Format: short

Short comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Dick’s Burnout: Thirty Times Left

    A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times… He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, “Sorry, but you’ve overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won’t be able to make love more than 30 times!”

    The man walks home (deeply depressed, of course); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him.

    She says: “Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!”

    He replies, “Yes, I already made a list on the way home; sorry your name is not on it!”

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  • Widow Maker: The Ultimate Catch

    Two guys, Frank and Bob, were out fishing on a quiet lake.

    A funeral procession passed over a nearby bridge, and Bob took off his hat.

    He stood in silence with his hat over his heart until the cars passed.

    “That was a very moving gesture, Bob,” Frank said.

    Bob replied, “It’s the least I could do; I was married to her for 30 years.”

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  • John’s Terrible Choice at the Farmer’s Market

    A truck driver named John was in court after a horrific accident where he drove his truck through a crowded farmer’s market, claiming fifty lives.

    The courtroom was silent as the prosecutor approached the stand, looking John dead in the eye.

    The prosecutor said, “John, we have the tire tracks. We have the witness testimony. You were driving down a straight road. To your left, there was a lone man fixing a flat tire. To your right, there was a crowded market with fifty people. You steered directly into the crowd. How do you explain yourself?”

    Wiping his brow and looking distressed, John replied, “It was a nightmare, sir. I was coming down the hill when my brakes completely gave out. I was flying! I had a split second to make a choice.”

    The prosecutor asked, “And you chose to hit fifty people instead of one man?”

    John exclaimed, “No! Of course not! I’m not a monster. I aimed for that one guy!”

    The prosecutor, now even more confused, shouted, “Then how did you end up plowing through the entire market and killing fifty people?”

    John sighed heavily and answered, “Well, just as I was about to hit him… the jerk started running toward the crowd!”

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  • CEO’s Impossible Interview Question Stumps Everyone

    A high end and very well known business wants to hire a new accountant.

    But everybody who went in for an interview got rejected. People with 30+ years in the industry were turned away like they were morons. The reputation of this job started to spread, and caught the attention of a kid who recently graduated college and was looking for a job in the field.

    He figured he had nothing to lose, so he applied and was called into an interview with the CEO.

    The CEO said “I only ask one question when looking for accountants.” The kid gulped, but nodded. After a pause, the CEO asked:

    “What’s 1+1?”

    Confused, the kid thought about the question for a bit, then smiled and answered “it’s whatever you want it to be.”

    “You got the job,” the CEO replied.

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  • Quiet Night Interrupted by Unexpected Audience

    This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is about 9 years old. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk.

    As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper, “lettuce” if she wants it harder and “tomato” if she wants a new position. “Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, pull it out,”

    She screams out…”I can’t get pregnant…aaahhhhhhhh”!

    Then the little brother chimes in, “Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there, you’re getting mayonnaise all over my face.”

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  • Dead Chicken, Nearly Lost Mommy

    Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven. They buried the chicken and that was that.

    Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, “Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today.”

    “What?” his father replied.

    “When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, ‘Jesus, I’m coming, Jesus I’m coming.’ If it wasn’t for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!”

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  • Three Daughters, Three Cryptic Ads, One Happy Mother

    A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding day, she told each one of them to write back about their married life.

    The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply:
    “MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE”
    Mother was very confused and finally noticed a Maxwell Advert, and it said:
    “Satisfaction to the last drop…” So, Mother was happy.

    Then the second daughter got married. After a week, there was a message that read:
    “ROTHMANS”
    So, the Mother looked at a Rothmans ad, and it said:
    “LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE” And Mother was happy.

    Then it the third one got married. Mother was anxious. After four weeks came the message:
    “BRITISH AIRWAYS”
    So mother looked at the BA ad, but this time she fainted. The ad read:
    “TWO TIMES A DAY, FOUR TIMES A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.”

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  • Bubba’s Unexpected Advantage

    A middle aged guy, tired of mowing the lawn, finally breaks down and hires a neighbourhood kid to do the job for him.

    One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighbourhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet.

    Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!

    The man asked Bubba, “I don’t mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn’t help but notice…”

    Bubba laughed and said, “It’s simple, every night before I go to bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times.”

    The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times.

    He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when his wife sat up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and said, “Is that you, Bubba?”

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  • First Time Jitters at the Pharmacy Counter

    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her and her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms.

    The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy – a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”

    The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

    Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

    The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!”

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  • Marine’s Unexpected Request Leaves Sex Workers Surprised

    The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

    She said “well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine”

    “Well, what did he want to do?” they all asked. She said “I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn’t have that much”

    “So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he didn’t have that much either”

    “Finally I said, well, how much do you have”? The marine said that he only had $25. The new hooker said “well, for $25 all I can give you is a hand job”

    He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said “he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand…..”

    “Oh my god” they all exclaimed, “it must have been huge…. then what did you do?”

    “I loaned him $75!” she said.

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