My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent…
So, I woke him up at 2am to tell him my sock fell off and then again at 4 to tell him I needed to pee.
Tone: darkly humorous
Darkly humorous humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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She Wouldnt Be Able To Shes Left-Handed
A young married couple are taking a nice stroll down a long and rather winding road. There was a long way till they got home and there was plenty of time to have a long drawn-out conversation, so the wife decided to ask her husband a question she had on her mind for a long time:
Wife: “If I died, would you remarry?”
Husband: “No, I love you too much to get married to a different woman.”
Wife: “But you love being married, don’t you? So honestly. You’d get remarried wouldn’t you?”
Husband: “Yeah, I guess I would get remarried eventually.”
Wife: “Would you and your new wife live in our house?”
Husband: “Yeah, where else would we live?”
Wife: “Would you take down all the pictures of me and you together?”
Husband: “Yeah, it would be very discourteous to her not to. I’d still keep the ones of me and you in my private drawer.”
Wife: “Would you two sleep in our bedroom?”
Husband: “Yeah, where else would we sleep?”
Wife: “Would she use my golf clubs?”
Husband: “No, she wouldn’t be able to, she’s left-handed!”
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Hold Her Im Going Back for Yours
A husband sits in a cab and sees his wife entering Trump Tower with another man and tells the driver, “Do you want to earn a 1,000 bucks right away?”
The driver says, “Ok, what do I need to do?”
“My wife just went in there with another man, bring her to me by the hair, let me show you a picture of her.”
After a while the driver is seen dragging a woman by the hair, while she’s kicking and screaming. He opens the door and puts her in the cab.
The husband says to him, “This is not my wife.”
The driver replied, “I know, this one’s mine, hold her, now I’m going back for yours.”
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Blows It Back Up Again
One night, a little boy walked into his parents room after he’d woken from a nightmare.
When he opened the door, he saw his mother bouncing up and down on his father’s lap.
Confused, he quickly closed the door and went back to bed.
The next morning at breakfast after his father had left for work, the little boy asked his mother why she was bouncing on his dad last night.
A bit embarrassed and taken off guard, mum thought for a moment before answering, “Well, you know how daddy has a big belly? Sometimes I have to bounce on it to make it flatter.”
The little boy nodded, taking a mouthful of cereal before replying, “Well, I wouldn’t bother if I were you.”
“Why?” asked his mum, confused.
The boy finished his mouthful and told her, “Because every weekend when you go to visit grandma, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up again…”
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On Our Honeymoon
I was looking at my wife, no teeth in, tits on her belly, hair a mess and smoking a roll up.
Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive fart.
“You are a mess and I’m disgusted with you,” I said.
“I’m still the woman you love and married,” she said. “Sometimes we all let ourselves go a bit.”
“We’re on our fuckin honeymoon,” I replied…
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This Is Going to Be Loud
A blonde walked into a doctor’s office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?
The blonde said, “Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don’t want to ruin it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don’t want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don’t want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud!”
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Scaring the Kids
A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s up?” he says.
“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted is hiding in your wardrobe and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
“You bastard,” says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!”
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The Big Fan
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.
“I’m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I’m starting to get the hang of this.”
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn’t radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.
He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said: “I don’t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can’t remember anything after I turned off the big fan.”
