Joke Type: comparative

Comparative jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Band or the Football Team

    The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn’t say who was responsible.

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    “All right!” bellowed her Mother, “you march yourself to your room, and don’t come out until you can give us a definite answer.”

    Later that night her voice rang down the stairs. “Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now.”

    “I should hope so!” the Mother responded. “The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father.”

    “Chill Mom.” the girl said. “I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team.”

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  • Woman BJ Etiquette Rules and Mens Response

    Woman B. J. Etiquette Rules (and Men’s Response)

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    Woman B. J. Etiquette Rules

    1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

    2. Extension to rule #1 – So if you get one, be grateful.

    3. I don’t care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone’s face.

    4. Extension to rule #3 – No, I DON’T have to swallow.

    5. My ears are NOT handles.

    6. Extension to rule #5 – do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on you?

    7. I don’t care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.

    8. Having my period does not mean that it’s “hummer week” – get it through your head – I’m bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can’t have sex right now.

    9. Extension to #8 – “Blue Balls” might have worked on high school girls! If you’re that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

    10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don’t tell me I’ve just “wrecked it” for you.

    11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

    12. If you like how we do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we’re good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

    13. No, it doesn’t particularly taste good. And I don’t care about the protein content.

    14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

    15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get B. J. often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

    16. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up does not mean I have to “kiss it good morning”.

    Man’s reply to Woman’s B. J. Etiquette

    1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don’t, we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.

    2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

    3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word “queef” mean anything to you?

    4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don’t worry about it & be thankful I’m not pulling your hair.

    5. If you ever tell me what to say & not to say to my friends again, you won’t have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your teeth…because you won’t have any.

    6. Maybe if you brushed your teeth & got the smell off your breath we would stick around afterward.

    7. When you’re on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching & moaning.

    8. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.

    9. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.

    10. At least there is no danger of bleeding in your mouth.

    11. Play with the balls.

    12. No matter how good you think you are at it, we’ve had better.

    13. B. Js are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless.

    14. Caress the ass, too, we like that.

    15. Make hay when the sun shines. It’s “wide awake” in the morning now, but when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for some action, gah-ron-tee it’ll be “sound asleep”.

    16. If you swallow, then you don’t have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? Leave the thinking to us, okay?

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  • You Know Youre a Whore When

    You Know You’re a Whore When……

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    1. You’ve slept with Geraldo Rivera.
    2. Arsenio touches your knee.
    3. Even Richard Dawson won’t kiss you.
    4. Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
    5. You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
    6. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn’t bother you.
    7. The EPA comes looking for you.
    8. You go through a Sealy ™ a week.
    9. Frederik actually comes to your door himself…just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
    10. When people say “Ho, Ho, Ho” and it’s July.
    11. When you don’t know “What’s his name?”
    12. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
    13. You are the headquarters for the CDC.
    14. Your baby looks familiar, but……like who?
    15. When they change your # to 976.
    16. Tetracycline is your best friend.
    17. McDonald’s calls you “The Happy Meal”.
    18. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
    19. Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
    20. When you’ve got a “Take a Number” machine at your door.
    21. When they call you “Shazam” and they don’t mean the money machine!
    22. When you get haemorrhoids on your shoulders.
    23. When getting dressed is not part of your day.
    24. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
    25. When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
    26. When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.
    27. When you’re wearing more latex than spandex.
    28. When your motto is “2 Days, 2 Pounds…$2.90.”
    29. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
    30. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
    31. On the golf course, you’re afraid to yell “Fore (four).”
    32. When the word Slalom gets you excited.
    33. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
    34. When you have a neon sign saying “open at night”.
    35. You want to have your name changed to Misty.
    36. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
    37. You start to think of yourself as Smurfette.
    38. You haven’t seen your floor in a week.
    39. When sunlight scares you.
    40. When your favourite quote is “next please”.
    41. You know all the people in “America’s Most Wanted”.
    42. When Susan Sarandon envies you.
    43. When Guinness Book starts calling.
    44. When every song reminds you of someone…but who?
    45. When everyone refers to you as “dear” and “honey”.
    46. When he doesn’t even have to buy you a drink.
    47. When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
    48. When Holiday Inn is coming after you for their linen.
    49. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
    50. The only place you haven’t had sex is on the moon.
    51. When a men’s prison becomes a vacation “hot spot”.
    52. The Big Dipper looks inviting.
    53. When soft foods have become distasteful.
    54. White sauce is a staple in your diet.
    55. When the Red Cross turns their head at you.
    56. When it only took 2 licks to get to the centre of a Blow Pop.
    57. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
    58. When other women begin to call you “Man’s Best Friend”.
    59. You and Prince have already made 3 records.
    60. When the neighbours want you to install a drive up window.

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  • I Think He Wants to Buy Mom

    Lil’ Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses’ legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Pop, why are you doing that?”

    “Because I’m thinking of buying these horses.”

    Johnny looked worried, “Then I think we’d better hurry home right away!”

    “Why?” his father asked.

    “Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!”

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  • Canadian Graffiti

    Canadian Graffiti

    CANADIAN GRAFFITI

    YOUR MOM IS A NICE LADY

    AT ITS FINEST

  • Stevie Wonder Child Support

    Stevie Wonder Child Support

    You think your life is bad, Stevie Wonder paying 25K a month in child support, for some kids he ain’t NEVER SEEN..

  • Top 15 Things Said by Celebrities During Sex

    The Top 15 Things Said by Celebrities During Sex

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    15. Madonna: “Dammit, you’re blocking the mirror!”

    14. Verizon Wireless guy: “Can you feel me now? Good. Can you feel me now? Good. Can you….”

    13. Charlie Sheen: “Do you take MasterCard?”

    12. Susan Sarandon: “Let’s just continue with the inspections for a little while longer.”

    11. Anna Nicole Smith: “Quick! Someone get a defibru… a defebrul… a diffruberal… a doctor!!”

    10. Jack Webb: “Just relax, Ma’am.”

    9. Andy Rooney: “Didja ever notice how sometimes your anus contracts during orgasm? Why is that?”

    8. Winona Ryder: “How the hell should *I* know where your wallet is?!?”

    7. Ben Affleck: “Thank you, Satan!”

    6. Steve Irwin: “Crikey! A whopper like that could swallow a guy whole!”

    5. Tony Blair: “Mind if I call you ‘Georgie’?”

    4. Pat Sajak: “Yes, I can give you an ‘O’ — in fact, I can give you several!”

    3. Wilt Chamberlain: “Next!”

    2. Michael Jackson: “Where’s your daddy? Where’s your daddy?!?”

    1. Simon Cowell: “That was horrible! Just dreadful. I believe you may be the worst sex partner in the world! I mean it, that was absolutely atrocious. I wouldn’t even call that sex.”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV

    The Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV

    15. Lovemaking lasts exactly 30 minutes and includes eight minutes of telling you what’s on her Christmas list.

    14. Every every time you remove your pants, you hear that damned laugh-track.

    13. He tries to kiss you on the mouth first thing in the morning.

    12. The promised “wacky hijinks” when you get back to her place are, in fact, just wacky hijinks.

    11. Tries to get you in the mood by whispering, “Tonight, on a very special ‘Pecker’….”

    10. Always gives a wide-eyed “Well, gollllyyy!” when you take off your bra and a “SHAZAM!” for the panties.

    9. Every time you take a break, he sleeps with the Dell intern.

    8. He won’t finish until you say “It’s a good thing” while arranging a doily on his chest.

    7. To liven things up a bit, he brings in his cousin Oliver for a threesome.

    6. Shouts “D’OH!!” every time he ejaculates prematurely.

    5. She always wants you to guess which room she’s naked in, but if you pick the wrong door, you’re stuck with a farm animal.

    4. The mirror on the ceiling has a network logo in the bottom right corner.

    3. He narrates his every move with a fake Australian accent: “Crikey! Now, this position is *really* dangerous….”

    2. “It’s not an affair, honey, it’s a spin-off.”

    1. Makes you wait until next week to see the exciting climax.

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 15 Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate

    The Top 15 Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate

    15. You get an angry phone call at 2 A.M. describing your barking dog as “a real turn-off.”

    14. Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears.

    13. Your wife forbids you to do yard work.

    12. Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.

    11. Your son: “C’mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!”
    You: “Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are.”

    10. The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.

    9. Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle.

    8. There’s always a traffic jam on your street when she’s mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.

    7. You’ve spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are — or if she even *has* any.

    6. Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she’ll “bring the buns.”

    5. After helping her trim her trees, your husband brings home more wood than you can handle.

    4. There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sound like the Indy 500.

    3. You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you’d like your walk shoveled. In August. In Los Angeles.

    2. Her occupation is listed clearly as “Playboy Playmate” on the restraining order she just took out against you.

    1. Your local Domino’s new guarantee: “Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 15 Wrigley Viagra Gum Slogans (regular version)

    The Top 15 Wrigley Viagra Gum Slogans (regular version)

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    15. Double your measure, double your gun

    14. Share a stick with the one you love

    13. Just like the Cubs at Wrigley Field, you, too, will be able to play at night!

    12. The flavor that never lets you down

    11. We put the “spear” in “spearmint”

    10. Double your pleasure, double your fun, halve your whining about how it’s never happened before

    9. Chew it all the way home

    8. New Wrigley’s Viagra gum: We bring your thing to life

    7. Time for the seven-inch stretch!

    6. Melts in your mouth, not in your pants

    5. Have *you* had a stick lately?

    4. Hey old man, wanna piece of candy?

    3. Recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists as an effective way to fill cavities

    2. Forget the flavor — *you’ll* be like a bedpost overnight

    1. It’s Wrigidly Delicious!

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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