Topic: animals

A gorilla at the zoo dies of old age just before opening time. He was the star attraction — the one animal everybody came to see.

The zoo can’t afford a new gorilla right away, so the owner makes a quiet offer to one of the workers: “We’ve got an old gorilla costume in storage. If you put it on and act like the gorilla for a while, I’ll pay you an extra $100 a day.”

The worker agrees, puts on the suit, and goes into the enclosure. To his surprise, the visitors love him. He pounds his chest, swings around, and soon crowds are showing up just to see this “amazingly life-like” gorilla.

After a month, though, the excitement starts to die down. So he decides to put on a little stunt. He climbs to the top of the enclosure, swings over into the neighboring lion habitat… and hangs from the safety net above it!

A huge crowd gathers — gasping and pointing.

Then — his hands slip. He falls right into the lions’ den.

Panicking, he starts yelling, “HELP! Somebody help me! I’m not really a gorilla!”

Suddenly, a massive lion leaps onto him, pinning him to the ground.

The lion leans in close and whispers, “Pipe down, buddy… or you’ll get us both fired.”

The kids filed back into class Monday morning, all excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something and then give a short talk about their sales strategy.

Little Sally went first. “I sold Girl Scout cookies,” she said proudly. “I made $30. My approach was to appeal to people’s kindness!”

“Excellent,” said the teacher.

Little Mary went next. “I sold magazines. I made $45. I told people that magazines help them keep up with the news.”

“Very good, Mary,” said the teacher.

Finally, it was Little Johnny’s turn. He walked to the front, dumped a shoebox full of cash on the teacher’s desk, and said, “$2,467.”

The teacher nearly fainted. “$2,467?! Johnny, what on earth were you selling?”

“Toothbrushes,” Johnny replied.

“Toothbrushes?! How could you sell that many?”

Johnny grinned. “Well, I went to the busiest corner in town and set up a table with a sign that said ‘Free Sample.’ I handed everyone a chip dipped in a little brown mixture. Every single person said the same thing: ‘Eww! That tastes like dog food!’”

“Then I said, ‘It sure does!… Would you like to buy a toothbrush?’”

O’Brien lived alone in the Irish countryside for many years, with just his dog for company.

One day, the dog died, and O’Brien went to see Father Mullaney, the parish priest.

“Father, me darlin’ pup has passed on. I was wonderin’, could ya be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?”

“Ah, I’m afraid not, we can’t be havin’ services for an animal in the church. But there’s a few Baptists down the road and there’s no tellin’ what they’re believin’ in. Maybe they’ll do somethin’ for the poor creature.”

“I’ll be headin’ off straight away, Father. Do ye think five grand would be enough to donate for the service?”

“Sweet Mary, mother o’ Jesus! Why didn’t ye tell me the dog was a bleedin’ Catholic?”

A mangy-lookin’ guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”

The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”

The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.”

“Deal!” says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.”

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

“Money or another miracle, else no drink,” says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice and great pitch — a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.

The bartender says to the guy, “Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!”

“Not so,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist!”