Tone: darkly humorous

Darkly humorous humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Number One

    Last night, my girlfriend told me that I’m her “number one.” That’s just great: Not only does she see another man, but I’m more numb than he is.

  • If At First You Don’t Succeed

    If at first you don’t succeed, blackmail everyone who saw you fail. Unless what you failed at is blackmail — then you’ll have to go straight to murder.

  • Doctor, It Only Hurts When I Masturbate

    A man goes to the doctors and says “Doc, you gotta help me!”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The doctor says “What’s your problem?”

    The guy says every morning I wake up with my “morning flagpole”.. give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor’s wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work.. Once I get to work I do some work and at morning tea time I go into the photocopy room and have it off with one of the young office girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good bonking… For afternoon tea I give the boss’s wife a good servicing.. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches.. Then at night I give the missus another screw……

    “Well” said the doctor. “What’s your problem?”

    The guy says “Well, it hurts when I masturbate.”

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  • The Holy Trinity

    Probably the easiest way to explain the mystery of the Holy Trinity is that One pokes the Other in the eye and the Third goes “Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!” a lot. Of course, that might just be the NyQuil talking.

  • The Curious Barber and the Lawn Boy

    A middle aged guy, tired of mowing the lawn, finally breaks down and hires a neighbourhood kid to do the job for him.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighbourhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet.

    Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!

    The man asked Bubba, “I don’t mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn’t help but notice…”

    Bubba laughed and said, “It’s simple, every night before I go to bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times.”

    The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times.

    He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when his wife sat up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and said, “Is that you, Bubba?”

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  • Condom Math Gone Wrong

    A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, “What happened to the other five condoms?”

    His nervous reply was, “Er, I masturbated with them.”

    Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, “Have you ever done that?”

    “Yeah, once or twice,” he told her.

    “You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?” she asked.

    “Oh,” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”

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  • The Space Program

    If they ever start taking civilians into the space program, I’ll be the first to sign up. Not because I’m into science or exploring or stuff, but because I owe a lot of money to some really mean dudes in Jersey.

  • Professor Who Changed My Whole Life

    In college, I took a class from a professor who changed my whole life. I can’t really remember what his name was, or what the class was, or even which college it was, but I found that if you sit behind a really tall guy and kind of slouch down in your chair you can drink Scotch right from the bottle and not get caught.

  • The Cola Wars

    Call me embittered, but I lost a mother and two brothers to the Cola Wars, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to lose my pop!