Joke Type: story joke

Story joke jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • But Your Client Didnt

    A defendant was on trial for murder in Philadelphia.

    There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

    In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

    “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”

    He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

    A minute passed. Nothing happened.

    Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

    The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.

    A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

    “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

    Answered the jury foreman: “Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Jumping Table

    A man walked into a small-town antique store looking for a dining table.

    Right away, he spotted the perfect one and asked the owner how much it cost.

    “Two thousand dollars,” the owner said.

    “Two thousand? That’s outrageous!” the man replied.

    “Normally I’d agree,” said the owner, “but this isn’t an ordinary table. It has special powers.”

    “Special powers? Prove it,” the man said.

    The owner leaned over the table and asked, “How many floors are in this building?”

    The table suddenly hopped into the air four times.

    And sure enough, there were four floors.

    The man raised an eyebrow.

    “Alright,” he said, “ask it how much cash I’ve got in my wallet.”

    The owner asked the question.

    The table jumped eleven times.

    “That’s amazing!” the man said. “I’ve got two five-dollar bills and a single. That’s eleven dollars exactly. I’ll take it.”

    He paid the two thousand dollars, and the table was delivered the next day.

    While it was being set up, his buddy stopped by to see the new purchase.

    “It’s not just a table,” the man said proudly. “Watch this.”

    He cleared his throat and asked, “How much money does my wife have in her bank account?”

    The table went wild.

    It started bouncing up and down nonstop.

    Five minutes passed.

    Then ten.

    It was still going.

    The man stared in disbelief.

    “How on earth does she have that much money?” he muttered.

    Suddenly, the table gave one last violent jump.

    Its legs split apart.

    And the drawers dropped straight to the floor.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Lady Leave Me Alone Im Married

    Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

    He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

    He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

    Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, and clean. So’s the rest of the house.

    He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

    So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

    His son is also at the table, eating.

    Bill asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

    His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

    Confused, Bill asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

    His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, ‘Lady leave me alone, I’m married!’”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • While He Drove People Prayed

    A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

    Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, a leather jacket, and jeans.

    Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

    The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

    St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

    The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

    He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years.”

    St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

    “Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!”

    “Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Where Are You Going to Get a Lawyer

    An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer, you’re in the wrong place.”

    So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

    Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

    After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

    One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

    Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

    God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here.”

    Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

    God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

    Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • For the Third Time I Want Chicken

    An elderly lady was concerned about her husband’s hearing.

    It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn’t respond.

    So, the lady went to the doctor to ask his advice.

    The doctor said to her, “When you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move him closer towards you until he responds to your question so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he finally hears you.”

    She thought this was a great idea.

    When she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”

    There was no response.

    She moved 10 feet closer.

    Again she yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”

    No response.

    She moved another 15 feet closer to where she was now practically face to face with her husband.

    She yelled even louder this time, “HERBERT, what do you want for dinner?”

    Herbert yelled back at her, “For the THIRD time, I want chicken!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • I Remembered Where I Left My Bike

    A young assistant pastor went to the head preacher and said, “Pastor, I’ve got a bit of a situation. My bike’s been stolen.”

    “I just moved to this small town and don’t want to start off by calling the police. If I knew who took it, I’d quietly ask for it back, but half the folks in church love a good prank and I don’t want to accuse the wrong one.”

    The preacher smiled and said, “This Sunday, preach on the Ten Commandments.”

    “When you get to ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ scan the pews and watch for a guilty face. After the service, have a friendly chat with whoever looks nervous.”

    That afternoon, the preacher saw the young pastor riding his bike down Main Street. He waved him over and said, “Well, I see you got it back!”

    “Did my advice do the trick? Was it hard convincing the guilty party?”

    The young pastor shook his head and laughed. “No sir, didn’t need to.”

    “I was halfway through the Ten Commandments, but when I got to ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ I suddenly remembered where I left my bike!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • To Get More Chalk

    Mike told Sarah he had the strangest dream last night.

    She asked what happened.

    He said he died and was walking up this huge staircase to heaven.

    She replied, “Okay… that’s already intense.”

    He continued that at the bottom they handed him a piece of chalk.

    Sarah asked, “Chalk? For what?”

    Mike explained they said, “Mark a step for every sin you’ve committed.”

    She said, “Wow… that’s terrifying.”

    He replied, “Yeah… I only got a few steps up…”

    She asked, “And then?”

    Mike said, “Then I saw you… running down the stairs.”

    Sarah exclaimed, “WHAT?! Why was I going down?!”

    Mike answered, “…to get more chalk.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Hold Her Im Going Back for Yours

    A husband sits in a cab and sees his wife entering Trump Tower with another man and tells the driver, “Do you want to earn a 1,000 bucks right away?”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The driver says, “Ok, what do I need to do?”

    “My wife just went in there with another man, bring her to me by the hair, let me show you a picture of her.”

    After a while the driver is seen dragging a woman by the hair, while she’s kicking and screaming. He opens the door and puts her in the cab.

    The husband says to him, “This is not my wife.”

    The driver replied, “I know, this one’s mine, hold her, now I’m going back for yours.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Pastor Under the Bed

    A young doctor moves to a small community to replace an older doctor who is retiring.

    The older doctor suggests that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds so the community can get used to the new doctor.

    At the first house, a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”

    The older doctor says, “You’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on how much you’re eating and see if that helps.”

    As they leave, the younger doctor says, “You didn’t even examine her! How did you come to that diagnosis so quickly?”

    “Ah,” the older doctor replies. “You noticed I dropped my stethoscope? When I bent down to pick it up, I saw a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That’s probably what’s been making her sick.”

    “Pretty clever,” the younger doctor says. “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

    At the next stop, they visit a younger woman who says she’s been feeling terribly run-down and just doesn’t have the energy she used to.

    The young doctor nods and says, “You’ve probably been doing too much for the church. You should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

    As they leave, the older doctor says, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is probably right, she’s very active in the church. But how did you arrive at it?”

    “I did what you did,” the young doctor says. “I dropped my stethoscope, and when I bent down to pick it up, I noticed the pastor under the bed.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail