My dad just finished making a model of Mount Everest.
I asked him if it was to scale… He said, “No, it’s to look at.”
Topic: parenting
Parenting jokes, kid chaos, family stress, and tiny humans causing damage from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
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Keeping Em Awake
During church yesterday, the pastor was 10 minutes into his sermon when he noticed his 7-year-old son in the balcony with a pea-shooter. The boy was leaning over the railing, carefully aiming and popping members of the congregation in the head. Just as the pastor was about to stop his sermon and give his son a public scolding, the boy hollered out, “You just keep preaching, Dad! I’ll keep ’em awake!”
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Breakfast Swearing Lesson
A 7-year-old and a 4-year-old are in their bedroom.
“You know what?” says the 7-year-old. “I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you.”
“Okay,” replies the 4-year-old.
In the kitchen, when the mother asks the 7-year-old what he wants for breakfast, he answers, “I’ll have Coco Pops, bitch.” WHACK! He goes flying out of his chair, crying his eyes out.
The mother looks at the 4-year-old and sternly asks, “And what do you want?”
“Dunno,” he replies, “but it won’t be fucking Coco Pops.”
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Great Man Terrible Lifeguard
My dad used to tell me that you can’t save anyone; they have to save themselves.
Great man. Terrible lifeguard.
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Im William the Little Bastards Name Is Kevin
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. The child is screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things. The grandad says in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long… easy, boy.”
Another outburst, and she hears him calmly say, “It’s okay, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again, “William, relax, buddy. Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes. Stay cool, William.”
Impressed, she approaches the grandfather outside as he loads his groceries and the boy into the car. “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. You kept your composure the whole time, calmly saying things would be okay no matter how loud and disruptive he got. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad.”
“Thanks,” says the grandpa. “But I’m William. The little bastard’s name is Kevin.”
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My Sock Fell Off
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent…
So, I woke him up at 2am to tell him my sock fell off and then again at 4 to tell him I needed to pee.
