Meh Thoughts: Dark Shower Thoughts & One-Liners

[Me flirting] So… is there a Mr. Fucktard

[Me flirting] So… is there a Mr. Fucktard?

I’ve championed a lot of great Twitter accounts with only a few followers and watched as they grew and surpassed my own, some by thousands. Assholes.

(R.M. Weiner) “Gimme a pack of boners.” -me, talking to my doctor about Cialis

Aluminum foil is a poor stand-in for wiping your ass, but sometimes a change is nice.

Settle an argument: When a friend breaks her arm, it’s the other friend’s responsibility to draw a giant penis and balls on the cast, right?

“I don’t wanna sound like a dick, buuuut…” is how I begin 94% of my conversations.

These funeral ushers are not fucking around with the one free balloon per mourner limit.

Why do they call them potholes, man? You can’t blame bud for that shit. *massive bong rip*

Fuck it: Mouses, deers, fishes, gooses. There, I did it. It’s about time someone did.