Format: short

Short comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Microsoft Building

    A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.

    The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign read “WHERE AM I?” in large letters.

    People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

    The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

    After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position.

    The pilot responded, “I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”

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  • The Cup Holder on My PC Is Broken

    Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”

    Tech Rep: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”

    Tech Rep: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”

    Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”

    Tech Rep: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”

    Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it.”

    At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off in the drive. Oops!

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  • You’d Be Smiling

    A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I can pee farther than anyone else.”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “Yeah,” the bartender says.

    “Sure, and I can pee right on the spot from seventy-five feet away,” the guy says.

    “Yeah right,” the bartender says.

    “It’s true. In fact, I’ll bet you a hundred dollars that I can pee right into a beer bottle seventy-five feet away and not spill a drop,” the guy says.

    “Go ahead,” the bartender says, smiling at the chance to make some easy money.

    So a beer bottle is placed on the floor seventy-five feet away. Then the guy whips out his dick and starts peeing. He pees on the wall, he pees on the floor, he pees on the ceiling and bar, he even pees on the bartender. He pees everywhere EXCEPT in the bottle.

    The bartender starts smiling and tells the guy to pay up. The guy goes into another room, comes out a few minutes later with a big grin on his face and pays the bartender. The bartender then says to the guy, “Why are you so happy, you just lost a hundred bucks?”

    Then the guy says, “Well, I just bet the guys in the other room a thousand bucks that I could pee all over your bar and not only would you not mind, but you’d be smiling.”

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  • That ID Is a Few Years Old

    A long, long time ago, when I was nineteen or twenty, I went to a bar with an older friend. The guy at the door asked for my ID. I gave him my driver’s license, which of course had my date of birth printed on it.

    He looked at it and said, “You have to be twenty-one to get in here.”

    I replied, “That ID is a few years old.”

    He looked at it again for a moment, then said, “Oh, OK” and let me in.

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  • Now We’re Gonna Have to Piss in the Boat

    Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for six days, they ran out of food and water.

    On the tenth day, bleary-eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in).

    They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. “POOF!” out popped a tired old genie who said, “OK, so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I’ve been doing this three-wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I’m burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I’m outta here. Make it a good one.”

    The first guy, without hesitation or thought, blurted out, “Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!”

    “Fine,” said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.

    “Great move, Einstein!” said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. “Now we’re gonna have to piss in the boat!”

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  • Only Fifty Cents

    A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, “Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!”

    The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.

    The bartender says, “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.”

    The cowboy replies, “Well, you’d drink that fast too if you had what I have.”

    The bartender says, “Oh dear! What is it? What do you have?”

    “I have… only fifty cents!”

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  • You Got Any Toilet Paper on Your Side?

    A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

    A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.

    Finally he asked, “May I help you, my son?”

    “I dunno,” came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any toilet paper on your side?”

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  • Beat the Shit Out of a Ghost

    An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

    Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

    As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, “What the hell happened?”

    Still staring down, the drunk replied, “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!”

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  • Send ’Em Out One at a Time

    Rooney owned an Irish pub in the Bronx, and in the summertime a swarm of flies seemed to just hover over the buffet table. This had been going on for about a month when O’Malley, the neighborhood mooch, walked in one day. “I’m not giving you another free beer!” Rooney hollered as he noticed O’Malley.

    The drunk was not without a plan, however. He approached Rooney and offered him a deal. “I been noticing these flies for the last few weeks. If you’ll give me a shot, I’ll kill every one of them for you.”

    Rooney gave him the agreed-upon shot. Once he had downed it, O’Malley got up and headed for the door.

    “All right,” he shouted, “Send ’em out — one at a time!”

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  • Double-Billed the Insurance Company

    A seven-year-old girl tells her mom, “Little Johnny asked me to play doctor today.”

    “Oh, dear,” the mother says nervously. “What happened, honey?”

    And the little girl says, “Not much. He made me sit in a chair for forty-five minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

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