I just asked my son what he learned today at school, and he told me, “Not enough, because I have to go back tomorrow.”
Topic: childhood
Childhood jokes, memes, dark humor, awkward moments, and weird little disasters from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
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The Most Important Punctuation Mark
A teacher asked, “What’s the most important punctuation mark?”
A little boy replied, “The period.”
Teacher: “Can you tell me why?”
The little boy: “I’m not sure, but when my sister missed hers, my mom fainted, my dad got super mad, and the boy a few houses down left town and never came back.”
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The Drive With Grandma
A little girl was usually driven to school by her Grandpa, but one day he had a bad cold, so her Grandma took her instead.
That night, the girl told her parents, “The drive with Grandma was really different today.”
“Oh? What made it different?” they asked.
“Well,” she said, “with Grandma, we didn’t see a single numb nuts, blind lady, idiot, or freakin’ moron on the road the whole way.”
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Widdle Wabbits
A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks, “Excuse me, do you have any widdle wabbits?”
The shopkeeper’s heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and says, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft fluffy widdle wabbit, or one like that brown one over there?”
The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, “I don’t weally fink my anaconda gives a phuc.”
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Keeping Em Awake
During church yesterday, the pastor was 10 minutes into his sermon when he noticed his 7-year-old son in the balcony with a pea-shooter. The boy was leaning over the railing, carefully aiming and popping members of the congregation in the head. Just as the pastor was about to stop his sermon and give his son a public scolding, the boy hollered out, “You just keep preaching, Dad! I’ll keep ’em awake!”
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Im William the Little Bastards Name Is Kevin
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. The child is screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things. The grandad says in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long… easy, boy.”
Another outburst, and she hears him calmly say, “It’s okay, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again, “William, relax, buddy. Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes. Stay cool, William.”
Impressed, she approaches the grandfather outside as he loads his groceries and the boy into the car. “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. You kept your composure the whole time, calmly saying things would be okay no matter how loud and disruptive he got. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad.”
“Thanks,” says the grandpa. “But I’m William. The little bastard’s name is Kevin.”
