Joke Type: story joke

Story joke jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • I Train SEALs Not Dolphins

    An older gentleman had his car stopped at a red light when a young rich asshole hit him with his Impala. Though the impact barely made a dent in either car, when both drivers went out to assess the damage, the asshole went ballistic.

    “Look what you did to my Impala! It’s ruined! I’m gonna sue you! You owe me a new car.”

    The older gentleman looked genuinely remorseful. “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t think I can afford to replace an Impala.”

    “Then I’m gonna beat your ass right here!” the asshole retorted.

    The older gentleman looked at the asshole. “I have a better idea. My son is visiting for the holidays, he’s in the passenger seat of my car. You two can fight it out, since I clearly would be no match for you in a physical fight. If you win, I’ll gladly pay for a new Impala, but if he wins, you knock off this nonsense.”

    “What does your son do for a living?” the asshole asked.

    “He trains dolphins.”

    The asshole laughed. “Trains dolphins? Easy fight. OK, call your son here.”

    The older gentleman called for his son. A minute later, a tall, extremely muscular young man in a Navy uniform steps out and proceeds to beat the asshole into pudding in ten seconds. The son then looks at his father and says:

    “Pop, I keep telling you, I train SEALs, not dolphins.”

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  • Im Just Chewing Some Gum

    Terribly overweight, Don LaJoie went to the doctor and begged him to be put on a diet. The doctor suggested several, but Lajoie rejected them all, insisting that he had no willpower.

    Considering the problem, the doctor said, “There is one thing we can try. It’s an experimental diet in which the jaw is wired shut and nourishment is provided through the rectum. Since the rectal walls can only absorb small amounts of food at a time, you will lose weight quickly.”

    LaJoie agreed to try the diet. Three weeks later, he returned for his checkup and, much to the doctor’s delight, the formerly obese man was now quite slender. He also had a remarkable bounce to his step.

    The physician removed the wire from LaJoie’s jaw and the man sat down. Much to the doctor’s surprise, his patient continued to bounce up and down on the seat.

    “So how do you feel?” the doctor asked.

    “Marvelous! Never better.”

    “Then tell me, why are you bouncing up and down like that?”

    “Oh,” says LaJoie, “I’m just chewing some gum.”

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  • Size 36 Underwear

    Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

    He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

    The Doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

    He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.

    When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

    As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

    He saw a Men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need… A new suit.”

    He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

    The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44 long.”

    Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

    “Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.

    Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

    Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”

    The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”

    Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

    “Been in the business 60 years.”

    Joe tried the shirt and it fit perfectly.

    Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

    Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”

    The salesman said, “Let’s see… size 36.”

    Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

    The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

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  • Show Him Your Badge and Warrant

    A DEA officer had a tip that a farmer was growing weed and showed up to inform the farmer that he would be searching the farm for illegal marijuana plants.

    The farmer said: “I do not consent to a search without a warrant.”

    At which point the DEA pulled out his badge and a signed warrant and said: “THIS gives me the authoritah to search wherever I want.”

    So the farmer said: “Okay, but stay out of that field,” pointing to a fenced-in field.

    The DEA says: “Then that is where I will start.”

    The farmer just shrugged and went back to work.

    A few minutes later the DEA agent was screaming and the farmer came to see the DEA agent running and diving, trying to avoid being gored by the farmer’s large bull. The DEA agent was yelling for help. The farmer shouted: “SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE AND WARRANT!!!”

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  • We Dont Even Have the Boat in the Water Yet

    There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They’d heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, “We’re going to need an ice pick.”

    So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We’re going to need another dozen ice picks.”

    Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn’t. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.

    In about an hour, he was back. Said, “We’re going to need all the ice picks you’ve got.”

    The bait man couldn’t stand it any longer. “By the way,” he asked, “how are you fellows doing?”

    “Not very well at all,” he said. “We don’t even have the boat in the water yet.”

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  • At Least He Let Go of Ol Zeek

    Here in Kentucky, you don’t see too many people hang-gliding. Ol’ Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge–into the wind he goes!

    Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Hicks were sittin’ on the porch swing talkin’ bout the good ol’ days when Maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!

    “Look at the size of that bird, Paw!” she exclaims.

    Paw raises up, “Git my gun, Maw.”

    She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun.

    He takes careful aim. BANG…BANG…..BANG…..BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

    “I think ya missed him, Paw,” she says.

    “Yeah,” he replies, “but at least he let go of ol’ Zeek!”

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  • A Good Sheepll Do That

    Well, a couple months back there was this trial in the West Virginia courts. A man was being tried for fornicating with a sheep, since that’s illegal an’ all. Anyway, the key witness was an old fella who was walking along the highway by the farm where the sheep was raised.

    The prosecutor asked the witness what he saw: “Well, I was walkin’ along, and saw this sheep just’a eatin’ grass. And then this fella walks up from behind the sheep, real quiet-like.”

    “And then what?” asked the prosecutor.

    “Then he unbuckled his belt, and pulled the sheep close.”

    “And what happened after that?”

    “Well,” said the witness, “they sorta shook for a couple of minutes. THEN, afterwards, the sheep turned around… an’ licked him!”

    Just then one of the members of the jury leaned over to the jury member next to him and said, “You know… a good sheep’ll do that.”

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  • Glad I Didnt Let That One Go in the Kitchen

    A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and he’s shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the strawberries to fertilize them.

    The kid says, “Hey, Pop, learned in college there’s an easy way to do everything.”

    They go downtown and get some dynamite, they’re gonna rig it up under the outhouse and blow the crap into the strawberry patch. They get it all rigged up, but they don’t see Grandma coming to use the outhouse. BaBooom! The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma.

    Ploop!…she lands in the strawberries. They go running up to her, “Grandma, Grandma! My God, are you all right? Are you all right?”

    She says, “Yeah, I’m fine. Whoo! I’m certainly glad I didn’t let that one go in the kitchen!”

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  • Whats That Noise

    A Mid-Westerner walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Mid-Westerner is suitably impressed, and buys it.

    The next day he brings it back and says, “This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!”

    The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the Mid-Westerner says, “What’s that noise?”

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  • Wouldnt I Wooden Eye

    There was a seaman who had a wooden eye because he was a tight mean bastard who refused to pay for a professionally made eyeball. However he was very sensitive about people making fun of his eyeball. One night after being at sea for several months and being tight with money, he thought he would try his luck at the local pubs for some pussy instead of going with the other guys to proposition some of the local prostitutes.

    He struck pay dirt by meeting a lady with the most marvelous figure. However, instead of her mouth going across her face, it went vertically straight up and down. On arriving back at the woman’s place and making small talk, the lady said she would like him to leave as she wanted her sleep.

    This got the seaman angry as he wanted some pussy and told her she wouldn’t have been any good in bed anyway. She yelled “WOULDN’T I” and the seaman thought she had said wooden eye, and being very sensitive about his eye he retorted “WHO ARE YOU CALLING WOODEN EYE CUNT FACE”.

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