Format: written

Written comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Top 13 Paris Hilton Pet Peeves

    13> Those nouveau riche morons who have absolutely no sense of decorum.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    12> Can never remember the name of that guy she slept with in London. If only there were some way to make a record of when that happened.

    11> Olfactory flashbacks from the Arkansas season of “The Simple Life.”

    10> People who ask you to sign stolen towels.

    9> Thinking that uncool and/or nonrich guys might be jerking off to her video.

    8> Getting a paper cut from the envelope while forwarding your $375,000 Amex bill to Dad.

    7> Always had to milk the ugly cow during the first season of “The Simple Life.”

    6> Jerk waiters who think they’re better than you just because they know how to read those stupid menus.

    5> Andy Warhol’s ghost constantly showing up with a stop watch.

    4> “Since that pudge skank Nicole lost all that weight, now I look like a *fat* size 4.”

    3> When you go to buy a new Bentley and they don’t have one with an interior that complements your dog’s Prada rain slicker?

    2> Caterpillars that crawl in one ear and take, like, an hour before crawling out the other side.

    And Topfive.com’s Number 1 Paris Hilton Pet Peeve…

    1> No Nobel prize for skankery.

    [The Top 5 List www.topfive.com]
    [Copyright 2005 by Chris White]

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Bread in Captivity

    I went to the zoo last week. The first exhibit was a ciabatta, the second a baguette, and the third a brioche.

    They were all bread in captivity.

  • Because I Don’t Do Any of These Things

    Nobody sees the 5am runs.

    Nobody sees me choosing a salad over fries.

    Nobody sees me doing yoga in a peaceful sunlit room.

    Because I don’t do any of these things.

  • Bear Hunting

    Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or you let me fuck you in the ass.”

    After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob.

    Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

    The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you’ve got two choices — either I maul you to death or you let me fuck you in the ass.”

    Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.

    Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

    The polar bear lets out a huge sigh and says, “Admit it, Bob, you’re not here for the hunting, are you?”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Come Forth and Receive

    And Jesus said unto his disciples, “Come forth, and you shall receive everlasting life…”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    But John came fifth and received a set of steak knives.

    Peter came last and had to eat the biscuit.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Nearly Met Jesus

    Hiking in your 70s is a great way to meet people.

    Today I met two paramedics, three nurses, a cardiologist… and nearly met Jesus!

  • Weekly Overload Recreational Killer

    A highly dangerous virus called “Weekly Overload Recreational Killer” (WORK) is currently going around.

    If you come into contact with this WORK virus, you should immediately go to the nearest “Biological Anxiety Relief” (BAR) center to take the antidotes known as “Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract” (WINE), “Radioactive UnWork Medicine” (RUM), “Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter” (BEER), or “Vaccine Official Depression Killing Antigen” (VODKA).

    Stay alert and warn your friends.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Pastor Under the Bed

    A young doctor moves to a small community to replace an older doctor who is retiring.

    The older doctor suggests that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds so the community can get used to the new doctor.

    At the first house, a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”

    The older doctor says, “You’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on how much you’re eating and see if that helps.”

    As they leave, the younger doctor says, “You didn’t even examine her! How did you come to that diagnosis so quickly?”

    “Ah,” the older doctor replies. “You noticed I dropped my stethoscope? When I bent down to pick it up, I saw a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That’s probably what’s been making her sick.”

    “Pretty clever,” the younger doctor says. “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

    At the next stop, they visit a younger woman who says she’s been feeling terribly run-down and just doesn’t have the energy she used to.

    The young doctor nods and says, “You’ve probably been doing too much for the church. You should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

    As they leave, the older doctor says, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is probably right, she’s very active in the church. But how did you arrive at it?”

    “I did what you did,” the young doctor says. “I dropped my stethoscope, and when I bent down to pick it up, I noticed the pastor under the bed.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail