Sexual innuendo jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
A facially clean-shaven man asks his wife to try something naughty in the bedroom.
The horny couple dash upstairs…
“Get undressed and do a headstand by the full-length mirror.”
His wife excitedly complies…
The man rests his chin between her legs and starts umming and arring…
“What are you doing???” she asks, still excited….
“Well, I wanted to see what I looked like with a beard!”
A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have sex with you. I’ll make it very fast. I’ll throw $1,000 on the floor. By the time you bend down to pick it up, I’ll be done.”
She thought about it for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend replied, “Go for it, but ask him for $2,000 instead. Pick up the money as fast as you can—he won’t even have time to undress himself.”
So she agreed.
Half an hour later, the boyfriend called her back.
“What happened?” he asked.
She replied, “That bastard used coins… I’m still picking them up, and he’s still going!”
A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink…
The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.
The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.
The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, “Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”
The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, “You mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?”
The lion exclaims, “Oh my gosh! It’s in the paper already?”
I had my first threesome tonight.
There were two no shows but I had fun.
A husband asked his wife to try a new sex position. She was in an adventurous but shy mood so she agreed but asked if they could do it in the dark.
Following his directions, she got on all fours and was surprised to find herself being entered by both holes at once.
“Oh, that’s actually very nice, but how are you doing it?”
“It’s all in the name my darling. It’s called the Siskel and Ebert.”
“The Siskel and Ebert? What on earth does that mean?”
“Two thumbs up!”
An American man gets married to a British woman…
Before the big night, his father tells him:
“Tonight, I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.
Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation.
And finally I want you to take off your clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation.”
After the big night, the father asks his son, “So how was it?”
Son: “Well, I carried her in my arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.”
Father: “Good!”
Son: “Then I threw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation.”
Father: “Yeah!”
Son: “And then I took off my clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation.”
Father: “Very good! And then what did you do?”
Son: “I jacked off in front of her.”
Father: “What? Why would you do that for?”
Son: “To show her that the US is a free and independent nation!”
A Catholic girl goes into confession and says to the priest, “I’m pregnant.”
He asks, “How did this happen, my child?”
She says, “I think it must be the second coming.”
The priest, shocked by this reply, asks, “What makes you think it is the second coming?”
She replies, “Because I swallowed the first one!”
