Narrative joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
Two hunters were out in the woods when one of them suddenly collapsed.
The other grabbed his phone, called emergency services, and yelled, “Help! We were out hunting, and I think my buddy’s dead! What do I do?!”
The operator said calmly, “All right, sir. First, make sure he’s dead.”
There was a pause… then two gunshots.
The hunter came back on the line and said, “Okay — now what?”
As the dingy, small restaurant is about to close, a customer rushed through the door and said: “Please, I am starving, I will order anything you have or anything easy to make. Plus a soup.”
The waiter replied: “Sure, we have some rotisserie chicken that we can bring to you, but we are all out of soup.” Pointing to the corner of the restaurant, he said, “That gentleman ordered the last one.”
The last customer then noticed a lone, sad looking man sitting at a small table with his head down, with a full bowl of soup in front of him. After contemplating a bit, he asked in a gentle voice: “Sir, I noticed that you have not eaten your soup. If you don’t mind, may I have it?”
The sad man silently moved the dish with bowl of soup and soup spoon towards the direction of the last customer.
“Thank you, thank you!” the last customer took the soup back to his table and started eagerly eating it… until he noticed the dead rat at bottom of the bowl.
Totally disgusted by what he saw and ate, he vomited violently, back into the bowl. finally, after he calmed down, wiped tears off his eyes and dabbed the corner of his mouth with a napkin, he noticed the sad man looking mournfully at him.
“I know, that’s what I did too.” The sad man said.
Went to school with a guy who was born without eyelids. He underwent surgery where they circumcised him and used the foreskin to create natural looking eyelids. The operation was a success.
He still looks a little cockeyed though.
Three guys were traveling through Saudi Arabia when they accidentally stumbled into a harem tent filled with over a hundred beautiful women.
They started getting friendly with the women when suddenly the Sheik burst in and shouted, “I am the master of all these women! No one else may touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you’ve done. Your punishment will correspond to your profession.”
He turned to the first man and asked, “What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a cop,” the first man said.
“Then we will shoot your penis off!” declared the Sheik.
Next, he turned to the second man. “And you?”
“I’m a fireman.”
“Then we will burn your penis off!”
Finally, the Sheik turned to the third man. “And what do you do for a living?”
The third man grinned and said, “I’m a lollipop salesman.”
My last girlfriend demanded to be treated as a princess.
Boy was she mad when I married her off to secure an alliance with France.
Two men are sitting next to each other on a train, both sporting black eyes. Naturally curious, the first man looks at the other and says, “So, how’d you get the black eye?”
The other man replies, “Well, it was a Freudian slip.”
“What’s that?” the first asks.
“It’s when you mean to say one thing, but you accidentally say another that reveals what you’re really thinking,” explains the second.
The first man nods. “Oh. So what happened?”
“Well,” says the second, “I was buying my ticket for the train, and the woman at the counter had the biggest boobs I’d ever seen. So when I meant to say ‘two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ I accidentally said ‘two pickets to Tittsburgh’—hence the black eye.”
The first guy laughs and says, “That’s funny, something similar happened to me. This morning, I was eating breakfast with my wife, and I meant to say ‘could you pass the jam,’ but I accidentally said, ‘you ruined my life, you stupid bitch!’”
A wedding photographer was today tragically crushed by a 200lb wheel of cheese that fell off the catering truck.
The guests all tried to warn him.
Jimmy and Johnny attend a square dance during the depression. Johnny an otherwise handsome young man had lost an eye in a farming accident. Johnny’s father not having the money to purchase a glass eye, carved a prosthetic eye from wood. Johnny was quite self conscious because of his missing eye.
Soon after arriving at the dance, Johnny tells Jimmy he believes no girl will dance with him. Jimmy tells him he just has to pick the right girl, and suggests Betty who has a harelip but is a very nice girl, whom has never been asked to dance.
Johnny builds his courage, approaches Betty, and asks, “Betty, wouldn’t you like to dance?”
Betty delighted to finally have been asked exclaims, “Wouldn’t I, Wouldn’t I?”
Johnny shoves Betty aside and shouts, “Harelip, harelip, harelip!”.
My wife screamed: ‘You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?’
What a weird way to start a conversation!
A guy goes to the doctor and says “Doc, I feel really terrible the last day or two. My entire body aches, my vision and hearing are failing, I’m completely fatigued, and just feeling malaise overall.”
The doctor says “We’re going to run some tests on you, come back tomorrow for the results.”
The guy comes back the next day and the doctor says, “I have some very bad news. Please sit down.”
He continues, “You have an extraordinarily rare disease, we believe it’s virus, but it’s so rare it doesn’t even have a name yet. This illness is ravaging your whole body – the nervous system, respiratory system, cardiovascular system, digestive system, reproductive system, all of the systems in your body are shutting down quite rapidly. The entire medical field is confounded by the sudden onset of this disease, and so far, researchers have found no treatment or cure. And I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have about 3 days to live, maybe less.”
The man slumps over, fully in shock, and says “Oh my God, Doc. This can’t be happening. I’m young, I have a family, I have so much to live for. Is there ANYTHING that can be done?”
The doc replies, “Again, and I’m so sorry to say this, but there is nothing we can do. You will be dead within days.”
The man begins to shake and weep, crying “Please, doc, I have a wife and two young children. I can’t do this to them. My babies can’t grow up without a father. And my wife is the kindest, most loving person I’ve ever met, and neither of us have any living family members left. I can’t bear the thought of leaving her alone in the world to try and care for our children.”
The man then begins to loudly sob, “PLEASE, doc, I’m BEGGING YOU, is there ANYTHING that can be done? An experimental drug or treatment? PLEASE, I will try ANYTHING!”
The doctor says, “Well, there is one treatment I’ve heard about. I cannot vouch for it and I don’t believe there’s any research showing any efficacy.”
The man’s eyes widen and he asks, “PLEASE TELL ME!”
Doctor says, “Okay, there is a holistic spa just across town. This spa offers a unique type of mud bath, not unlike a mud mask used for skin care, except it is applied to the entire body. The mud is actually a type of mineral-rich clay that is only found in two areas of the world. If you leave my office right now, you should be able to get there in about five minutes and undergo the treatment.”
The man asks through tears, “Is there a chance I will get better?”
The doctor says, “No, but it will help you start getting used to the dirt.”
