If the top doctor and top lawyer are called the Surgeon General and the Attorney General, how come the person who heads up the military is called the Secretary of Defense? I suppose it’s because he can type really fast.
Joke Type: comparative
Comparative jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Elephant Trunk Size
In the elephant world, are dude elephants with longer trunks considered to be more manly? It probably doesn’t matter much, because I doubt a chick elephant can really tell the difference between a 9-foot-long trunk and an 8-foot-long one, unless it’s a G-spot-reaching difference.
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Insurance Claims Gone Hilariously Wrong
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible:
Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I collided with a stationary car going the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. -
Corporate Incompetence: Millions for Failure
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting ”Please come out and give yourself up.”
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, ”Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, ”That’s not what I said!”
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, ”My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” ”Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. ”No!”, the man shouted, ”This is her husband!”.
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
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More Guys Named Moe
If Larry had been a wackier and more influential stooge, I suspect I’d know more guys named Moe.
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Demented Exhibitionist Guy
I bet one of the hardest parts of being a superhero is remembering which phone booth you left your clothes in. And by “superhero,” what I mean is “demented-exhibitionist-guy.”
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Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women
Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
Motorcycles’ curves never sag.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles don’t get pregnant.
You can ride a motorcycle any time of the month.
Motorcycles don’t have parents.
Motorcycles don’t whine unless something is really wrong.
You can kick your motorcycle to wake it up.
You can share your motorcycle with your friends.
If your motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your motorcycle when the old one is really worn.
If your motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
Motorcycles don’t care about how many other motorcycles you have ridden.
When riding, you and your motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
Motorcycles don’t care about how many other motorcycles you have.
Motorcycles don’t mind if you look at other motorcycles, or if you buy motorcycle magazines.
New motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don’t want to pay for them, you don’t get them.
If your motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
If your motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
If your motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
If your motorcycle is misaligned, you don’t have to discuss politics to correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your motorcycle.
You can have a black motorcycle and show it to your parents.
You don’t have to be jealous of the guy who works on your motorcycle.
You don’t have to deal with priests or blood tests to register your motorcycle.
You don’t have to convince your motorcycle that you’re a motorcyclist and that you think motorcycles are equals.
If you say bad things to your motorcycle, you don’t have to apologize before you can ride it again.
You can ride a motorcycle as long as you want and it won’t get sore.
Your parents don’t remain in touch with your old motorcycle after you dump it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
Motorcycles don’t insult you if you’re a bad rider.
Your motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other motorcycles.
Motorcycles don’t care if you’re late.
You don’t have to take a shower before riding your motorcycle.
It’s always OK to use tie-downs on your motorcycle.
If your motorcycle doesn’t look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can’t get diseases from a motorcycle you don’t know very well.
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Top 10 Signs You Just Bought a Lemon of a Car
10. Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty garbage bags.
9. The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.
8. The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.
7. The rear-view mirror says, “Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk.”
6. The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.
5. Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you’re taking.
4. The sticker on the windshield says, “Batteries Not Included.”
3. You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coals.
2. You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.
1. When you approach hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.
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Smart Boss Hires Even Smarter People
John visits his friend David, a fellow businessman, and clearly impressed asks him, “David, how do you keep this place running so smooth?”
“Easy,” he said. “I surround myself with people who actually have a brain. Watch.” He calls his Chief Financial Officer and asks, “He’s your father’s son, but he’s not your brother. Who is he?”
The CFO responds almost immediately: “That’s me.”
John is floored. He flies home, calls his own CFO, and says, “Mike, I’ve got a test for you. He’s your father’s son, but he’s not your brother. Who is he?”
The CFO stammers for twenty minutes before asking for 24 hours to “research” it. He panics and calls Warren Buffet. “Sir, quick question: Your father’s son, but not your brother. Who is it?”
Buffet sighs. “It’s me, Mike.”
Mike runs to his boss, all proud. “Sir! I have the answer! It’s Warren Buffet!”
John slams his desk. “No, you idiot! It’s David’s finance guy!”
