Last week, my girlfriend’s dog died. So to cheer her up I bought her an identical one. She was livid.
Yelled at me, “What the fuck am I going to do with two dead dogs?”
Tone: crude humor
Crude humor humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Your Dad Was Better at It
Growing up, my mom would never hit me or my brother.
When I asked her why, she said, “Because your dad was better at it.”
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The Farmer’s New Cock
A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmer’s 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock screws all 150 hens again.
The next day it’s fucking the ducks and geese too. Later he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead with vultures circling overhead.
The farmer says, “You deserved it, you horny bastard!” The cock opens one eye, points up, and says, “Shhhhhh. They’re about to land!!”
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The Ex-Wife and the Coffee Catch-Up
A man bumps into his ex-wife after not talking for many years, and they decide to grab a coffee together and catch up.
“So,” says the man, “I heard you got remarried.”
“That’s right,” she says.
The man smirks. “And how does he like your sorry excuse for cooking?”
“Oh, he likes it just fine,” she says.
“And how does he like your god-awful blowjobs?”
“Oh, he likes them just fine,” she says.
“Yeah? And how does he like that tired, worn-out old pussy?”
“Oh, he likes it just fine,” she says. “Once he gets past the tired, worn-out part.”
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Little Johnny and the Substitute Teacher
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.
She says, “Hello class. I’m Miss Prussy. When you say my name, remember it has an ‘R’ after the first letter.”
The entire class says, “Hello, Miss Prussy!”
A few days later, Johnny’s regular teacher is out again, and Miss Prussy has returned as the substitute.
She says, “Good morning, Johnny. Do you remember my name?”
Johnny thinks hard, and he says to the teacher, “I remember it has an ‘R’ after the first letter.”
“That’s right!” she coaxed.
After a few seconds, little Johnny says, “Miss Crunt?”
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The Boss and the Thousand Dollars
A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have sex with you. I’ll make it very fast. I’ll throw $1,000 on the floor. By the time you bend down to pick it up, I’ll be done.”
She thought about it for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend replied, “Go for it, but ask him for $2,000 instead. Pick up the money as fast as you can—he won’t even have time to undress himself.”
So she agreed.
Half an hour later, the boyfriend called her back.
“What happened?” he asked.
She replied, “That bastard used coins… I’m still picking them up, and he’s still going!”
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The Woman and the Discharge
A woman went to the doctor and said, “I’m getting too much discharge.”
The doctor said, “Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed.”
He put on his latex gloves and slipped 2 fingers into her vagina.
“How does that feel?” he asked.
“Fucking lovely,” she replied. “But the discharge is in my ear.”
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The Gorilla and the Lion at the Safari Camp
A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink…
The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.
The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.
The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, “Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”
The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, “You mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?”
The lion exclaims, “Oh my gosh! It’s in the paper already?”
