Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • She Wouldnt Be Able To Shes Left-Handed

    A young married couple are taking a nice stroll down a long and rather winding road. There was a long way till they got home and there was plenty of time to have a long drawn-out conversation, so the wife decided to ask her husband a question she had on her mind for a long time:

    Wife: “If I died, would you remarry?”

    Husband: “No, I love you too much to get married to a different woman.”

    Wife: “But you love being married, don’t you? So honestly. You’d get remarried wouldn’t you?”

    Husband: “Yeah, I guess I would get remarried eventually.”

    Wife: “Would you and your new wife live in our house?”

    Husband: “Yeah, where else would we live?”

    Wife: “Would you take down all the pictures of me and you together?”

    Husband: “Yeah, it would be very discourteous to her not to. I’d still keep the ones of me and you in my private drawer.”

    Wife: “Would you two sleep in our bedroom?”

    Husband: “Yeah, where else would we sleep?”

    Wife: “Would she use my golf clubs?”

    Husband: “No, she wouldn’t be able to, she’s left-handed!”

  • For the Third Time I Want Chicken

    An elderly lady was concerned about her husband’s hearing.

    It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn’t respond.

    So, the lady went to the doctor to ask his advice.

    The doctor said to her, “When you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move him closer towards you until he responds to your question so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he finally hears you.”

    She thought this was a great idea.

    When she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”

    There was no response.

    She moved 10 feet closer.

    Again she yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”

    No response.

    She moved another 15 feet closer to where she was now practically face to face with her husband.

    She yelled even louder this time, “HERBERT, what do you want for dinner?”

    Herbert yelled back at her, “For the THIRD time, I want chicken!”

  • Does It Hurt as Much as Tennis Elbow

    A man got on the train with both front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

    The puzzled blonde kept staring at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after several curious glances, he said, “It’s golf balls.”

    She kept looking, thinking hard, then finally asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

  • I Remembered Where I Left My Bike

    A young assistant pastor went to the head preacher and said, “Pastor, I’ve got a bit of a situation. My bike’s been stolen.”

    “I just moved to this small town and don’t want to start off by calling the police. If I knew who took it, I’d quietly ask for it back, but half the folks in church love a good prank and I don’t want to accuse the wrong one.”

    The preacher smiled and said, “This Sunday, preach on the Ten Commandments.”

    “When you get to ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ scan the pews and watch for a guilty face. After the service, have a friendly chat with whoever looks nervous.”

    That afternoon, the preacher saw the young pastor riding his bike down Main Street. He waved him over and said, “Well, I see you got it back!”

    “Did my advice do the trick? Was it hard convincing the guilty party?”

    The young pastor shook his head and laughed. “No sir, didn’t need to.”

    “I was halfway through the Ten Commandments, but when I got to ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ I suddenly remembered where I left my bike!”

  • To Get More Chalk

    Mike told Sarah he had the strangest dream last night.

    She asked what happened.

    He said he died and was walking up this huge staircase to heaven.

    She replied, “Okay… that’s already intense.”

    He continued that at the bottom they handed him a piece of chalk.

    Sarah asked, “Chalk? For what?”

    Mike explained they said, “Mark a step for every sin you’ve committed.”

    She said, “Wow… that’s terrifying.”

    He replied, “Yeah… I only got a few steps up…”

    She asked, “And then?”

    Mike said, “Then I saw you… running down the stairs.”

    Sarah exclaimed, “WHAT?! Why was I going down?!”

    Mike answered, “…to get more chalk.”

  • The Pastor Under the Bed

    A young doctor moves to a small community to replace an older doctor who is retiring.

    The older doctor suggests that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds so the community can get used to the new doctor.

    At the first house, a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”

    The older doctor says, “You’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on how much you’re eating and see if that helps.”

    As they leave, the younger doctor says, “You didn’t even examine her! How did you come to that diagnosis so quickly?”

    “Ah,” the older doctor replies. “You noticed I dropped my stethoscope? When I bent down to pick it up, I saw a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That’s probably what’s been making her sick.”

    “Pretty clever,” the younger doctor says. “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

    At the next stop, they visit a younger woman who says she’s been feeling terribly run-down and just doesn’t have the energy she used to.

    The young doctor nods and says, “You’ve probably been doing too much for the church. You should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

    As they leave, the older doctor says, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is probably right, she’s very active in the church. But how did you arrive at it?”

    “I did what you did,” the young doctor says. “I dropped my stethoscope, and when I bent down to pick it up, I noticed the pastor under the bed.”

  • Blows It Back Up Again

    One night, a little boy walked into his parents room after he’d woken from a nightmare.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
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    When he opened the door, he saw his mother bouncing up and down on his father’s lap.

    Confused, he quickly closed the door and went back to bed.

    The next morning at breakfast after his father had left for work, the little boy asked his mother why she was bouncing on his dad last night.

    A bit embarrassed and taken off guard, mum thought for a moment before answering, “Well, you know how daddy has a big belly? Sometimes I have to bounce on it to make it flatter.”

    The little boy nodded, taking a mouthful of cereal before replying, “Well, I wouldn’t bother if I were you.”

    “Why?” asked his mum, confused.

    The boy finished his mouthful and told her, “Because every weekend when you go to visit grandma, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up again…”

  • A Royal Flush Beats a Pair

    Dolly Parton and King Charles happened to arrive at the Pearly Gates on the very same day.

    They were greeted by an angel who explained that, due to a paperwork mix-up, there was only one opening available in Heaven that afternoon.

    “I’m afraid I’ll have to decide which one of you gets in,” the angel said.

    The angel turned to Dolly and asked if there was any special reason she should be admitted.

    Dolly smiled, took off her top and said, “Look at these, they’re two of God’s most perfect creations and I’m sure it will please Him to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

    The angel thanked her politely and then asked King Charles the same question.

    Without saying a word, the King walked over to a nearby restroom, pressed the handle, and flushed the toilet.

    The angel immediately turned and said, “Your Majesty, welcome to Heaven.”

    Dolly stared in disbelief and said, “Hold on just a minute. I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down, and he just flushed a toilet. How does that make sense?”

    The angel shrugged and replied, “Sorry, Dolly, but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair every time.”