Surprise twist joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A hillbilly couple is lying in bed.
Otis turns to his wife and says, “Fuck you.”
A minute goes by and then Rita Mae turns to Otis and says, “Fuck you.”
Another couple of minutes pass and Otis says, “Fuck you” again to his wife.
This back and forth goes on for a bit longer when Otis finally turns to his wife and says, “You know, oral sex ain’t much fun.”
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” “Yes it is,” the man replies.
“You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks. “No thanks,” the man replies.
“I think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues. “OK. How much?” the man replies after considering the position he is in. “Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies. “TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” the boy starts off.
“Yes it is,” replies the man.
“Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks.
“OK. How much?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. “Fifty dollars,” the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy’s father says, “Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.”
“I can’t. I sold them,” replies the little boy.
“How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
“Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says.
“SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,” the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?”
“Don’t you start that shit in here now,” the priest says.
A husband asked his wife to try a new sex position. She was in an adventurous but shy mood so she agreed but asked if they could do it in the dark.
Following his directions, she got on all fours and was surprised to find herself being entered by both holes at once.
“Oh, that’s actually very nice, but how are you doing it?”
“It’s all in the name my darling. It’s called the Siskel and Ebert.”
“The Siskel and Ebert? What on earth does that mean?”
“Two thumbs up!”
A truck driver and his pet parrot were hauling a load of chickens. He stopped to pick up an attractive hitchhiker, swung the door open and asked, “You want a lift?”
“Yes, thank you!” she said and started to climb in when the parrot exclaimed, “Wanna fuck?”
“No!” she answered and the parrot screeched, “No fuck no ride!” and fluttered like crazy, scaring the hitchhiker off.
The truck driver was appalled and told the parrot he should be ashamed of himself and not to let it happen again. The parrot squawked his call of agreement and nodded his head.
Further down the road they happened upon another hitchhiker – this time a musician with a guitar on his back.
The trucker stopped, swung the door open and said, “Howdy, stranger! That sure is a nice guitar. Need a lift?”
“Sure do, thanks, mister,” he answered but once again the parrot screeched, “Wanna fuck? No fuck no ride!” and the trucker sped off, embarrassed and furious at his parrot.
“Damn it, bird! What did I say about this earlier? If you pull that stunt one more time I’m gonna throw you in the back with the chickens!” The parrot squawked, “All right, all right, not again.”
Several miles down the road they saw another hitchhiker and the trucker gave the parrot a stern look but the parrot did the same thing all over again and the trucker had finally had enough.
He threw the parrot in the back with the chickens, convinced the hitchhiker it was all a misunderstanding and to accept his offer for a ride and had a pleasant conversation as they headed down the road.
Just before they reached the next town the trucker noticed a police car, lights on and siren wailing, pulling up beside him and ordering him to pull over.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?” the trucker asked. “I wasn’t speeding, I have all my numbers and my load is secure.”
The trooper yelled, “Secure load? You have a 12-mile trail of chickens being chucked out the back by a parrot yelling ‘No Fuck, No Ride!’”
An American man gets married to a British woman…
Before the big night, his father tells him:
“Tonight, I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.
Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation.
And finally I want you to take off your clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation.”
After the big night, the father asks his son, “So how was it?”
Son: “Well, I carried her in my arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.”
Father: “Good!”
Son: “Then I threw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation.”
Father: “Yeah!”
Son: “And then I took off my clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation.”
Father: “Very good! And then what did you do?”
Son: “I jacked off in front of her.”
Father: “What? Why would you do that for?”
Son: “To show her that the US is a free and independent nation!”
Four brothers left home for college — one became a lawyer, one a doctor, one a scientist, and one an entertainer. They all went on to be very successful.
When their elderly mother was living alone, each son decided to give her a special gift.
Years later, the brothers were talking about what they had done for her.
The first said, “I had a beautiful, large house built for Mama.”
The second said, “I installed a state-of-the-art home theater — cost a small fortune.”
The third said, “I bought her a brand-new luxury car with a full-time chauffeur.”
The fourth smiled and said, “You know how Mama loves reading the Bible — and you know her eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible from memory. It took 12 scholars and 20 years to teach him. I had to pledge $100,000 a year for 20 years, but it was worth it. All Mama has to do is name the book, chapter, and verse.”
A few weeks later, Mom sent out her thank-you notes.
To the first son, she wrote: “The house you built is enormous. I live in one room, but I have to clean the whole thing. Thank you, dear.”
To the second son, she wrote: “The theater is lovely, but I don’t hear well anymore and I can barely see. Thank you anyway.”
To the third son, she wrote: “The car is beautiful, but I rarely go anywhere. I mostly stay home. Thank you all the same.”
And to the fourth son, she wrote: “You were the only one who truly put thought into your gift. The chicken was delicious.”
One afternoon Tommy was playing in the backyard when he smacked a buzzing honeybee with a stick.
His dad saw it and said, “Tommy! That’s not nice. Because of that, you’re not getting any honey for a whole month!”
A little later, Dad walked outside again and caught Tommy pulling the wings off a butterfly.
“Well, that does it,” his dad said. “No butter for you for a month either!”
That evening, Tommy’s mom was making dinner in the kitchen when a cockroach suddenly ran across the floor. She shrieked, grabbed her slipper, and squashed it flat.
She turned around and noticed Tommy and his dad staring at her.
Tommy looked up at his father and said, “Well, Dad… are you going to explain it to her, or should I?”
Little Johnny got lost in the shopping mall…
He approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!”
The guard asked, “What’s his name?”
“Grandpa.”
The guard smiled, then asked, “What’s he like?”
The boy paused for a moment, then replied, “Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits!”
Little Johnny wanted a $200 bike, but his dad shut him down fast:
“Son, we have an $80,000 mortgage and I just got fired. No bike. Period.”
Two days later, Johnny is at the front door with a suitcase, looking like he’s moving to Mexico.
His dad asks, “Where the heck are you going?”
Johnny looks him dead in the eye and says:
“Look, I walked past your bedroom this morning. I heard you tell Mom you were ‘pulling out,’ and Mom said she was ‘coming too.’ Well, I’m not an idiot! I’m leaving now because I’ll be damned if I’m the only one left here to pay off that $80,000 mortgage!”
A blind man travels to Texas and checks into a hotel.
When he gets to his room, he feels around and runs his hand across the bed.
“Good grief, this bed is huge!” he says.
The bellhop chuckles and replies, “Sir, everything’s bigger in Texas.”
Later that evening, the man heads down to the hotel bar.
He climbs onto a tall barstool and orders a beer.
The bartender sets a giant mug in front of him.
The man feels around the glass and says, “Wow, this drink is enormous!”
The bartender laughs and says, “Well sir, everything’s bigger in Texas.”
After a few beers, the man asks where the restroom is.
The bartender says, “Second door on the right.”
The man heads down the hallway but accidentally walks into the third door instead.
Unfortunately, that door leads straight to the hotel swimming pool.
He falls in with a big splash.
A moment later he pops his head above the water, waving his arms wildly and shouting:
“DON’T FLUSH! DON’T FLUSH!”
