Topic: sex

Dark sex jokes, adult memes, awkward hookups, bedroom disasters, and the kind of punchlines that should probably clear their browser history afterward.

  • 90-Year-Old at His Check-Up

    A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 90-year-old said things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 23-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?

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    The doctor considered his question for a moment and then began. I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off to go hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.

    He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he would not be able to shoot the magnificent creature but, out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle and went “bang, bang”. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?

    The 90-year-old said, “If you ask me, I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

    The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

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  • Why don’t boxers have sex the night before their match?

    Why don’t boxers have sex the night before their match? Because they hate each other.

  • Superman’s Superspeed Rooftop Encounter

    Superman is flying over Metropolis on a hot summer day, coming home from a mission.

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    Suddenly in the distance he sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on a rooftop, completely nude. Superman thinks: “Man, she is so hot. I can fly down, fuck her with superspeed, and be back home with Lois in a few seconds without anyone noticing.”

    So he speeds down there, does as planned and Wonder Woman only feels a rapid gush of wind and the building shaking.

    “What on earth was that”, she stumbles.

    The Invisible Man replies: “Fuck, I have no idea, but my ass suddenly hurts like hell!”

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  • Viagra in the Coffee

    A New York woman asked her doctor how to bring sex back into her marriage.

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    The doctor said, “Slip a Viagra into his coffee. He’ll never notice.”

    A few days later, she called and said, “Doctor, it was awful!”

    He said, “What happened?”

    She said, “Well, I put it in his coffee, and before I knew it he swept everything off the table, and we went at it like newlyweds!”

    The doctor said, “That doesn’t sound so awful.”

    She said, “Oh, the sex was wonderful but we’re banned from Starbucks!”

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  • Balcony Popsicle Neighbourhood Watch

    The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

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    “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.

    He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

    “An ambulance just drove by!”

    “Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.

    “Matt’s riding a new bike!”

    “Looks like the Sandersons are moving!”

    “Jason is on his skateboard!”

    After a few moments he announced,

    “The Coopers are having sex!!”

    Startled, his mother and father shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,

    “How do you know they’re having sex?”

    “Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”

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  • The Rolls Royce Key Fob Trick

    Two guys are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, “Every time I see you in here you walk out with a different girl. What’s your secret?”

    The first guy replies, “It’s really easy. As soon as I walk into the bar, I casually toss my Rolls Royce keys onto the bar and the gals practically throw themselves at me.”

    The second says, “Wow, you’ve got a Rolls Royce?”

    The first guy replies, “No, I’m just as poor as you. I bought this Rolls Royce key fob on Amazon for $30 and the ladies are none the wiser.”

    So, the other guy goes on Amazon and buys the exact same key fob. He then goes to various bars with no luck whatsoever.

    A few weeks later, he runs into the guy again. He tells him, “Your key fob trick is bogus, I went to at least 20 bars, no lady looked at me twice, please take this bad luck charm off my hands.”

    The first guy says, “Maybe it would work better if you took off your bicycle helmet first!”

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  • Overnight Flight Lavatory

    A man and a woman are on board of the plane of an overnight flight.

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    “Looks like everyone’s asleep, let’s go…”

    Sound of footsteps.

    “There’s a free one right there. No one’s looking, you go in first.”

    “It’s a bit tight… let me sit down. Did you bring a condom? Put it on, quick!”

    Loud heavy breathing.

    “Oh, my god… it’s amazing.”

    A long, drawn-out sigh.

    A hissing sound over the intercom, followed by a voice: “This is the captain speaking. I am addressing the two passengers who have locked themselves in the rear lavatory. We know what you’re doing in there, and it is strictly prohibited by airline regulations. Ditch the cigarettes and take the condom off the smoke detector!”

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  • Maybe If I Fart on Him

    Maybe if I fart on him
    He’ll stop poking me with it

  • 5 Miles in 30 Seconds

    DURING SEX YOU BURN AS MUCH CALORIES AS RUNNING FOR 5 MILES.

    WHO THE FUCK RUNS 5 MILES IN 30 SECONDS?

  • Parents Find S&M Gear in Son’s Room

    A mother and father are digging through their son’s room looking for drugs. The father finds a box full of leather, chains, and S&M magazines.

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    Mother: Oh my god! What do we do?

    Father: Whatever you do, don’t fucking spank him.

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