Joke Type: story joke

Story joke jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Thats a Hard One

    Three nuns die and all go to Heaven. They are waiting at the pearly gates when St. Peter appears.

    “I will ask each of you one question,” he says. “You must answer correctly the first time, and you will be granted access to Heaven.”

    Of course, they are all nervous, but the first nun steps up.

    “Who was the first man created?” St. Peter asks.

    “Easy, that was Adam,” the nun replies gleefully.

    The gates open, music starts playing, and in she goes.

    “Next,” says St. Peter, turning to the second nun, “who was the first woman created?”

    “Eve, of course!” she replies.

    The gates open, music starts playing, and she enters.

    St. Peter then looks at the third nun and asks, “And what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?”

    The third nun looks puzzled, but she’s determined to get into Heaven. She thinks and thinks, then finally mutters under her breath, “Boy… that’s a hard one.”

    And the gates open, the music starts playing, and she walks into Heaven.

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  • First Class Isnt Going to Sydney

    A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, walks into first class, and sits down.

    The flight attendant sees this and asks to check her ticket. She explains that the passenger paid for economy and will need to return to her seat.

    The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney, and I’m staying right here.”

    The flight attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there’s a blonde passenger in first class who belongs in economy and refuses to move.

    The co-pilot goes back and tries to explain, but the blonde just repeats, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney, and I’m staying right here.”

    Frustrated, the co-pilot tells the pilot they may need to have police waiting when they land.

    The pilot says, “You said she’s blonde? I’ve got this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

    He walks back, leans down, and whispers something in her ear.

    The blonde immediately says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” gets up, and returns to her seat in economy.

    The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed. “What did you say to her?”

    The pilot smiles and says, “I told her first class isn’t going to Sydney.”

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  • Bringing Her Back

    A Florida senior citizen drove his brand-new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

    Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he sped down I-95, pressing the pedal even more.

    Looking in his rearview mirror, he saw a state trooper — blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

    Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out and walked up to the Corvette. He glanced at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding, a reason I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

    The old gentleman paused, then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

    “Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper.

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  • Scaring the Kids

    A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

    “What’s up?” he says.

    “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted is hiding in your wardrobe and he’s got no clothes on!”

    The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

    “You bastard,” says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!”

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  • Ralph the Alligator

    A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says “Sorry sir. You can’t bring that alligator in here! It’s a dangerous animal, and you’re scaring all of the patrons!”

    True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. “But wait!” he cried, “this alligator is tame! It wouldn’t hurt anyone!”.

    However, the bartender is adamant.

    “If”, the man continues, “I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?”.

    “Well, I guess so”, says the bartender, “however, you’re going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that alligator is tame!”

    The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. “Ralph!”, he shouts, “Sit up!”

    With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist “BANG BANG BANG”. And the alligator rears up on its tail.

    “Ralph, open your mouth!” BANG BANG BANG… And the alligator opened its huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth.

    The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligator’s mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps.

    “Ralph! Close your mouth, but DON’T BITE!” BANG BANG BANG… As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowly closes, and stops juuuussttt short of biting the guy’s dick off.

    The crowd sighs, and the man says “Ralph, open your mouth!” BANG BANG BANG! and the alligator’s mouth opens wide again.

    “There,” says the man to the crowd, “now would anyone else like to try this?”

    A blonde in the back says “Yeah, I’ll try, but only if you promise not to hit me on the head so hard.”

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  • The Big Fan

    A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.

    “I’m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I’m starting to get the hang of this.”

    After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn’t radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.

    He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

    When he asked what happened, she said: “I don’t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can’t remember anything after I turned off the big fan.”

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  • Small World

    Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn’t bother to wave the men on through (which is proper golf etiquette).

    After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, “I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”

    He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, “I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”

    The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, “Small world.”

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  • Quintiple My IQ

    There are three guys enjoying a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting them each one wish. Now one of the guys just doesn’t believe it and says, “O.K., if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q.”

    The mermaid says, “Done!”

    Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, “Triple my I.Q.”

    And the mermaid replies, “Done!”

    The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping scientists in various fields. The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid, “Quintiple my I.Q.”

    The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I normally don’t try to change other people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you would reconsider.”

    The guy replies, “No, I want to increase my I.Q. times five and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”

    “Please,” says the mermaid, “You don’t know what you’re asking…it’ll change your entire view of the universe…won’t you ask for something else..a million dollars, anything?”

    But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times its usual power.

    So the mermaid sighed and said, “Done!”

    And with that, he became a woman!

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  • Counting Your Ribs

    Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she charged.

    “You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.”

    The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

    “What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

    “Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

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  • Bet Your Ass Its Not Cheerios

    There are two little brothers, one is seven and the other is four. The seven year old convinces the four year old that they are old enough to swear now. He tells the four year old, “When we go downstairs, I will say, ‘Hell’ and you say ‘ass’.”

    The four year old agrees. When they get downstairs, the mother asks the seven year old, “What do you want for breakfast?”

    Seven year old, “Oh, hell, I’ll just have some Cheerios.”

    Well, mother slaps the crap out of him and sends him to his room.

    Then, she turns to the four year old — “What do you want for breakfast?”

    The four year old is wide-eyed and says, “I’m not sure, but you can bet your ass it’s not going to be Cheerios!”

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