Joke Type: shock value

Shock value jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Ants in Your Pants

    What’s worse than ants in your pants?

    Uncles.

  • A Corvette and a Dead Hooker

    What’s the difference between a Corvette and a dead hooker?

    I don’t have a Corvette in my garage.

  • Dead Baby in a Clown Suit

    What’s funnier than a dead baby?

    A dead baby in a clown suit.

  • The Difference Between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson

    What was the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

    Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, and Michael Jackson fucked kids.

  • Locking Your Keys in Your Car at an Abortion Clinic

    What’s more embarrassing than locking your keys in your car at an abortion clinic?

    Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.

  • Waiting at the Bottom of the Bridge

    A beautiful woman was upset with her life, and about to throw herself off a bridge.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Before she worked up the courage to make that final leap, an obscenely hideous, creepy, stinky homeless chud of a man approached. He got quite near to her and shouted, “WHAT’N THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” She replied, “Get away from me, I’ve had it with this life and I’m going to die while I still have my dignity.” He says, “YOU AUGHTA LET ME BE THE LAST GUY TO FUCK YOU BEFORE YOU DIE.” She recoiled in horror and responded, “There is absolutely no way that will be my last act on this earth, now leave me in peace!” He says, “OKAY LADY, HAVE IT YOUR WAY. I’LL JUST GO WAIT FOR YOU AT THE BOTTOM DOWN THERE.”

  • Iron This

    As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and yells, “If I’m about to die, I want to die feeling like a woman!”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

    A drunk fellow stands up, removes his shirt and says, “HERE, FUCKIN’ IRON THIS!”

  • The Organ Donor

    There once was a very prolific prostitute. She serviced many a John and a Jane over her career.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Her biggest insecurity was always the way her vagina looked. She had rather large pussy lips (labia minora). Occasionally, she would be rejected by a client because of the way her lady bits looked, and she sought the advice of a surgeon.

    “Sure, we can reduce the amount of external flesh and create a more aesthetically appealing area in the process. Just know that the procedure will result in a lengthy healing process,” the doctor said after a thorough examination.

    “Please, doctor. I need this,” the woman said.

    The procedure went very successfully. No complications, sutures in the right places, everything was shaping up to heal quicker than expected.

    When the woman woke up, she had three bouquets next to her bed. The first was a modest six roses and a card. The card read, “To my daughter, I hope your recovery is swift. We may have our differences, but I will always love you. – Mum.”

    The second bouquet was two dozen beautiful roses and also had a card. This card read, “I can’t wait to see that delicious slot when it’s healed. I’ll triple the usual rate to have first crack at it! – #1 John.”

    There was a third bouquet that had a dozen roses, a dozen daffodils, a dozen sunflowers, two dozen lilies, and countless protea blooms. But there was no card accompanying it.

    Her doctor came in to follow up on the surgery and after examining her, she said, “Excuse me, doc? I know who these two gifts came from, but there wasn’t a card for the third. I don’t know who to thank for the gesture. Would you happen to know who sent these?”

    The doctor smiled and looked at his feet, as if slightly embarrassed. “Well, ma’am. When we copied your ID for record keeping, we saw you were an organ donor. Those flowers are from someone on the fourth floor burn ward. They wanted to thank you for their new ears.”