Satirical joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
If Ohio is the birthplace of both aviation and rock and roll, I’d say they owe that Buddy Holly fella an apology.
I’m confused by those ads where a duck is trying to sell people disability insurance by quacking, “AFLAC!” at them. If instead he just yelled, “Duck!” I bet most debilitating injuries could be avoided altogether. I’m on to your scam, Mr. Insurance Duck!
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting ”Please come out and give yourself up.”
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, ”Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, ”That’s not what I said!”
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, ”My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” ”Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. ”No!”, the man shouted, ”This is her husband!”.
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
If I were a best-selling children’s author, I’d write a book about how these cool little kids and their cute woodland friends made Santa very happy by taking all the money out of Mommy’s wallet and mailing it to my PO Box.
A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still grasping at straws.)
We’re working on a fresh approach to the problem.
(We just hired three kids fresh out of college.)
Close project coordination.
(We know who to blame.)
Major technological breakthrough.
(It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.)
Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured.
(We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.)
Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)
Test results were extremely gratifying.
(We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.)
The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only person who understood the thing quit.)
It is in process.
(It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.)
We’ll look into it.
(Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)
Please read and initial.
(Let’s spread the responsibility for the mistake.)
Give us the benefit of your thoughts.
(We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done.)
Give us your interpretation.
(I can’t wait to hear this!)
See me or Let’s Discuss.
(Come into my office, I’m lonely.)
All new!
(Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.)
Rugged
(Too heavy to lift!)
Lightweight
(Lighter than rugged.)
Years of development
(One finally worked.)
Energy saving
(Achieved when the power switch is off.)
Low maintenance
(Impossible to fix if broken.)
