“Fuck it, one shot of tequila won’t hurt”
3 hours later:
Man Kicked Out Of McDonalds For Putting His Dick In A Burger And Yelling “THIS IS REAL MEAT, YOU FUCKERS!”
Tone: shocking
Shocking humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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I Fucking Loved That Cat
My Chinese neighbours had waffles for breakfast.
Bastards I fucking loved that cat.
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Immune to Yo Momma Jokes
Me, a kid with two gay dads thinking I’m immune to “Yo momma” jokes:
Yo momma so ugly, your dad had to get a husband
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Killing a Huge Mouse at Disneyland
Me: *Kills a huge mouse with a baseball bat*
Everyone else at Disneyland:
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My first girlfriend never stopped counting, so I broke up with her.
My first girlfriend never stopped counting, so I broke up with her.
I wonder what she’s up to?
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It’s a Boy
It was 10 years ago today my best mate James came running out of the room shouting, “It’s a boy!” with tears streaming down his face.
We never went back to Thailand.
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The Teddy Bear Collection
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk, they laugh, and really hit it off.
Before long, they decide to go back to his place.
As he shows her around his apartment, she notices something unusual in his bedroom… an entire wall covered in soft, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three long shelves filled from end to end.
The bottom shelf is lined with small teddy bears.
The middle shelf holds medium-sized bears.
And the top shelf is packed with huge, oversized teddy bears.
She can tell he spent a lot of time arranging them just right.
For such a masculine-looking guy, the display surprises her—but she also finds it sweet and endearing.
She doesn’t say anything, but she’s impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine, talk for hours, and the more they talk, the more she thinks, “Oh my… this man might actually be the one. He could even be the father of my future children.”
They start kissing. The chemistry is strong. Soon he sweeps her into his arms and carries her to the bedroom.
After an intense night of passion, they lie together, catching their breath.
She gently strokes his chest, smiles, and asks softly, “Well… how was it?”
He smiles back, brushes her cheek, looks lovingly into her eyes and says, “Help yourself to any prize… from the middle shelf.”
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The Heart Attack and the Closet
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s up?” he says.
“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“You rotten bastard,” says the husband. “My wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”
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Now This Is a Big Beautiful Penis
At my vasectomy consultation, the doctor said, “Now THIS is a big, beautiful penis!”
Then he pulled his pants back up and told me to get undressed.
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The Unused Christmas Gift
At Christmas, a man just opened presents from his mother-in-law and she asks, “Where’s mine?”
He says, “I didn’t get you anything this year.”
Visibly upset, she asks why.
He says, “You never used what I got you last year.”
She yelled, “IT WAS A BURIAL PLOT!”
