Format: short

Short comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Perfect Eyesight on the Golf Course

    Jimmy is a 78-year-old retiree who has played golf every day for nearly 20 years. He arrives home from the course and he’s quite dejected. He tells his bride that he’s gonna hang up the sticks as he can no longer see his ball after he takes a swing, and it really makes him upset!

    His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

    “That’s no good,” sighs the dejected retiree, “your brother is 85 years old! He can’t help.”

    “He may be 85,” says the patient wife, “but his eyesight is nearly perfect.”

    So the next day Jimmy heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees it up on the first hole, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway, and immediately asks the brother-in-law, “Did you see the ball?”

    “Of course I did!” answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

    “Where did it go?” Jimmy asks.

    “I don’t remember.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • That Bar Shit Is Over

    My wife and I had only been married two weeks when I told her, “Honey, I’m going to Hank’s Tavern for a beer. I’ll be right back.”

    “Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” she asked.

    “I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face,” I said. “Just for a beer.”

    “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the fridge and showed me 25 different kinds from 12 countries.

    “Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar they have frozen glasses…”

    “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She pulled out a huge frozen mug from the freezer.

    “Yes, Tootsie Roll… but they have really good hors d’oeuvres there too…”

    “You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?” She took out trays of chicken wings, pigs in blankets, and mushroom caps.

    “But baby, at the bar there’s swearing and dirty words…”

    “You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR FUCKIN’ BEER IN YOUR STUPID FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR DUMB ASS HORS D’OEUVRES RIGHT HERE! YOU’RE FUCKIN’ MARRIED NOW — THAT BAR SHIT IS OVER. GOT IT, DUMB ASS?”

    Exactly why I’ve been married for 27 years….

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Pastor and the Post Office

    A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies’ room of the gas station…

    As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, “Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”

    The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It’s on the left.”

    The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was, and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

    The little boy replied with a chuckle, “You’re kidding me, right? You can’t even find the Post Office.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Retirement Benefits Without ID

    Yesterday, I went to apply for retirement benefits but forgot my wallet. The clerk said, “Just unbutton your shirt.”

    I showed my gray chest hair. She said, “That’ll do,” and processed everything.

    When I told my wife, she said, “You should’ve dropped your pants, maybe you’d qualify for disability too.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Golf Mulligan

    A buddy of mine was in his residency as an ER doctor and his shift was just ending on a Saturday afternoon. As he was trying to walk out the door, he sees this old man in golf clothing dragging his unconscious wife into the ER.

    She’s covered in blood from a head wound and my friend immediately starts looking her over right there in the lobby of the emergency room to find her wound.

    Trying to remain calm he asks, “What happened here, sir?”

    The husband is in a panic and totally exhausted from carrying her dead weight from the parking area, and is just stumbling over his words and rambling all over the place as he tries to explain.

    “Well, me and my wife have been married for 35 years and every Saturday morning since our wedding day we’ve played a round of golf together. You see her dad was a local golf pro…”

    “Sir, please try to focus here. How did your wife get injured?”

    “Sorry. So I play from the men’s tees, she plays from the women’s tees, and she normally drops me off in the cart before heading over to her tee box, and waits for me to hit and then I walk over to her.”

    “Sir!” My buddy’s getting frustrated, because he’s really struggling with the wound, there’s a lot of blood, and he’s working frantically at this point.

    “I’m explaining it to you, son! So anyways she drops me off like always and I set up for my drive and I thinned it! I never thin it! Never! But, TODAY, I thinned it! Lo and behold that ball had eyes for my dear wife, Agnes’ head. I yell ‘Fore!’ but she wasn’t looking and boom! Straight to the back of her head!”

    He just starts weeping at this point, clearly overcome by guilt.

    Finally my buddy finds the cause of the bleeding but he’s confused.

    “Sir, I actually see two injuries here.”

    The old man dries his eyes, instantly gains his composure, and states matter of factly, “Well I had to take a mulligan.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • A Quick 9 Holes

    A guy and his wife had their 27th wedding anniversary last Sunday.

    He said, “Honey, I made a reservation at your favorite restaurant, and have an awesome evening planned for the two of us. But would it be alright if I got in a quick 9 holes first?”

    She replies, “Of course. Go have some fun!”

    He goes to the golf course and decides to have a beer before teeing it up. A very attractive blonde comes up to him at the bar and says, “I’ve had my eye on you for years. Forget golf for today, chug your beer, and we’re going back to my place!”

    She’s not going to take no for an answer, drags him back to her house, and screws his brains out!

    The man, feeling extremely remorseful, decides that he has to tell his wife about his infidelity, and he returns home.

    The GPS shows that his house is right around the corner from where he cheated on his wife, and he realizes that he just slept with his neighbor!

    He walks through the door and tells his wife, “Honey, I have to tell you something. I didn’t end up playing golf today. I haven’t been faithful to you, and actually ended up sleeping with Jennifer from two streets away.”

    His wife replied, “Bullshit! You rat bastard, you played 18 holes, didn’t you!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Wipe Between Your Breasts

    A woman goes to see the doctor, because she’s embarrassed by her flat chest.

    “Is there anything I can do about it?” she asks. “I don’t want to have surgery or anything like that.”

    “Let me see,” says the doctor, and has her stand up for an examination.

    “Well,” he says, “there is one thing you could try. It’s non-invasive and doesn’t involve medication.”

    Now the woman is really pleased. “What is it?”

    “Take a tissue and wipe between your breasts twice a day.”

    “Is that it?! Will it work?”

    “Well, it worked on your ass…”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Gorilla and the Pith Helmet

    A lion was drinking at the water hole, when a big horny gorilla saw the lion’s rusty bullet hole.

    Quick as a flash the gorilla was humping the lion.

    After struggling to get free, the furious lion chased the gorilla through the jungle.

    The gorilla was miles ahead when he found a clearing. There was a tourist sitting on a deck chair wearing a pith helmet and reading the paper.

    The tourist crapped himself and scarpered, the hat and paper were tossed into the air.

    The gorilla quickly put on the pith helmet, sat on the deck chair, and was pretending to read the paper.

    The lion entered the clearing and said, “Did you just see a gorilla run through here?”

    The gorilla said, “What, the one that shagged the lion down by the watering hole?”

    The lion said, “Aww, it’s not in the fuckin’ papers already is it?”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail