My daughter broke two of my Freddie Mercury records.
Now she wants to break three.
Topic: parenting
Parenting jokes, kid chaos, family stress, and tiny humans causing damage from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
-
It Hurts When They Boil Their Nipples
Why don’t blondes like to breastfeed their children?
Because it hurts when they boil their nipples.
-
If Men Were Pregnant
If Men were Pregnant
Maternity leave would last two years … with full pay
There would be a cure for stretch marks
Natural childbirth would become obsolete
Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem
All methods of birth control would be 100% effective
Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained
Men would be eager to talk about commitment
They wouldn’t think twins were so cute
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM
Briefcases would be used as diaper bags
Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes
They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy
Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees
Women would rule the world
-
A Penny for Your Thoughts
One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.
“A penny for your thoughts,” she whispered in his ear.
“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!”
-
Im Monica
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through — don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry — only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be checking out.”
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, “Monica, we’ll be through this checkout stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Monica,” he began.
The mother replied, “I’m Monica — my little girl’s name is Tammy.”
-
Climb the Fucking Walls
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that my dear?” she asked.
The little boy replied, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the fucking walls if you came to visit us again.”
-
She Ate All the Bait
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
“I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening. “I didn’t catch a thing!”
“Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,” his mother said.
The boy said, “It wasn’t that. She ate all the bait.”
