Short comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
Little Jenny came home from school one day and she ran straight to the bathroom and started to cry. Her mother, concerned about her went in and asked what was wrong.
“Well,” replied Jenny, “we just learned in health class that the baby comes out where the boy’s penis goes in. Is that true?”
“Sure honey, but that’s nothing to cry about,” said her mother.
Then Jenny replied, “But when I have Johnny’s baby, I’m afraid it’ll knock out a few of my teeth!”
The newlyweds were suffering from exhaustion and after an examination, their doctor advised, “It’s not unusual for young people to overdo things during the first weeks of marriage. What you both need is rest. For the next month I want you to limit your sex life to those days of the week with an “R” in them. That is, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.”
Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty following the medico’s orders. But on the first night of scheduled rest the young bride found herself eager as a beaver.
Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally nudged her spouse into partial wakefulness.
Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he asked, “What day is it honey?”
She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says, “Mondray.”
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her pet cat lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could. “I’m afraid Tiddles is dead Lucy”.
“So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that Daddy?” asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, “Tiddles’ legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven”.
Little Lucy seemed to take her cats death quite well. However two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: “Mummy almost died this morning”.
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, “How do you mean Lucy?”
“Well”, mumbled Lucy, “soon after you left for work this morning I saw mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting “Oh Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!!” and if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy”.
Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said: ‘You’d better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf’s out and you know what he’ll do; He’ll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off.’
But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said: ‘Don’t worry Mum, I’ve got it covered.’
So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said, ‘You shouldn’t be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf’s out and you know what he’ll do if he catches you. He’ll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off.’
So she pulled out the shotgun and said: ‘Don’t worry boys. Got it covered!’
As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said: ‘You shouldn’t have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I’m going to do. I’m going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off.’
So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said, ‘No. You’re going to eat me like the book says.’
A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times… He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, “Sorry, but you’ve overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won’t be able to make love more than 30 times!”
The man walks home (deeply depressed, of course); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him.
She says: “Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!”
He replies, “Yes, I already made a list on the way home; sorry your name is not on it!”
Two guys, Frank and Bob, were out fishing on a quiet lake.
A funeral procession passed over a nearby bridge, and Bob took off his hat.
He stood in silence with his hat over his heart until the cars passed.
“That was a very moving gesture, Bob,” Frank said.
Bob replied, “It’s the least I could do; I was married to her for 30 years.”
A truck driver named John was in court after a horrific accident where he drove his truck through a crowded farmer’s market, claiming fifty lives.
The courtroom was silent as the prosecutor approached the stand, looking John dead in the eye.
The prosecutor said, “John, we have the tire tracks. We have the witness testimony. You were driving down a straight road. To your left, there was a lone man fixing a flat tire. To your right, there was a crowded market with fifty people. You steered directly into the crowd. How do you explain yourself?”
Wiping his brow and looking distressed, John replied, “It was a nightmare, sir. I was coming down the hill when my brakes completely gave out. I was flying! I had a split second to make a choice.”
The prosecutor asked, “And you chose to hit fifty people instead of one man?”
John exclaimed, “No! Of course not! I’m not a monster. I aimed for that one guy!”
The prosecutor, now even more confused, shouted, “Then how did you end up plowing through the entire market and killing fifty people?”
John sighed heavily and answered, “Well, just as I was about to hit him… the jerk started running toward the crowd!”
A high end and very well known business wants to hire a new accountant.
But everybody who went in for an interview got rejected. People with 30+ years in the industry were turned away like they were morons. The reputation of this job started to spread, and caught the attention of a kid who recently graduated college and was looking for a job in the field.
He figured he had nothing to lose, so he applied and was called into an interview with the CEO.
The CEO said “I only ask one question when looking for accountants.” The kid gulped, but nodded. After a pause, the CEO asked:
“What’s 1+1?”
Confused, the kid thought about the question for a bit, then smiled and answered “it’s whatever you want it to be.”
“You got the job,” the CEO replied.
This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is about 9 years old. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper, “lettuce” if she wants it harder and “tomato” if she wants a new position. “Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, pull it out,”
She screams out…”I can’t get pregnant…aaahhhhhhhh”!
Then the little brother chimes in, “Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there, you’re getting mayonnaise all over my face.”
Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven. They buried the chicken and that was that.
Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, “Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today.”
“What?” his father replied.
“When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, ‘Jesus, I’m coming, Jesus I’m coming.’ If it wasn’t for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!”
