Tone: crude humor

Crude humor humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Penny in Sunday School

    Penny was never the best Sunday school student. She was always falling asleep in class and getting into trouble.

    “Penny,” the Sunday school teacher asked, one dozing day. “Who created the universe?”

    When she didn’t stir, Mark, who sat behind her, poked her in the rear with his pencil.

    “God Almighty!” shouted Penny, and the teacher said, “Very good.”

    A while later the teacher asked, “Penny, who is our savior?” But again Penny didn’t stir from her slumber.

    Mark poked her again with his pencil. “JESUS Christ!” exclaimed Penny.

    “Very well done,” said the teacher, impressed by her enthusiasm.

    Then after she fell asleep again the teacher asked her a third question: “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty third child?” and again, Mark jabbed her with the pencil.

    This time Penny jumped up and shouted, “I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!”

    The teacher fainted.

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  • Calling Crisco in the Supermarket

    A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, “Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!”

    Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, “Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.”

    The old guy replies, “Oh, I’m not looking for the cooking stuff. I’m calling my wife. She’s in here somewhere.”

    The clerk is astonished.

    “Your wife’s name is Crisco?”

    The old guy answers, “Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we’re out in public.”

    “I see,” said the clerk. “What do you call her at home?”

    “Lard ass.”

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  • Little Johnny Uses a Big Word

    Little Johnny was asked to use the word “obituary” in a sentence by the teacher…

    So Johnny thought for a second and then said, “Oh bitch, you worry about me finishing my homework too much!”

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  • A Stop on the Bridge

    Two plump women were leaving a bar after a night of some heavy drinking. The full moon shone in a cloudless sky. They had gone a few blocks and were about to cross a small bridge when one of them said she needed to take a dump.

    “It’s only a few more blocks, you can hold it,” the other replied.

    “No I can’t, if I don’t go now I will shit my panties,” said the first.

    “Well there isn’t anywhere with privacy but you know if you hop up on the railing and hang your ass over you can go in the water and anyone coming by will just think we’re sitting talking,” suggested the second.

    “That sounds good, help me up,” replied the first.

    She pulled down her panties, hiked up her dress and climbed up hanging her butt over the railing.

    Her friend leaned over the side, staring down at the water and started laughing.

    “Oh my God, Mary,” she howled, “you just shit on a guy in a canoe.”

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  • Did You Call for Me

    A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A nice looking redhead walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?” The man replies, “No, what do you mean?” She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

    The man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts and within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him and says, “Did you call for me?” The newcomer replies, “No, what do you mean?” The hairy man replies, “You must be new. It’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins the newcomer around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

    The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist and she says, “May I help you?” The man yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee!” She replies, “But Sir, you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.” The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m an older guy. I only get an erection once a month and I fart 35 times a day.”

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  • Oral Sex Aint Much Fun

    A hillbilly couple is lying in bed.

    Otis turns to his wife and says, “Fuck you.”

    A minute goes by and then Rita Mae turns to Otis and says, “Fuck you.”

    Another couple of minutes pass and Otis says, “Fuck you” again to his wife.

    This back and forth goes on for a bit longer when Otis finally turns to his wife and says, “You know, oral sex ain’t much fun.”

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  • No Fuck No Ride

    A truck driver and his pet parrot were hauling a load of chickens. He stopped to pick up an attractive hitchhiker, swung the door open and asked, “You want a lift?”

    “Yes, thank you!” she said and started to climb in when the parrot exclaimed, “Wanna fuck?”

    “No!” she answered and the parrot screeched, “No fuck no ride!” and fluttered like crazy, scaring the hitchhiker off.

    The truck driver was appalled and told the parrot he should be ashamed of himself and not to let it happen again. The parrot squawked his call of agreement and nodded his head.

    Further down the road they happened upon another hitchhiker – this time a musician with a guitar on his back.

    The trucker stopped, swung the door open and said, “Howdy, stranger! That sure is a nice guitar. Need a lift?”

    “Sure do, thanks, mister,” he answered but once again the parrot screeched, “Wanna fuck? No fuck no ride!” and the trucker sped off, embarrassed and furious at his parrot.

    “Damn it, bird! What did I say about this earlier? If you pull that stunt one more time I’m gonna throw you in the back with the chickens!” The parrot squawked, “All right, all right, not again.”

    Several miles down the road they saw another hitchhiker and the trucker gave the parrot a stern look but the parrot did the same thing all over again and the trucker had finally had enough.

    He threw the parrot in the back with the chickens, convinced the hitchhiker it was all a misunderstanding and to accept his offer for a ride and had a pleasant conversation as they headed down the road.

    Just before they reached the next town the trucker noticed a police car, lights on and siren wailing, pulling up beside him and ordering him to pull over.

    “What seems to be the problem, officer?” the trucker asked. “I wasn’t speeding, I have all my numbers and my load is secure.”

    The trooper yelled, “Secure load? You have a 12-mile trail of chickens being chucked out the back by a parrot yelling ‘No Fuck, No Ride!’”

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  • A Free and Independent Nation

    An American man gets married to a British woman…

    Before the big night, his father tells him:

    “Tonight, I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.

    Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation.

    And finally I want you to take off your clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation.”

    After the big night, the father asks his son, “So how was it?”

    Son: “Well, I carried her in my arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.”

    Father: “Good!”

    Son: “Then I threw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation.”

    Father: “Yeah!”

    Son: “And then I took off my clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation.”

    Father: “Very good! And then what did you do?”

    Son: “I jacked off in front of her.”

    Father: “What? Why would you do that for?”

    Son: “To show her that the US is a free and independent nation!”

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  • Fart Football

    An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, “Seven points.”

    His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?” The old man replied, “It’s fart football.”

    A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”

    After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.”

    Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”

    Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.” Now the pressure is on for the old man.

    He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

    Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

    The wife says, “What the hell was that?”

    The old man says, “Half time, switch sides.”

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  • Cleaning Up With Change

    A hunter from the East goes hunting out West in Wyoming.

    He hires a guide and the next day they get up bright and early and begin their adventure. At some point the hunter has to use a commode.

    He says to his guide, “Man, I really have to use the restroom. Where is it?”

    The guide cracks up laughing. “Are you serious? We’re in the middle of Wyoming and you’re asking where the restroom is?”

    “Well it’s kinda an emergency,” the hunter says.

    The guide says, “You just hang your ass over that log over there. We’re roughing it today, Sport!”

    So the hunter does his business but realizes there is no toilet paper, so he asks his guide, “What do I use to clean up with?”

    The guide says, “You got a dollar?”

    The hunter says, “I do.”

    The guide says, “Just use that!”

    The hunter comes back with poop all over himself. He was a disgusting mess.

    The guide says, “What the hell, man. What happened to you?”

    The hunter says, “You try cleaning yourself up with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel!”

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