In the elephant world, are dude elephants with longer trunks considered to be more manly? It probably doesn’t matter much, because I doubt a chick elephant can really tell the difference between a 9-foot-long trunk and an 8-foot-long one, unless it’s a G-spot-reaching difference.
Joke Type: comparative
Comparative jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Insurance Claims Gone Hilariously Wrong
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible:
Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I collided with a stationary car going the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. -
Corporate Incompetence: Millions for Failure
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting ”Please come out and give yourself up.”
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, ”Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, ”That’s not what I said!”
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, ”My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” ”Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. ”No!”, the man shouted, ”This is her husband!”.
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
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More Guys Named Moe
If Larry had been a wackier and more influential stooge, I suspect I’d know more guys named Moe.
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Demented Exhibitionist Guy
I bet one of the hardest parts of being a superhero is remembering which phone booth you left your clothes in. And by “superhero,” what I mean is “demented-exhibitionist-guy.”
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Top 10 Signs You Just Bought a Lemon of a Car
10. Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty garbage bags.
9. The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.
8. The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.
7. The rear-view mirror says, “Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk.”
6. The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.
5. Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you’re taking.
4. The sticker on the windshield says, “Batteries Not Included.”
3. You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coals.
2. You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.
1. When you approach hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.
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Smart Boss Hires Even Smarter People
John visits his friend David, a fellow businessman, and clearly impressed asks him, “David, how do you keep this place running so smooth?”
“Easy,” he said. “I surround myself with people who actually have a brain. Watch.” He calls his Chief Financial Officer and asks, “He’s your father’s son, but he’s not your brother. Who is he?”
The CFO responds almost immediately: “That’s me.”
John is floored. He flies home, calls his own CFO, and says, “Mike, I’ve got a test for you. He’s your father’s son, but he’s not your brother. Who is he?”
The CFO stammers for twenty minutes before asking for 24 hours to “research” it. He panics and calls Warren Buffet. “Sir, quick question: Your father’s son, but not your brother. Who is it?”
Buffet sighs. “It’s me, Mike.”
Mike runs to his boss, all proud. “Sir! I have the answer! It’s Warren Buffet!”
John slams his desk. “No, you idiot! It’s David’s finance guy!”
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NASCAR Thrills Without Leaving Home
How to Turn Your House into the NASCAR Experience
I’ve been to Nascar races at Charlotte, Rockingham, and the track at North Wilkesboro. This is what I learned.
If you’re like me, you’d like to attend more Nascar races, but you don’t have the time or money to go. So I put together a list of things you can do to your home so you and your friends can enjoy the race as if you were there.
1. Invite 15 to 20 of your closest friends to your house for the race. Make everyone dress in shirts and hats with their favorite driver on them. But don’t invite them to show up the day of the race, invite them to come over on Friday for qualifying and camp out for the weekend.
2. Some of your friends will show up in cars, and some will rent a U-haul truck. A few of them will pool their money together and get an RV. Stand outside with two flashlights and direct traffic to the grassy areas in your front yard. Charge everybody 8 bucks to park except the RV. Charge them 15 bucks for the weekend cause they’re twice as big.
3. Since they’re not allowed to use your kitchen, make your buddies do all their cooking on the beat-up barbeque grill they brought in the U-Haul. The friends that didn’t bring a grill can build a campfire. They’ll cut down several of the limbs on the Oak tree in your yard for firewood.
4. When the guys need more ice for their beer coolers, charge them 3 dollars for a one-dollar bag of ice.
5. Tell your friends they can’t use the bathroom in the house. They have to use the port-a-john you rented for the weekend and placed off the driveway.
6. If any females in the neighborhood drive or walk by your house and stare at the congregation of people in the yard, hold up a crudely made cardboard sign that says “SHOW ME YOUR TITS!”
7. On Saturday, have everyone climb on top of the RV to sunbathe and drink while listening to coverage of the Busch race.
8. When the booze runs out, send someone on a beer run with the four-wheeler one of your friends brought in his truck.
9. After the party winds down, let ’em crash in the back of the U-haul on some old mattresses and sleeping bags. Or they can sleep in their car.
10. On Sunday morning have the friend with the loudest car stereo system crank up some Lynyrd Skynyrd so loud that it wakes up all your friends. It will also annoy the neighbors down the street.
11. Nutrition is important, so start your race day with Pop-tarts and beer for breakfast.
12. Finally it’s time for the big race. Take all the comfortable furniture out of your living room. Then put in twenty metal folding chairs in rows of five with a narrow aisle down the middle.
13. Before letting them in, inspect all your friends’ coolers to make sure they don’t have more than a 12 pack. Make them store the coolers under their seats.
14. Space the chairs tightly together so no one has any leg room. That way when someone wants to go to the bathroom everyone has to get up to let ’em by.
15. When driver introductions are on television, stand up and give the finger to the driver you hate. If it’s Jeff Gordon, put down your beer and use both hands.
16. Run the television signal through your stereo system and turn the volume up so loud it sounds like the cars are in the room. Have everyone wear AM radio headphones tuned to the race. When you want to talk to the guy sitting next to you, scream at the top of your lungs so they can hear you.
17. To recreate the Men’s room at a typical Nascar track, let your friends pee in the bathtub to simulate the urine trough. Then throw an entire roll of toilet paper into the toilet so if anybody tries to flush it will overflow. To avoid the long line in the bathroom, some of your friends will pee in the sink.
18. Walk up and down the aisle in the living room with a food tray. When one of your friends wants something to eat, offer them a 32-ounce Pepsi for 4 dollars and a small serving of nacho chips with melted cheese for another 5 bucks.
19. When there’s a wreck, immediately stand up to see the tv better, forcing the people behind you to stand also. If it’s a driver you hate, cheer for the accident. If the driver’s in a close up, start chanting “YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!” as if he can actually hear you.
20. Turn up the thermostat in your house until it’s unbearably hot. Your friends will take off their shirts because they’re sweating profusely. Use this as an opportunity to sell them some more 4-dollar sodas and five-buck Miller Lite tallboys.
21. At the end of the race, have the Dale Jr. fan pick on the Jeff Gordon fan by accusing Gordon of intentionally knocking Junior into the wall to win the race. After the alcohol-fueled fistfight breaks out, call the cops and have the two drunks hauled away without their shirts.
22. Once the race coverage is over, leave all your trash on the floor next to your chair. Since the seats are so close together, your friends will ruin your carpet stepping on leftover nachos, peanut shells, half filled cups of Pepsi and empty beer cans.
23. Run out to the parking lot in your front yard. Then move your car to a spot that blocks all the other vehicles from exiting. Make your friends wait an hour or two before letting them leave. A number of them will relieve themselves in the yard during the wait due to all the beer they consumed during the race.
24. Before your friends go, they’ll throw the leftover trash in their cars on the ground where they parked.
25. The next day hire some Mexicans to clean up the yard and all the trash left in your living room. Then discover that someone puked on your azaleas.
If you follow the steps listed above, you’ll enjoy the race just as much as the people at the track. By the way, tickets are still available for the last fall race at Rockingham.
But don’t look for me there. I’ll be at home.
