Joke Type: story joke

Story joke jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Tides Coming In

    A man with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    A beautiful woman walks by. She sees him, takes pity on him and says, “You poor thing. Have you ever been held by a woman?”

    “No,” he says sadly.

    She kneels down and embraces him. Then she gets up and walks on.

    Some time later, another even more beautiful woman walks by. She sees him, takes pity on him and says, “You poor man. Have you ever been kissed?”

    “No,” he sighs.

    She leans down and kisses him. Then she walks on.

    A while after that, a third woman appears. She’s even more beautiful than the first two. She sees the limbless man lying there, looks at him and says, “Have you ever been fucked?”

    “No, I haven’t.”

    “Well you are now, the tide’s coming in!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Urine Test Results

    A man comes to the hospital and says his elbow hurts.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The doctor tells him to take a urine test.

    The man gets annoyed: “Doctor, why a urine test? My elbow hurts!”

    The doctor replies: “You came here for treatment. If I said take the test, then take the test and stop arguing.”

    The man goes home furious. Out of spite, he mixes together urine from his wife, daughter, mother-in-law, and cat, adds some water from the heating radiator, and even pours in some brake fluid from his car. Then he takes the whole mixture to the lab.

    The next day he comes back for the results.

    The doctor says: “Well, your cat is perfectly healthy, so no need to worry about her. Your heating system is fine too — no repairs needed anytime soon.

    Your mother-in-law is developing a serious illness. She’ll need surgery, expensive and only available abroad.

    Don’t worry about your daughter — her young, strong body, despite being thirteen, has successfully formed a fetus. It’s twins.

    As for your wife — she’s had syphilis for about six months, and because of that she’s not sleeping with you. So you go jerk off in the bathroom, it’s cramped in there, you keep banging your elbow against the wall — that’s why your elbow hurts.”

    The man stands up, completely stunned, and walks away.

    The doctor shouts after him:

    “And change your brake fluid while you’re at it — your left rear brake cylinder is leaking too!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • I Cant Do That

    Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup. As he is being looked over, the doctor asks about his stuttering. After considerable effort, he was able to tell the doctor that it started shortly after reaching puberty. The doctor asks him to drop his pants and underwear, at which point he sees the patient has an exceptionally large member. The doctor picks it up and asks the man if he feels any better. The patient clearly replies with no stutter that he feels great. The doctor tells him the weight is putting stress on his diaphragm, making it hard to move air in and out of his lungs, causing the stutter. The doctor says he can correct the problem but will have to replace his manhood with a smaller but still functional penis. The guy agrees to have it done because he is tired of the looks and insults he gets from strangers.

    A couple days later he storms into the doctor’s office and, with perfect diction, asks the doctor to give back his old penis or his girlfriend will leave him.

    The doctor replies, “I-I-I-I’m s-s-s-so sorry. I-I-I c-c-ca-can-can’t do that.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • It Fall Off by Itself

    A guy develops a really bad infection on his penis. Like, seriously bad. He goes to multiple doctors, even the expensive ones, and they all tell him the same thing: it has to be amputated or the infection could spread and kill him. Eventually, he gives up and accepts his fate. Surgery is scheduled.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Then his cousin hears about it and says, “Wait, before you do that, you should try this famous oriental doctor. People swear by him.” Out of desperation, the guy goes.

    He explains, “Doc, I’ve seen a lot of western doctors already. They all say it needs to be cut off before the infection spreads.”

    The doctor nods, tells him to take off his pants, and starts examining everything very carefully. Feeling, pressing, lifting… full inspection.

    After a while, the doctor smiles and says, “Good news!”

    The guy lights up. “Really? So you don’t need to cut it off?”

    The doctor waves his hand and says, “No, no. We are not like western doctors. They always cut, cut, cut… then charge, charge, charge!”

    The guy is relieved. “So I’m safe?”

    The doctor nods confidently. “Yes. No need to cut.”

    The guy almost cries from happiness. “Thank you, Doc! So what’s the treatment?”

    The doctor shrugs and says, “We wait two weeks.”

    The guy pauses. “And then?”

    The doctor smiles. “It fall off by itself.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Not Good Enough For Her Family

    On his honeymoon, a redneck is about to make love when his wife asks, “Wait, honey, I have to tell you something. I’m a virgin.”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “WHAT THE HELL?” the man shouts and punches her in the face, knocking her to the ground.

    He wraps her in a sheet, drags her up the stairs, and leads her out the door. He throws her in the back of his pickup truck and drives to her father’s house, where he throws her out in the yard.

    Then the man drives to his father’s house, goes inside and hides.

    The father sees his son and says, “What the hell are you doing here, boy? Shouldn’t you be with your new wife?”

    “Well, Pa,” the son says, “I was, but she told me she’s still a virgin.”

    “Oh, holy shit,” Dad says. “What did you do then?”

    “I punched her in the face and knocked her out, wrapped her in a sheet, dragged her down the stairs, threw her out the door, threw her in the back of my pickup, then drove to her dad’s house and dumped her on the lawn.”

    Dad starts laughing and, patting his son on the back, says, “Good job, son. If she’s not good enough for her family, then I say she’s not good enough for ours either.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • You Forgot Your Wheelchair

    A guy is having some drinks in a bar. He is having a good time so he keeps the beers coming. At some point he realizes it is getting late and the missus might get angry for him being drunk. So he wants to get off his bar stool to go home but falls flat on his face. He climbs back up, orders a coffee to sober up a little and waits 5 minutes before he tries to go home again. But, again he falls down. He must be pretty drunk. But he does not want to get in any more trouble so he crawls home. Silently undresses and slips into bed. The wife does not notice so he is happy he got away with this.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    However, the next morning his wife starts yelling at him and is extremely pissed. “You were drinking again and got very drunk!” He asks why she thinks that.

    “The bartender called — you forgot your wheelchair!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Rollerblades in Heaven

    Three guys die in a car crash and are standing at heaven’s gates to get in.

    The first guy walks up to the gates. The angel says, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?” He replies, “I’ve never cheated on my wife.” The angel says, “Here are the keys to your Mercedes-Benz. Take them, drive through the gate, and have everlasting happiness.”

    The second guy walks up to the gates. The angel says, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?” He replies, “Two, maybe three times.” The angel says, “Here are the keys to your Honda Civic. Take them, drive through the gates, and have everlasting happiness.”

    The third guy walks up to the gates. The angel says, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?” He says, “Oh God, I have no clue, I can’t remember.” The angel says, “Here are the keys to your Ford Pinto. Take them, drive through the gates, and have everlasting happiness.”

    Later on, the second and the third guy come across the first guy who never cheated on his wife. And he’s sitting on the hood of his car crying. They said, “What’s wrong? You have a beautiful car, you’re in heaven, and you have everlasting happiness. Why are you crying?”

    He replied, “I just saw my wife go by on a pair of rollerblades.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • I Never Got This Far Before

    One bright and cheery Saturday morning, a man hears a knock at his front door and answers it.

    The stranger says, “Hello. I’m a Jehovah’s Witness, and I am here to enlighten you with some inspirational religious stories.”

    After a quick thought, the homeowner says, “Well, come on in.” He takes the stranger to the living room. “Please have a seat and let me bring you a cup of coffee.”

    Upon returning with a freshly brewed cup, he says to the stranger, “Now, what about these stories you have to enlighten me with?”

    The Jehovah’s Witness says, “Fuck if I know. I never got this far before.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • I Train SEALs Not Dolphins

    An older gentleman had his car stopped at a red light when a young rich asshole hit him with his Impala. Though the impact barely made a dent in either car, when both drivers went out to assess the damage, the asshole went ballistic.

    “Look what you did to my Impala! It’s ruined! I’m gonna sue you! You owe me a new car.”

    The older gentleman looked genuinely remorseful. “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t think I can afford to replace an Impala.”

    “Then I’m gonna beat your ass right here!” the asshole retorted.

    The older gentleman looked at the asshole. “I have a better idea. My son is visiting for the holidays, he’s in the passenger seat of my car. You two can fight it out, since I clearly would be no match for you in a physical fight. If you win, I’ll gladly pay for a new Impala, but if he wins, you knock off this nonsense.”

    “What does your son do for a living?” the asshole asked.

    “He trains dolphins.”

    The asshole laughed. “Trains dolphins? Easy fight. OK, call your son here.”

    The older gentleman called for his son. A minute later, a tall, extremely muscular young man in a Navy uniform steps out and proceeds to beat the asshole into pudding in ten seconds. The son then looks at his father and says:

    “Pop, I keep telling you, I train SEALs, not dolphins.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Im Just Chewing Some Gum

    Terribly overweight, Don LaJoie went to the doctor and begged him to be put on a diet. The doctor suggested several, but Lajoie rejected them all, insisting that he had no willpower.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Considering the problem, the doctor said, “There is one thing we can try. It’s an experimental diet in which the jaw is wired shut and nourishment is provided through the rectum. Since the rectal walls can only absorb small amounts of food at a time, you will lose weight quickly.”

    LaJoie agreed to try the diet. Three weeks later, he returned for his checkup and, much to the doctor’s delight, the formerly obese man was now quite slender. He also had a remarkable bounce to his step.

    The physician removed the wire from LaJoie’s jaw and the man sat down. Much to the doctor’s surprise, his patient continued to bounce up and down on the seat.

    “So how do you feel?” the doctor asked.

    “Marvelous! Never better.”

    “Then tell me, why are you bouncing up and down like that?”

    “Oh,” says LaJoie, “I’m just chewing some gum.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail