Story joke jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
An old Jewish man dies and is waiting in line at the pearly gates.
The line is very long. He says out loud, “Oy, what’s with the holdup? The last time I was in a line this long, it was at Auschwitz. And at least then there was the promise of a shower at the end!”
God appears from the clouds and says, “I do not like that joke.”
The man shrugs and says, “Oy, I guess you just had to be there.”
A man in his late seventies has a wife fifty years younger than him. Every year he goes to his doctor for an body check. One year, he tells his doctor “Hey doc! Look at my wife! Isn’t she pretty? Guess what? I got her pregnant!”
Upon hearing that, the serious doctor looked up from his clipboard. He replied, “You remind me of my friend John, when he was hunting in Africa. He was aiming at a zebra when a leopard starting chasing him. John wanted to grab his rifle, but soon realized that he didn’t have it in his pouch! But the leopard was already a couple meters away from him… so John acted like his fingers were guns… and shouted BAM! BAM! BAM! very loudly… and to John’s surprise… the leopard collapsed… and died!”
The old man replied, “That’s nonsense! Someone else must’ve done it!”
The doctor, with a sly smile on his face, simply responded, “I think so too.”
A blond woman and her boyfriend go to a comedy club to see a ventriloquist. Midway through the show, the comedian starts setting his dummy up for a whole bunch of blond jokes. The woman laughs along at first, but eventually it’s too much for her to take.
“Hey! It was funny for a while but that’s enough! I’m blond, and I don’t like people assuming I’m dumb! It’s not fair!”
The comedian, taken aback, says, “You know what? You’re right. I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying….” She cut him off.
“I wasn’t talking to YOU!”
Two hunters were out in the woods when one of them suddenly collapsed.
The other grabbed his phone, called emergency services, and yelled, “Help! We were out hunting, and I think my buddy’s dead! What do I do?!”
The operator said calmly, “All right, sir. First, make sure he’s dead.”
There was a pause… then two gunshots.
The hunter came back on the line and said, “Okay — now what?”
A wealthy man commissioned an artist to paint a mural depicting General Custer’s last words at the Battle of the Little Bighorn. He told the artist he’d have complete creative freedom on how to present the scene.
Weeks passed, and finally the day came for the man to see the finished mural. He entered the room, full of expectation — and stopped dead in his tracks.
The mural showed a large blue fish with a halo, floating above a horde of Native Americans engaged in wild sex on a hillside below.
“What the hell is this?” the man shouted. “That’s not what I asked for!”
“Oh, but it is,” said the artist. “It captures the true last words of General Custer. I figured they were: ‘Holy mackerel, look at all those fucking Indians!”
An artist needed glasses, but like many artists, she didn’t have health insurance.
An ophthalmologist who admired her work offered a deal: he’d cover the cost of everything except the office visit if she’d paint a mural in his waiting room.
Two weeks later, the artist had her new glasses and spent the weekend painting the mural. On Monday, the doctor and his staff arrived, eager to see what she’d created.
The artist proudly ushered them in. Every wall was covered with eyes — some open, some closed, some long-lashed, in shades of brown, blue, green, and hazel. One even had a single teardrop.
“So,” asked the artist, “what do you think?”
The doctor paused, looked around the room, and said, “I think I’m glad I’m not a gynecologist.”
My last girlfriend demanded to be treated as a princess.
Boy was she mad when I married her off to secure an alliance with France.
I went to get a haircut the other day, and the barber kept asking me the same question over and over. As he’s cutting my hair, he says, “So, how’s your mother-in-law doing?”
I shrugged and said, “She’s fine.”
Five minutes later, he asks again, “So, how’s your mother-in-law?”
Now I’m getting annoyed, but I answer, “I told you, she’s fine.”
A few minutes after that, he asks yet again, “So, how is your mother-in-law doing?”
I finally snap: “Dude, I already told you twice—she’s fine! Why do you keep asking about my mother-in-law?”
He chuckles and says, “Oh, don’t worry, it’s not because I actually care. Every time I mention your mother-in-law, your hair stands straight up… and it makes it a lot easier for me to cut it!”
A wedding photographer was today tragically crushed by a 200lb wheel of cheese that fell off the catering truck.
The guests all tried to warn him.
Jimmy and Johnny attend a square dance during the depression. Johnny an otherwise handsome young man had lost an eye in a farming accident. Johnny’s father not having the money to purchase a glass eye, carved a prosthetic eye from wood. Johnny was quite self conscious because of his missing eye.
Soon after arriving at the dance, Johnny tells Jimmy he believes no girl will dance with him. Jimmy tells him he just has to pick the right girl, and suggests Betty who has a harelip but is a very nice girl, whom has never been asked to dance.
Johnny builds his courage, approaches Betty, and asks, “Betty, wouldn’t you like to dance?”
Betty delighted to finally have been asked exclaims, “Wouldn’t I, Wouldn’t I?”
Johnny shoves Betty aside and shouts, “Harelip, harelip, harelip!”.
