When it comes to being a good father for my daughters, I have three unwritten rules:
1)
2)
3)
Format: list
List comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
-
Childhood Punishments, Adult Goals
All of my childhood punishments have become my adult goals:
Eating vegetables, staying home, taking a nap, going to bed early. -
The Top 16 Lesser Known Paths to the Dark Side
The Top 16 Lesser Known Paths to the Dark Side
16. “Mr. Lucas — can I show you the preliminary sketches for my ‘Cute Gungan’ character?”
15. Do tequila shots while watching the Home Shopping Network.
14. At only $3.99, that Yanni CD is just too cheap to pass up. I mean, that’s practically FREE, man.
13. Hide your evil corporate doings behind the smiling face of a cartoon mouse.
12. “Whitney and Bobby, I now pronounce you man and wife.”
11. On a dare, watch a muted “Gigli” while listening to William Hung’s latest album.
10. Try to pay for more than 10 power converters in the Tashi Station express lane.
9. You feel an other-worldly presence inspiring you as you introduce Paris Hilton to Kato Kaelin.
8. Puns.
7. Your senior thesis: “John Wilkes Booth: American Patriot.”
6. Return to your childhood for inspiration in choosing your post-Jedi name, “Darth Blankie.”
5. “An interest-free loan? Oh man, Mr. Gotti, you’re a life-saver!”
4. A seemingly innocent pairing of Martha Stewart bed linens with Christopher Lowell pillow shams.
3. Tentatively decide to approach Ted Nugent with your idea for curbing the neighborhood’s population of stray pets.
2. “I love your hair, Mr. Trump.”
1. Offer your services to Death Row Records as house grammarian.
-
Words at the Funeral
A man asked a widow if he could say a word at her husband’s funeral.
“Certainly,” she replied.
He stood up and said, “Plethora.”
The widow smiled and said, “Thanks, that means a lot.”
Another man stood up and said, “Bargain.”
The widow replied, “Thanks, that means a great deal.”
Yet another stood up and said, “Earth.”
“Thanks,” she said. “That means the world.”
Another man stood and said, “Infinity.”
The widow smiled and replied, “Thanks, that means more than you can imagine.”
Yet another stood up and said, “Retirement.”
The widow said, “Thanks, my husband would have loved that.”
Finally, one man simply held up a sprig of Mentha spicata.
The widow smiled and said, “Thanks, that’s a lovely scent of mint.”
-
The Sparrow the Cow and the Cat
Little sparrow was flying south, running away from winter. Unfortunately it was so cold, that the bird froze and fell onto a pasture. A cow was passing by and took a dump on the bird. Because the turd was warm, it thawed the sparrow and it started feeling better. He sat in the turd, and soon he felt so happy that it started chirping. But a cat was passing nearby, who heard the bird’s song, then pulled it out of the turd and ate it.
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.Unleash Chaos
