Topic: parenting

Parenting jokes, kid chaos, family stress, and tiny humans causing damage from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.

  • My Only Problem With Women Breastfeeding in Public

    My Only Problem With Women Breastfeeding in Public

    My only problem with women breastfeeding in public is they never wink back.

  • During Labor the Pain Is So Great That a Woman Can Almost Realize What It’s Like to Lose a Big Fish

    During Labor the Pain Is So Great That a Woman Can Almost Realize What It’s Like to Lose a Big Fish

    During labor the pain is so great that a woman…..

    Can almost realize what it’s like to lose a big fish.

  • Relationship Status: Very Relieved Socks Can’t Get Pregnant

    Relationship Status: Very Relieved Socks Can’t Get Pregnant

    RELATIONSHIP STATUS :

    VERY RELIEVED SOCKS CAN’T GET PREGNANT

  • Explaining AI

    My daughter asked me to explain AI to her.

    I said, “You know how Dad gives wrong answers confidently? It’s like that but faster.”

  • At least she’ll never be hungry

    I bet if an eagle’s daughter ever flew off with a buzzard, the eagle would react nobly and think, “Well, at least she’ll never be hungry.”

  • It’s pasture bedtime

    I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.”

    Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?”

    I chuckled, “Well, that means…”
    “It’s pasture bedtime!”

  • We don’t want any kids

    My wife and I have decided we don’t want any kids.

    We’re going to tell them in the morning.

  • It definitely wouldn’t be this one

    I saw a guy carrying a screaming toddler across the parking lot.

    He noticed me looking at him and said, “He’s mine. I’m not stealing him or anything.”

    Before I could reply, he added, “If I was gonna take one, it definitely wouldn’t be this asshole.”

  • Knitting and Vitamins: Baby’s Best Starts!

    So there are these three pregnant women in the OB-GYN’s waiting room: a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde, all knitting baby sweaters.

    So they knit and they knit and they knit. Then the redhead pops a pill. The other two gasp.

    “It’s OK,” the redhead says. “This is just calcium. I want my baby to have strong bones.”

    So they knit and they knit and they knit. Then the brunette pops a pill. The other two gasp.

    “It’s OK,” the brunette says. “This is just vitamin C. I want my baby to have a strong immune system.”

    So they knit and they knit and they knit. Then the blonde pops a pill. The other two gasp.

    “It’s OK,” the blonde says. “This is just thalidomide. I can’t get the arms on this sweater right.”

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  • Here comes the second one

    How do terrorists feed their children?
    “Here comes the airplane.”
    “Here comes the second one.”