at the local pubs for some pussy instead of going with the other guys to proposition some of the local prostitutes.

    He struck pay dirt by meeting a lady with the most marvelous figure. However, instead of her mouth going across her face, it went vertically straight up and down. On arriving back at the woman’s place and making small talk, the lady said she would like him to leave as she wanted her sleep.

    This got the seaman angry as he wanted some pussy and told her she wouldn’t have been any good in bed anyway. She yelled “WOULDN’T I” and the seaman thought she had said wooden eye, and being very sensitive about his eye he retorted “WHO ARE YOU CALLING WOODEN EYE CUNT FACE”.