Delivery Style: escalating

Escalating joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Top 12 Signs Your Ex Is Dating a Convict

    The Top 12 Signs Your Ex is Dating a Convict

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

    12. She calls to ask you the meaning of “conjugal.”

    11. Her new bumper sticker: “Convicts do it for life.”

    10. She proudly says she finally found a man who sleeps in the same bed every night.

    9. She only feels comfortable speaking to you on the phone when you’re on opposite sides of the same window.

    8. Your ex *is* a convict.

    7. Back from custody weekend, little Timmy asks if he can have a steel toilet next to his bed, “just like Uncle Snake!”

    6. You hear her asking the kids if the “screws” at daycare are treating them right.

    5. Your children’s response to why drugs are bad is “they violate your parole.”

    4. You’re spending another weekend with the kids because “Mommy’s visiting the Conjugals.”

    3. She boasts: “He’s a former child TV star!”

    2. Your kids try to guess how many cigarettes their birthday presents are worth.

    1. Her license plate is autographed.

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  • The Dead Frog

    This kid walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. The kid walks up to the Madame and says that he wants a girl.

    The Madame says to the kid, “Sorry… You are too young.”

    The kid promptly puts a $100 bill on the counter and the Madame says, “One girl coming right up…”

    As the Madame starts walking away the kid says, “Hold on a minute… I need a girl with active herpes.”

    The Madame says, “Sorry kid… All my girls are clean.”

    The kid promptly places another $100 bill on the table and the Madame says, “One dirty lady coming right up!!!”

    The kid goes upstairs, fucks the girl, and when he comes back down the Madame can’t help but ask, “Why did you want a girl with active herpes?”

    The kid replied, “You see… it goes like this… I went up, fucked that girl and got the herpes. I’ll go home and my babysitter will be there and I’ll fuck my babysitter and she’ll get the herpes. Then my dad will come home and take the babysitter home and fuck the babysitter and he’ll get the herpes. Then he’ll come home and fuck my mum and SHE’LL get the herpes. Tomorrow morning my dad will go to work at 8 AM. At nine the milkman comes… and HE’S the bastard that killed my frog!!!!!”

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  • Someone’s Coming

    One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of “Good Nights” she went upstairs.

    Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others’ shoulders beneath Snow White’s bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy’s turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.

    After a minute or two he hollered down, “She’s taking off her blouse!” and this was echoed down the stack — “Taking off her blouse,” “She’s taking off her blouse,” “Blouse is coming off,” “Taking off her blouse,” etc.

    Next Grumpy yelled, “She’s taking off her skirt,” which was followed by the echoes — “Taking off her skirt,” “She’s taking off her skirt,” “Skirt’s coming off,” “Taking off her skirt,” etc.

    Of course the next line from Grumpy was, “She’s taking off her bra!” and the echo chorus went down the line: “She’s taking off her bra!” “She’s taking off her bra!” “She’s taking off her bra!” etc.

    Then Grumpy said, “She’s taking off her panties!” which again cascaded down the dwarf tower. “She’s taking off her panties!” “She’s taking off her panties!” “She’s taking off her panties!” “She taking off her panties!” etc.

    Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, “Someone’s coming!”

    And from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.”

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  • Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate

    Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate

    ~ You get an angry phone call at 2 AM describing your barking dog as “a real turn-off.”

    ~ Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears.

    ~ Your wife forbids you to do yard work.

    ~ Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.

    ~ Your son: “C’mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!”
    You: “Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are.”

    ~ The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.

    ~ Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle.

    ~ There’s always a traffic jam on your street when she’s mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.

    ~ You’ve spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are — or if she even *has* any.

    ~ Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she’ll “bring the buns.”

    ~ After helping her trim her trees, your husband brings home more wood than you can handle.

    ~ There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sounds like the Indy 500.

    ~ You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you’d like your walk shoveled. In August. In Los Angeles.

    ~ Her occupation is listed clearly as “Playboy Playmate” on the restraining order she just took out against you.

    ~ Your local Domino’s new guarantee: “Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!”

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  • Room 319

    A man went to a whorehouse to get some practice performing oral sex on his old lady. The woman at the front desk gave him a key and told him to go to room 319. He went in and there he saw his lady of the evening. He told her why he was there and she gave him a few pointers and told him to get down to it.

    He began performing oral sex and was, by her reaction, pretty good at it. But something strange happened. About five minutes into the deed he felt something in his mouth. He stealthily spit it into his hand and saw to his amazement that it was a piece of carrot.

    “Oh man, that’s fuckin nasty!” he thought, but he said nothing and continued. Five minutes later he came up with a pea.

    “Christ! I can’t take this much more. There’s something wrong with this bitch.” But again he said nothing and gave it one more shot. This time it was a piece of chicken. He could stand it no longer.

    “Fuck! I can’t do this anymore! I’m gonna throw up!”

    “That’s funny,” the hooker said, “That’s what the last guy did.”

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  • Prank Dad Day 817

    Prank Dad Day 817

    Gonna prank dad when he gets home

    DAY 1

    DAY 2

    DAY 817

  • Wont Do What You Tell Me

    Wont Do What You Tell Me

    FUCK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME

    FUCK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME

    FUCK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME

    FUCK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME

    MOTHERFUCKER……..UGGGGH!!!!

  • Kissed In Sleep Prison

    Kissed In Sleep Prison

    being kissed in your sleep is.. like.. the purest form of love

    Unless you are home alone

    Or in prison.

  • One Shot Tequila Mcdonalds

    One Shot Tequila Mcdonalds

    Fuck it, one shot of tequila won’t hurt

    3 hours later:

    Man Kicked Out Of McDonalds For Putting His D*ck In A Burger And Yelling THIS IS REAL MEAT, YOU F*CKERS!

  • I Need a Handsaw

    Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.

    So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

    He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.

    The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock, starts masturbating and points at it.

    The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”

    The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”

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