Delivery Style: storytelling

Storytelling joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Rollerblades in Heaven

    Three guys die in a car crash and are standing at heaven’s gates to get in.

    The first guy walks up to the gates. The angel says, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?” He replies, “I’ve never cheated on my wife.” The angel says, “Here are the keys to your Mercedes-Benz. Take them, drive through the gate, and have everlasting happiness.”

    The second guy walks up to the gates. The angel says, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?” He replies, “Two, maybe three times.” The angel says, “Here are the keys to your Honda Civic. Take them, drive through the gates, and have everlasting happiness.”

    The third guy walks up to the gates. The angel says, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?” He says, “Oh God, I have no clue, I can’t remember.” The angel says, “Here are the keys to your Ford Pinto. Take them, drive through the gates, and have everlasting happiness.”

    Later on, the second and the third guy come across the first guy who never cheated on his wife. And he’s sitting on the hood of his car crying. They said, “What’s wrong? You have a beautiful car, you’re in heaven, and you have everlasting happiness. Why are you crying?”

    He replied, “I just saw my wife go by on a pair of rollerblades.”

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  • I Train SEALs Not Dolphins

    An older gentleman had his car stopped at a red light when a young rich asshole hit him with his Impala. Though the impact barely made a dent in either car, when both drivers went out to assess the damage, the asshole went ballistic.

    “Look what you did to my Impala! It’s ruined! I’m gonna sue you! You owe me a new car.”

    The older gentleman looked genuinely remorseful. “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t think I can afford to replace an Impala.”

    “Then I’m gonna beat your ass right here!” the asshole retorted.

    The older gentleman looked at the asshole. “I have a better idea. My son is visiting for the holidays, he’s in the passenger seat of my car. You two can fight it out, since I clearly would be no match for you in a physical fight. If you win, I’ll gladly pay for a new Impala, but if he wins, you knock off this nonsense.”

    “What does your son do for a living?” the asshole asked.

    “He trains dolphins.”

    The asshole laughed. “Trains dolphins? Easy fight. OK, call your son here.”

    The older gentleman called for his son. A minute later, a tall, extremely muscular young man in a Navy uniform steps out and proceeds to beat the asshole into pudding in ten seconds. The son then looks at his father and says:

    “Pop, I keep telling you, I train SEALs, not dolphins.”

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  • Im Just Chewing Some Gum

    Terribly overweight, Don LaJoie went to the doctor and begged him to be put on a diet. The doctor suggested several, but Lajoie rejected them all, insisting that he had no willpower.

    Considering the problem, the doctor said, “There is one thing we can try. It’s an experimental diet in which the jaw is wired shut and nourishment is provided through the rectum. Since the rectal walls can only absorb small amounts of food at a time, you will lose weight quickly.”

    LaJoie agreed to try the diet. Three weeks later, he returned for his checkup and, much to the doctor’s delight, the formerly obese man was now quite slender. He also had a remarkable bounce to his step.

    The physician removed the wire from LaJoie’s jaw and the man sat down. Much to the doctor’s surprise, his patient continued to bounce up and down on the seat.

    “So how do you feel?” the doctor asked.

    “Marvelous! Never better.”

    “Then tell me, why are you bouncing up and down like that?”

    “Oh,” says LaJoie, “I’m just chewing some gum.”

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  • Size 36 Underwear

    Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

    He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

    The Doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

    He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.

    When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

    As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

    He saw a Men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need… A new suit.”

    He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

    The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44 long.”

    Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

    “Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.

    Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

    Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”

    The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”

    Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

    “Been in the business 60 years.”

    Joe tried the shirt and it fit perfectly.

    Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

    Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”

    The salesman said, “Let’s see… size 36.”

    Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

    The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

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  • Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day

    For a wedding gift, a guy decides to tattoo his wife’s name on his penis…

    When erect, it proudly reads “Wendy” on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows “Wy”.

    While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a “Wy” on his penis.

    He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy. The guy replies in a Jamaican accent: “No man, why do you ask?”

    The husband then explains that he noticed the Wy on his penis and shared that he also has Wy on his and then when erect it says “Wendy”. The stranger then said: “When I have a hard on it says ‘Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day.’”

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  • Show Him Your Badge and Warrant

    A DEA officer had a tip that a farmer was growing weed and showed up to inform the farmer that he would be searching the farm for illegal marijuana plants.

    The farmer said: “I do not consent to a search without a warrant.”

    At which point the DEA pulled out his badge and a signed warrant and said: “THIS gives me the authoritah to search wherever I want.”

    So the farmer said: “Okay, but stay out of that field,” pointing to a fenced-in field.

    The DEA says: “Then that is where I will start.”

    The farmer just shrugged and went back to work.

    A few minutes later the DEA agent was screaming and the farmer came to see the DEA agent running and diving, trying to avoid being gored by the farmer’s large bull. The DEA agent was yelling for help. The farmer shouted: “SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE AND WARRANT!!!”

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  • Thats the Sheriffs Gal

    A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men.

    He asked one of the local cowboys, “What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?”

    The cowboy replied, “See them thar’ sheep up on th’et hill. We just go git us one.”

    “That is disgusting and barbaric!!” replied the lawyer.

    After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed.

    After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm.

    The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.

    The lawyer said, “You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I’m some sort of freak for doing what you’ve been doing all along. I’m just doing it with more class.”

    “That ain’t the problem,” replied one cowboy. “That’s the sheriff’s gal you’re with.”

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  • We Dont Even Have the Boat in the Water Yet

    There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They’d heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, “We’re going to need an ice pick.”

    So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We’re going to need another dozen ice picks.”

    Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn’t. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.

    In about an hour, he was back. Said, “We’re going to need all the ice picks you’ve got.”

    The bait man couldn’t stand it any longer. “By the way,” he asked, “how are you fellows doing?”

    “Not very well at all,” he said. “We don’t even have the boat in the water yet.”

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  • De Duck Won

    The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cock fights being held in the area around LaFayette, and duly dispatched the infamous detective Desormeaux to investigate.

    He reported to his sergeant the next morning.

    “Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin’” he began.

    “Good work. Who are they?” the sergeant asked.

    Desormeaux replied confidently, “De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia.”

    Puzzled, the sergeant asked, “How did you find that out in one night?”

    “Well,” he replied, “I went down and done seen dat cock fight. I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight.”

    The sergeant nodded, “I’ll buy that. But what about the others?”

    Desormeaux intoned knowingly, “Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck.”

    “Ah,” sighed the sergeant, “And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?”

    “De duck won.”

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  • He Makes His Own Lunch

    An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.”

    The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again. If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”

    The redneck opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.”

    Next day — the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.

    The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.

    The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.

    At the funeral — The Irishman’s wife is weeping. She says, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again.”

    The Mexican’s wife also weeps and says, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas. I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”

    Everyone turned and stared at the redneck’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me,” she said, “He makes his own lunch.”

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