My Chinese neighbours had waffles for breakfast.
Bastards I fucking loved that cat.
Topic: animals
Animal jokes, pet memes, wildlife weirdness, and creature-based chaos for anyone who suspects nature has been trolling us this whole time.
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Injured playing peekaboo
Last week, I was injured pretty badly playing a game of peekaboo. They had to put me in the ICU.
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A friend named his dog 5 miles
A friend of mine named his dog “5 miles” so he could tell people he walked 5 miles.
But today he ran over 5 miles.
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Sick Duck
What’s the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One’s a sick duck and I can’t remember how it ends, but your mother’s a whore.
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Your Mom and This Chicken
What’s the difference between your mom and this chicken? Your mom is a whore.
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Books on Turtles
[Walks into bookstore]
Me: Do you have any books on turtles?
Worker: Hard back?
Me: Yeah, with little heads.
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Good Buoy
I took my dog to the lake today and noticed he floats very well.
He’s a very good buoy.
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She Was a Mathmachicken
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathmachicken.
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Talking Dog For Sale
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. “You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, “OK… so, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running… But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.”
“I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a bullshitter. He’s never been out of the yard.”
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Where Is That Monkey
A lost dog wanders into a jungle. A lion spots him from a distance and thinks to himself, “That thing looks edible. I’ve never seen one of those before.”
The lion starts charging toward the dog. The dog notices and begins to panic, but just as he’s about to run, he spots a pile of bones nearby.
An idea hits him.
He looks at the bones and says loudly, “Mmm… that was some good lion meat.”
The lion abruptly stops. “Whoa,” he thinks. “This guy’s tougher than he looks. I’d better get out of here.”
Watching from a nearby tree, a monkey has seen the whole thing. He realizes he can profit from the situation by telling the lion what really happened.
The monkey catches up to the lion and tells him the truth.
Furious, the lion growls, “Get on my back. We’ll go get him together.”
The lion tears back through the jungle with the monkey riding on his back.
The dog sees them coming and panics even more. Then he gets another idea.
He looks around and yells, “Where the hell is that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!”
