Joke Type: story joke

Story joke jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Cup Holder on My PC Is Broken

    Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”

    Tech Rep: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”

    Tech Rep: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”

    Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”

    Tech Rep: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”

    Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it.”

    At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off in the drive. Oops!

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  • You’d Be Smiling

    A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I can pee farther than anyone else.”

    “Yeah,” the bartender says.

    “Sure, and I can pee right on the spot from seventy-five feet away,” the guy says.

    “Yeah right,” the bartender says.

    “It’s true. In fact, I’ll bet you a hundred dollars that I can pee right into a beer bottle seventy-five feet away and not spill a drop,” the guy says.

    “Go ahead,” the bartender says, smiling at the chance to make some easy money.

    So a beer bottle is placed on the floor seventy-five feet away. Then the guy whips out his dick and starts peeing. He pees on the wall, he pees on the floor, he pees on the ceiling and bar, he even pees on the bartender. He pees everywhere EXCEPT in the bottle.

    The bartender starts smiling and tells the guy to pay up. The guy goes into another room, comes out a few minutes later with a big grin on his face and pays the bartender. The bartender then says to the guy, “Why are you so happy, you just lost a hundred bucks?”

    Then the guy says, “Well, I just bet the guys in the other room a thousand bucks that I could pee all over your bar and not only would you not mind, but you’d be smiling.”

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  • Now We’re Gonna Have to Piss in the Boat

    Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for six days, they ran out of food and water.

    On the tenth day, bleary-eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in).

    They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. “POOF!” out popped a tired old genie who said, “OK, so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I’ve been doing this three-wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I’m burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I’m outta here. Make it a good one.”

    The first guy, without hesitation or thought, blurted out, “Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!”

    “Fine,” said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.

    “Great move, Einstein!” said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. “Now we’re gonna have to piss in the boat!”

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  • Only Fifty Cents

    A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, “Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!”

    The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.

    The bartender says, “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.”

    The cowboy replies, “Well, you’d drink that fast too if you had what I have.”

    The bartender says, “Oh dear! What is it? What do you have?”

    “I have… only fifty cents!”

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  • Jesus Christ! Are You Here Again?

    A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes by and asks him if he’s all right.

    The drunk replies by asking, “Do you know who I am?”

    The stranger says, “No. Who are you?”

    The drunk proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ… and I can prove it! Come with me!”

    They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells, “Jesus Christ! Are you here again?”

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  • You Got Any Toilet Paper on Your Side?

    A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

    A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.

    Finally he asked, “May I help you, my son?”

    “I dunno,” came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any toilet paper on your side?”

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  • Beat the Shit Out of a Ghost

    An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

    Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

    As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, “What the hell happened?”

    Still staring down, the drunk replied, “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!”

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  • The Designated Decoy

    A group of friends got together and went to a bar for happy hour. Little did they realize that a cop was around the corner just waitin’ for some poor, inebriated soul to attempt to operate a motor vehicle. Sure enough, about two hours later, a fella came out and headed for his car.

    Of course, not in a straight line. No no no. This man could hardly stand, much less walk. He stopped to have a conversation with a telephone pole. He smoothed his hair while looking at himself in a stop sign. He even lit his Bic pen and had a smoke during his escapade. The cop waited patiently for this guy to get behind the wheel and start driving. The man dropped his keys several times, and even had to sit down and take a short break.

    Meanwhile, the group of friends headed out to their cars and drove away. The cop waited. Finally, the moment of truth. The man finally managed to start his car and begin driving. Immediately, the officer turned on his lights and pulled the unfortunate patron over. A sobriety test ensued. The man passed every test with flying colors!

    The policeman administered the breathalyzer, and the result was 0.0. The cop was quite pissed. “I don’t understand it. A while ago you could hardly stay conscious, and now this?” exclaimed the cop. “What’s the story?”

    The man replied smugly, “My friends and I are very responsible when it comes to drinking. Today was my turn to be the designated decoy.”

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  • Need a Drink?

    A couple of drinkin’ buddies who are airplane mechanics are out at SFO and it’s fogged in and they have nothing to do. And one of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”

    “Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel — that’ll kinda give you a buzz.”

    So they do, and they get smashed and have a beautiful time, like only drinkin’ buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up and just knows his head is going to explode when he gets up. He knows it. It doesn’t. He gets up, it feels good — in fact he feels great. NO hangover!

    The phone rings. It’s his buddy.

    The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?”

    And he says, “I feel great!”

    And the buddy says, “I feel great too! You don’t have a hangover?”

    And he says, “No — that jet fuel is great stuff — no hangover — we ought to do this more often.”

    And he goes, “Yeah, we could. There’s just one thing…”

    He says, “What’s that?”

    And he says, “Did you fart yet?”

    “What??”

    “Did you fart yet??”

    “No…”

    And the buddy says, “Well, don’t, ’cause I’m in Phoenix!”

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  • It’s Friday

    Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

    “Aye, so I have. ’Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called ‘Happy Hour’ and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness — couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later…”

    And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

    The officer sighed and said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.”

    Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Don’t ye believe me?!?”

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