Delivery Style: surprise twist

Surprise twist joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Jack and Jill’s Unexpected Workplace Showdown

    There’s a boss who hired two workers (Jack and Jill) last summer as temporaries. The summer is now over, and he doesn’t have the money to keep both workers on, but he CAN keep one. He’s got a problem because they’re both good workers. So he decides to let fate settle his dilemma by firing the first one of the two that goes to the water fountain the next morning.

    Jill is the first to arrive, and, having a headache, takes two aspirins to the water cooler. The boss says to himself, “Well, that’s it then. It’s gotta be Jill.”

    He calls Jill into his office. “Money is tight, and I don’t have enough to keep you AND Jack on the payroll. So I either have to lay you or Jack off.”

    To which Jill replied: “Well, you’ll just have to jack off, because I have a headache.”

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  • I’ll Show You How

    A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

    “But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.

    “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom — I’ll show you how.”

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  • Meow

    One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: “Help wanted. Must type seventy words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer.” A dog ambling down the street saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.

    The office manager said, “I can’t hire a dog for this job.”

    The dog pointed to the line: “An equal opportunity employer.”

    So the manager said, “OK, take this letter and type it.”

    The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.

    The manager said, “Here’s a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it.”

    Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.

    The manager still wasn’t convinced. “I can’t hire a dog for this position. You’ve got to be bilingual.”

    The dog looked up at the manager and said, “Meow.”

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  • Prepare Three Envelopes

    A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high-tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.

    Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”

    The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope.

    The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times.

    The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”

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  • Now We’re Gonna Have to Piss in the Boat

    Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for six days, they ran out of food and water.

    On the tenth day, bleary-eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in).

    They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. “POOF!” out popped a tired old genie who said, “OK, so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I’ve been doing this three-wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I’m burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I’m outta here. Make it a good one.”

    The first guy, without hesitation or thought, blurted out, “Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!”

    “Fine,” said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.

    “Great move, Einstein!” said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. “Now we’re gonna have to piss in the boat!”

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  • Only Fifty Cents

    A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, “Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!”

    The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.

    The bartender says, “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.”

    The cowboy replies, “Well, you’d drink that fast too if you had what I have.”

    The bartender says, “Oh dear! What is it? What do you have?”

    “I have… only fifty cents!”

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  • Jesus Christ! Are You Here Again?

    A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes by and asks him if he’s all right.

    The drunk replies by asking, “Do you know who I am?”

    The stranger says, “No. Who are you?”

    The drunk proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ… and I can prove it! Come with me!”

    They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells, “Jesus Christ! Are you here again?”

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  • The Designated Decoy

    A group of friends got together and went to a bar for happy hour. Little did they realize that a cop was around the corner just waitin’ for some poor, inebriated soul to attempt to operate a motor vehicle. Sure enough, about two hours later, a fella came out and headed for his car.

    Of course, not in a straight line. No no no. This man could hardly stand, much less walk. He stopped to have a conversation with a telephone pole. He smoothed his hair while looking at himself in a stop sign. He even lit his Bic pen and had a smoke during his escapade. The cop waited patiently for this guy to get behind the wheel and start driving. The man dropped his keys several times, and even had to sit down and take a short break.

    Meanwhile, the group of friends headed out to their cars and drove away. The cop waited. Finally, the moment of truth. The man finally managed to start his car and begin driving. Immediately, the officer turned on his lights and pulled the unfortunate patron over. A sobriety test ensued. The man passed every test with flying colors!

    The policeman administered the breathalyzer, and the result was 0.0. The cop was quite pissed. “I don’t understand it. A while ago you could hardly stay conscious, and now this?” exclaimed the cop. “What’s the story?”

    The man replied smugly, “My friends and I are very responsible when it comes to drinking. Today was my turn to be the designated decoy.”

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  • Over Here on the Swing

    A man and his wife are awakened at three o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

    “Not a chance,” says the husband. “It is three o’clock in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

    “Who was that?” asked his wife.

    “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

    “Did you help him?” she asks.

    “No, I did not. It is three in the morning and it is pouring out!” says the husband.

    “Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

    The man agrees, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

    “Yes,” comes back the answer.

    “Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

    “Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

    “Where are you?” asks the husband.

    “Over here on the swing!” replied the drunk.

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  • Pastor Fuzz

    The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.

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    The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. “Mrs. Fitzgerald,” the reverend said sternly. “This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?”

    “Shure,” she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

    When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

    The bartender looked over the bar and said, “Here, here, buddy, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this bar.”

    The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, “But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fuzz.”

    The bartender nodded. “Well, if you’re that far you may as well finish.”

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